Robbin' Clegg

Seems the boy wonder has come up with yet another hair brained idea to dig the country out of the sh1t...

Clegg wants to soak the rich for the good of the country. The Deputy Prime Minister said that “people of very considerable personal wealth have got to make a bit of an extra contribution” towards what he describes as the “national effort”.

I am reminded of the famous remarks of Dennis Healey who said that "we should squeeze the rich until the pips squeak!"

I am not a great believer in graduated rates of taxation because as far as I can see if there is only one rate of tax, then if I earn 10 times as much as the next guy then I already pay ten times as much tax - so why should I subjected to a higher rate of tax and pay twenty times as much instead?

Chancellor George Osbourne is - as one would expect - opposed to Clegg's suggestions. Well, as a wealthy Tory, I suppose you would expect him to be. But he has a point. The rich people of this country produce the businesses that employ the people who produce the wealth. That's fair and as it should be. Tax them disproportionately and unfairly and they will simply move abroad. That way nobody wins.

Where the politicians are getting it wrong is by ignoring the very rich who pay accountants to set them up schemes to avoid tax. Tax avoidance is legal and is a supposed pet hate of George Osbourne. He bangs on about it all the time - but it seems to me that he only gives it lip service and never actually gets round to doing anything about it!

It's time that politicians of all colours stopped trying to grab headlines and soundbites and started to get real about collecting the taxes that should be paid. And it's also about time that the super rich stopped playing silly buggers and paid their fair share. After all, if you were seen to be paying your dues, then you would cease to be an easy target.

Naturally, I exclude bankers and their bonuses from this analysis, because they really greedy bastards and deserve to be screwed...

Honesty doesn't pay

In a country which is regarded as the whiplash injury capital of Europe, this story caught my eye the other day. It seems to show our legal profession in it's true colours.

Andrew Hopper was involved in a minor shunt in July 2010 whilst he was waiting at a roundabout. The drivers exchanged details, Hopper had a stiff neck for a couple of days and then thought no more about it. It will come as no surprise to you to learn that a few days later he started receiving unsolicited calls from ambulance chasing lawyers.

Initially, he was polite, declined their services and if they persisted then he put the phone down. This didn't work and he kept getting several calls a days for months to follow. After SIXTEEN months he finally cracked in November 2011 when, in the midst of money troubles, they hit him with the killer line "There's a cheque here for £3,000 with your name on it!"

As a keen rugby player, Hopper was used to ignoring minor injuries, but the salesman even turned that round by telling him he was probably less aware of his problem because of this. It was an irresistible sales pitch, and he caved in.

In January 2012, he was asked to attend a GP for assessment but my this time any lingering pain was long gone. Being unprepared to lie to a doctor and pursue what was a bogus claim, he withdrew from the process.

The response from our esteemed legal eagles? They said that as he had backed out he was liable for their costs and sent him a bill for £1,140.

Mr Hopper says: ‘I was coerced by a skilled, very plausible individual to bring a whiplash claim. I succumbed to their promises in a weak moment. When I fully reflected that I probably didn’t have any effects of whiplash, I refused to go along with it and decided to tell the truth. I have fallen foul of a rotten claims culture which does nothing to rectify its wrongs. I have been stitched up and could be royally ripped off by a sordid, disreputable process.’

Since he signed a ‘no-win, no-fee’ document, he is bound by contract law to pay for the services provided by his solicitor. He is contesting the bill and has asked for a breakdown of the costs. He will also argue he was unfairly pressed into taking up his claim.

So 'no win, no fee' in this case seems to translate into 'no case, big fee'. Seems to me that it's well past time for the government to step in and sort out this inherited American litigation culture once and for all?..

Crippolympic ticket fiasco...

Just when you thought that the everything that could go wrong with the great 2012 London Olympic bunfest already had, there's news this weekend that Sebastian Coe-ca-cola's men are now screwing up the ticketing for the Paralympics.

Seems that it is beyond the geniuses as LOCO to allocate disabled tickets automatically on their website even when the event itself is for disabled athletes. The reason? Well, it seems that if you are a wheelchair user - something you thought might be sort of relevant in the context of the Paralympics - then you can't get your tickets over the internet and have to ring up.

This is because the software can't handle it and wheelchair users need specifically allocated spaces, hence the need to sort it out with a bloke on the end of a phone. You might have thought this was not unreasonable were it not for the fact that when the same games were held in China, it wasn't a problem.

The real problem here is that when you do ring up, you call an 0844 premium line number which can cost you up to 40p a minute. Add to this that you are put in a queuing system and you could easily be on the line for anything up to 15 minutes a go.

The cynical amongst us might think this is a nice little earner for the organisers.

So even if we accept the inadequacies of the on-line system, can someone please explain to me why exactly this is not a free-phone number? Or did I just answer my own question?..

Will no-one rid us of this turbulent priest?

Having displaced my regular Sunday religious comment due to the news of Neil Armstrong's death, I though I'd take the opportunity to catch up today - mainly because I simply cannot overlook the outrageously stupid comments made by Scotland's Cardinal Keith O'Brien...

The Cardinal opposes vehemently the decision by the government of Scotland to legalise same sex marriages. Fair enough. He's entitled to his views.

But let's remember that the Catholic church - or any other church for that matter - is not being forced to either perform ceremonies for same sex couples, nor is it being forced to recognise such marriages in the religious sense. So what's his beef?

Yesterday was apparently 'national marriage Sunday', an event which is supposed to draw attention to all the good things that come from the good old traditional nuclear family. So the good Cardinal took the opportunity to point out that gay marriage is an abomination and 'a grotesque perversion of a universally accepted human right'.

So according to him, the same God that created homosexuals and lesbians in the first place has no place for them within the sanctity of marriage. What a load of old codswallop!

Whilst we are banging on about human rights - a phrase which my regular reader will know gets my piss boiling! - what about the human rights of all the young children abused my Catholic priests?

And whilst we are busy queer bashing, what exactly is natural about a vow of celibacy in the priesthood - a vow incidentally which many a priest chooses to conveniently ignore?

I have no wish to marry another man, but if I was that way inclined I fail to see what is wrong with two people who care for each other entering into a legally binding, public acknowledgement of their relationship.

But the saddest thing as far as I can see is that the Catholics are yet again showing themselves up as homophobic, out of date, hypocritical political meddlers. The church - any church - has no place in politics.

So to sum up, Cardinal, why don't you just sod off and mind your own business?...

A piece of history passes on...

The man who epitomised what is arguably the greatest achievement in human history so far has died at the age of 82 after complications following heart surgery.

Neil Armstrong was the natural selection for commander of the Apollo 11 mission for many reasons. A consummate pilot, he saved the lives of himself and his co-pilot when Gemini 8 went spinning out of control. During a test flight of the 'flying bedstead' - a test rig designed to simulate the lunar lander - Armstrong ejected when a malfunction caused the rig to explode, amazing everyone with his reaction times. And, of course, he was a civilian.

There are a few memorable moments in the moon landing. One of my favourites is when flying over the Sea of Tranquillity with 20 seconds of fuel remaining, we hear the famous remark "Any time now would be real good for a landing!"

But my favourite story is one that the second man to set foot on the moon, Buzz Aldrin, used to tell on the dinner circuit :

"Neil was a young lad playing on the porch of his parents' home in Ohio when he heard his neighbours arguing.

"Mrs Gorsky screamed at her husband 'Oral sex! Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex from me the day that kid next door walks on the moon!

"Listen carefully to what Neil says as he steps onto the lunar surface. Never mind one small step, he mutters as he steps off the pad 'Good luck Mr Gorsky!' "

I've no idea if it's true, but it's just human enough to be...

Someone once asked Armstrong why? He replied “I think we’re going to the moon because it’s in the nature of the human being to face challenges. It’s by the nature of his deep inner soul – we’re required to do these things just as salmon swim upstream.”

Oh - and anyone who still thinks that it was all fake and never really happened must have moon rocks in his head!

The Tour de France

With all the excitement recently about Wiggo winning the Tour de France, I thought you might like to see this rare photograph of the 1940 event...

Of course, being in black and white, it's difficult to make out who is wearing the yellow jumper.

Selling off council houses

They say nothing is new in politics, and I definitely have the feeling that we have been down this road before. Didn't Margaret Thatcher flog off council houses to their tenants at a discount when she was PM?

Hold on tho' because there are no such things as council houses any more, are there? These days we have the much more cuddly terminology of 'social housing' although it amounts to the same thing - state owned housing for single mothers, doleys and what has so euphemistically been labelled 'the disaffected'; people with their hands out...

Apparently we don't have enough 'social housing' so the bright idea is that we sell off what we do have and then use the proceeds to build even more.

I live in what was, a few years back, a new development and thanks to Mr Prescott - who lives in a very nice house, thank you very much - developers are obliged to provide a percentage of 'affordable housing'. We have our share here in the form of a block of flats tucked away down the far corner of the estate which is completely out of character with the rest of the area.

To give you an idea of the quality and appearance of said affordable housing, our scruffy old git of a site foreman once described it to me as 'scum housing'. Rather uncharitable, I thought, especially has he clearly had ever looked at himself in a mirror nor listened to himself talking.

Anyhow, the scum housing here results in an abundance of rusting old cars parked outside the 'nice' houses, drunken youths rolling in down the streets in the early hours of weekend mornings, loud music blaring through open windows, drag racing in the streets, discarded drink cans and McDonalds cartons in our front gardens and general petty thieving and vandalism. Like Mr Prescott, I suspect that Clegg and Cameron don't have any near them.

Surprisingly, I'm not against providing economically viable housing to get people on the housing ladder. I am, however, against councils renting it out to socially undesirables who blight the lives of decent, honest, hard working people.

By all means give people shared ownership or reduced rate mortgages to get them on the ladder, but not a return to council rent properties. We have been there before and it doesn't work. People will only take a pride in their homes and surroundings if they have a share in the equity.

To do otherwise is just to treat housing like a disposable commodity - something to be wrecked and chucked out before moving on to the next...

Tony Nicklinson

Today is not a day for levity. Today is a day to reflect on the sorry state of a nation that insists that people must continue to live in intolerable circumstances just because they are physically incapable of ending their own lives.

I have written on the subject of assisted death many times. It is a subject on which I hold strong views. Recently I have been appalled that the courts in the UK rejected a plea from Tony Nicklinson to end his suffering.

I cannot imagine the living hell that must accompany locked in syndrome. Some people would obviously cope with it better than others, but I know I couldn't cope with it and would see no point whatever in carrying on with life. Nicklinson himself put it eloquently in an article for the BBC which he wrote prior to his recent court appeal :

"What I find impossible to live with is the knowledge that... I have no way out - suicide - when this life gets too much to bear. It cannot be acceptable in 21st Century Britain that I am denied the right to take my own life just because I am physically handicapped."

Well, it seems that there is a God after all, because now Tony has died. Having refused food since last week, he developed pneumonia over last weekend and went downhill rapidly.

My thoughts go out to his wife and children.

Meanwhile, the fight for a change in the law goes on. It must come one day and, perhaps, when it does, that change will be a fitting memorial to a courageous, determined and principled man... 

Chug, chug, chug...

As an officially recognised 'tight fisted old git' - as I was referred to on my doorstep after I refused to make a donation to some obscure charity or other - I am delighted to see that new rules have come into force this week to protect the public from chuggers...

I do however have reservations as to exactly how these rules will be enforced. In brief they are :

• chuggers must not stand within 3m of a shop doorway, cashpoint, pedestrian crossing or station entrance
• chuggers must not sign up anyone to a direct debit who, due to illness, disability, drugs or drink, is unable to give informed consent
• chuggers must not approach members of the public who are working, such as tour guides or newspaper vendors

Apparently, the new rules were thought up by a body called the Public Fundraising Regulatory Association - of whom, I suspect, it has frequently been said "Who?" - who will be employing 'secret shoppers' to make sure the rules are being enforced.

And points make prizes for chuggers found breaking these rules. Each offence will carry a 100 point penalty and when an organisation reaches 1,000 points it will be subjected to a fine of £1 for each point it scores above the threshold. So, basically, the first ten goes are free!

And, at the end of each year, the counter is reset and you get another ten free goes. Good job we don't apply these rules to speeding motorists...

All this conjures up images to me of little old ladies pounding the high street sneaking up on poor unsuspecting chuggers, then whipping out an inch tape and issuing fixed penalty notices for standing two close to a cash point, or - and this my real favourite - counting the number of steps they take to see if they exceed the maximum permitted threshold of three!

Maybe it's just me, but I find all this farcical and impractical - more at home in a Monty Python sketch than on the high street...

Pussy Riot

As my regular reader will know, I am quite partial to a bit of a protest song, so I have followed with great interest the events in Moscow...

Seems a bunch of girls formed a punk band called 'Pussy Riot' - love the name - and decided to publicise one of their musical offerings by an impromptu performance in Moscow's main cathedral. Apparently this didn't go down too well - probably because they made the mistake of not only insulting the church, but also of having a pop at Vladimir Putin who is a man little noted for his sense of humour.

Apparently, the girls knew exactly what they were doing and were trying to draw attention to the Russian church's support for Putin in his recent election campaign to become dictator of all the Russias for the third time. Well, they certainly succeeded. After being locked up for five months 'awaiting trial' which, as far as I can see, is another way of saying locked up for five months without trial, the girls have been sentenced to two years imprisonment in a pretty shitty Russian penal colony.

Well, I admire their spunk if not their common sense. After all, what did they expect for the heinous crime of 'hooliganism motivated by religious hatred'? Mind you, this is pretty rich coming from a country who, not that many years back, banned religion altogether and sent priests off to gulags.

The Fourth Reich, UK and USA have all condemned what they call 'disproportionate sentencing' and bunches of has-been celeb musicians have all been jumping up and down. So I thought I'd ask my own has-been non-celeb musician friend Chas C what he thought.

"Well," he told me, "I'm bloody glad I don't live in Russia or they'd lock me up and throw away the key for some of my stuff! I guess Putin's just not a punk fan..."

American puppet states...

I am appalled at the way our government is dealing with the situation confronting Julian Assange as he takes refuge in the Ecuadorian embassy in London.

It is obvious to me - and I suspect to the vast majority of people reading this article - that the whole object of the current exercise is to get him extradited to Sweden to face trumped up charges of sexual misbehaviour so that he can be shipped on to the USA to be hung out to try for the heinous crime of proving that the US government really are a bunch of lying dickheads.

Firstly, is Assange actually guilty of anything in Sweden? Well, we can't know for sure. But what we do know is that the next stage is for him to be interviewed by the Swedish authorities so they can decide if there is a case to answer. This is standard procedure - but what I find incredible is that they can send officials to Serbia to interview a suspected criminal but they don't seem to be able to make it as far as London to do the same thing.

Secondly, I find it interesting that the Swedish authorities refuse to give any guarantees to Assange that if he does travel to Sweden then they will not send him on to the USA. I think this speaks volumes as to who is pulling the strings.

The Americans want to put Assange on trial for espionage and if this happens he will no doubt be found guilty. He has absolutely no chance of a fair trial, but then if you look back to the Salem Witch Trials you will quickly realise that such proceedings have a long history in the land of the free.

And can someone explain to me exactly how Assange can be a spy for publishing papers on his WikiLeaks site sent to him by someone else? I can understand that that other person may be a spy, but not the person that the information was passed to. If this is the case, then who would want to be a newspaper editor? Although, second thoughts maybe that's a bad example given recent events?

So Assange effectively imprisons himself in the Ecuadorian embassy and what is the UK government's response? First they threaten to revoke the embassy's status and break in and arrest him - a move guaranteed to get up the nose of the government of Ecuador. However, unlike Sweden and the UK, the Americans seem to have forgotten that Ecuador is not a puppet state and they respond by granting Assange asylum. Good for them! I applaud the decision!

So having totally cocked up that particular strategy, the Foreign Office throws a hissy fit and decides that if he leaves the embassy, he will not be given safe passage out of the UK. Well, anyone who remembers that wonderful picture of William Hague in a baseball cap in an amusement park will most likely fail to be surprised that he is behaving like a petulant little schoolboy.

It's time the UK government grew some balls. We should allow Assange to leave the country and tell the Americans to take a running jump. My advise now would be for the Ecuadorian government to issue Mr Assange with a diplomatic passport, thereby granting him diplomatic immunity, and tell all concerned to get stuffed.

For a country which prides itself on fair play, free speech and democracy a small South American republic is showing that we are nothing of the sort. And that's frightening...

Cao Dia

Cao Đài is a syncretistic, monotheistic religion, officially established in the city of Tây Ninh, southern Vietnam in 1926.

Đạo Cao Đài is the religion's shortened name; its full name is Đại Đạo Tam Kỳ Phổ Độ (Great Religion of The Third Period of Revelation and Salvation). Cao means "high" and Đài means "dais" (as in a platform or altar raised above the surrounding level to give prominence to the person on it).

Figuratively, it means that highest spiritual place where God reigns. Caodaiists often use the term Đức Cao Đài (Venerable Cao Đài) as the abbreviated name for God, the creator of the universe, whose full title is Cao Đài Tiên Ông Đại Bồ Tát Ma-ha-tát (translation: Cao Đài the Ancient Sage and Great Bodhisattva Mahasattva).

According to Caodaiists, the full title was purposefully chosen by God because within it are representations of the Three Teachings: Snt, Sage and Buddha.

The Three Teachings represent hierarchical levels of spiritual attainment, with buddha as the highest. Caodaiism's various stages of spiritual development from human on up are: Thần (angel), Thánh (saint), Tiên (sage), and Phật (buddha). Angels, saints and sages may have, accordingly, extremely long lives in the realms of heaven, but only buddhas are free from the cycle of birth and death.

Adherents engage in ethical practices such as prayer, veneration of ancestors, nonviolence, and vegetarianism with the minimum goal of rejoining God the Father in Heaven and the ultimate goal of freedom from the cycle of birth and death.
Although various sects of Caodaiism claim to have received messages from numerous spiritual entities, the Tây Ninh Holy See acknowledges significantly fewer. Inside the Holy See is a painting depicting the Three Saints signing a covenant between God and humanity. From left to right, they are Sun Yat-sen, Victor Hugo and Nguyễn Bỉnh Khiêm.

Other saints are Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc and Napoleon Bonaparte.

Around 70 holy spirits also exist including Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, Lenin, Victor Hugo, Descartes, Louis Pasteur, Leon Tolstoy and Li Bo, among others

Having sex...

Oh fuck! It's football...

Just when you thought that it was safe to turn on the TV after surviving the onslaught of London 2012 and that you were at least going to get a bit of a break before they wheel out the wheelchair wonders of the paralympics, tomorrow sees the return of the fucking football season..

So, for those of you who despise these overpaid, pointless wankers as much as I do, here's a little light relief from Monty Python just to make it a little bit more bearable?




It's almost as stupid as paying twenty four million quid for some foreign bloke to kick a ball about in Manchester instead of London...

Rotten Boroughs - Cheshire West & Chester

Standards, dear boy. Standards...

Seems that the code of conduct doesn't get applied too rigidly at Cheshire West & Chester Council - especially when it is applied to the head of the council, one Mike Jones.

Attending a planning meeting to discuss the somewhat unpopular subject of builders Redrow banging up seventy new houses on a green field site in Tattershall, he was accompanied in the audience by Robin Blackman who had failed to get a more modest attempt to build 31 houses on a brown field site in the same town on no fewer than four separate occasions.

Not unreasonably, questioners were asking why it was that Jones had done everything in his power to block the brown field scheme whilst actively supporting the Redrow offering.

Somewhat rattled at this line of questioning, Jones stormed out of the meeting declaring that he wasn't going to answer questions from 'them dickheads!'

This unsurprisingly breaches the councils code of conduct which states that councillors must treat others 'with respect' and 'not conduct yourself in a manner which could reasonably be regarded as bringing your office or authority into disrepute'

Standards, dear boy. Standards...

Generosity unbounded...

There's some cheeky bastards about, but few more so than Nick Buckles of G4S.

Having failed abjectly to provide sufficient security staff for the Olympics and having gone before the Commons and declared that he saw no reason to pay back any money, you wouldn't have thought that G4S could top that for sheer barefaced unadulterated brass neck. But you'd be wrong.

On Monday, they announced that they would be making a donation to the armed forces  who had to do the job that G4S were supposed to do. Some 28,000 troops had to be drafted in - many of them having their leave cancelled in the process.

And the G4S contribution to this? Well, they are going to 'donate' £2.5 million to armed forces sports and welfare organisations.

Now, on the face of it you might think that this is quite a generous gesture - until, that is, you realise that G4S stand to pocket a £284 million for the contract that it failed to fulfil when you look at it that way, it's peanuts.

These buggers needed to be screwed into the dirt and have their arse sued off for the full cost plus damages.

Unfortunately, I sincerely doubt that there is any will in our pathetically weak government to do just that.

Lookalikes

Olympic Park legacy                                                  Bratislava

Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between the housing legacy at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park and the old communist era tower blocks in the Slovakian capital of Bratislava?

Perhaps they are designed by the same architect? I think we should be told...

The Olympic Turd Awards

Now that the Olympics are finally over - until they roll out the next lot in a few weeks time of course - I thought this would be a good time to award my own medals to the stars of the great bunfest, so here they are - the Turdies. Much more desirable that an Olympic medal in my view :

In third place the BRONZE turd goes to Andy Murray for his amazingly humble and modest comments after defeating Roger Federer in the Tennis. "I played really well... I was the best man on the court... I deserved it... I am the greatest... I am a fucking genius!" etc. etc.

In second place, the SILVER  turd goes to cyclist Mark Cavendish for milking the TV advertising for hair products, getting his team to pace him so he could get a medal, hyping himself up as the man to get Team GB their first gold medal - and finishing --- er, let me think --- oh yeah -- Nowhere! What a star!

But the outright winner and the athlete most deserving of the GOLD turd, is Paula Radcliffe. Our golden girl wins the award hands down for forcing her way into the team on personality and celeb status alone and then failing to compete. Boo, hoo!!

But mainly our Paula gets the gold for depriving some other poor much more deserving athlete of a place in the games. Let's hope we've finally see the last of her. What a loser!!!

Ashtacohenism

Ashtacohenism is a quasi religious order founded in 1919 by John Edward Cohen which aims to save humanity by promising the horn of plenty to the masses.

The order started in Hackney, London. Cohen was concerned that ordinary people could not afford basic foodstuffs and acquired tea which he offered them at an affordable price in return for following him and his principals.

From humble beginnings, the cult has expanded into 14 countries across Asia, Europe and North America. It has over 440,000 full and part time disciples across the world and many millions of faithful followers. In the United States, a rival order called 'Walmartia' claims to follow the same principles and to have more adherents and rivalry between the two churches is rife!

Cohenism is based upon the 'Gospel according to Re-tale' which states that 'Thou shalt supply everything to all peoples in all places' and urges YCDBSOYA which stands for 'you can't do business sitting on your arse'. The church is unashamedly profit making and controlling, leading some people to claim that it is a brainwashing cult.

The church has at least one temple in every major town in the UK and has also set up smaller mission type chapels on street corners where it aims to make access more convenient for all the masses.

Adherents carry the church's ID card - known as a club card - which entitles them to receive blessings from the church in return for their loyalty. The churches are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week except for Sundays when hours are restricted to allow time for reflection and worship.

The church continues to expand and is one of the fastest growing religions on the planet...

Land of my fathers...

Ever since I wrote this article, it has been apparent to me that the Welsh have absolutely no sense of humour, so I thought it was time I put this theory to the test to see if a could raise a laugh with a few Welsh jokes :

• What do you get if you cross the Welsh Rugby Football team with an Oxo cube? A laughing stock.
• Why is the Welsh football team like a three pin plug? They're both useless in Europe.
• What do you call three sheep tied to a lampost in Cardiff? A brothel.
• Dai : 'Doctor I can't stop singing Green Green Grass of Home' 'Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me. Dai' 'Is it rare, Doctor?' 'It's not unusual!'
• Did you hear about the boy from the valleys that wanted to get down and dirty with his girlfriend? He took her to a coal mine.
• What do you call a Welsh Spy? Jones the Bond.
• Have you seen the Welsh road sign that reads 'Yes, you can't'?
• Woman in the butchers : 'Is this lamb Welsh?' 'No it's from New Zealand, but it's parents were Welsh.'

And here's some Welsh films :

• The wizard of Oswestry
• Cool Hand Look-you
• Treforrest Gump
• Independence Dai
• Haverfordwest was won
• Dai M for Merthyr
• Bridge on the River Wye
• Look Back in Bangor
• A Fish Called Rhondda

And, finally, a few well chosen quotes :

• Each section of the British Isles has it's own way of laughing, except for Wales, which doesn't
  Stephen Leacock
• The ordinary women of Wales are generally short and squat, ill favoured and nasty
  David Mallet
• The Welsh are so damn Welsh that it looks like affectation
  Sir Alexander Raleigh
• The land of my fathers, and my fathers can have it
  Dylan Thomas
• There are still parts of Wales where the only concession to gaiety is a striped shroud
  Gwyn Thomas
• The earth contains no race of human beings so totally vile and worthless as the Welsh ... I have expended in labour, within three years, nearly eight thousand pounds amongst them, and yet they treat me as their greatest enemy. 
  Walter Savage Landor, British poet, letter to Robert Southey

And no matter what you say, Welsh is still a dead language...

A real stand-up guy!

Now this is what I call my sort of funeral!

Why? Because New Orleans bass drummer Lionel Baptiste attended his own wake propped up to survey the proceedings in his full dress suit complete with trademark whistle, cane and watch. Now that's what I call style...

Storyville Stompers tuba player Woody Penouilh said "He looks better today than when I saw him the Thursday before he died. Heaven is agreeing with him"

The unique wake stemmed from a promise made by the musician’s son, who said: 'I told him, "I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to send you off good." That's the kind of guy he was. He had to be an original.'

Louis Charbonnet, who has been in the funeral business for 50 years, said "You have to think outside the box. And so he’s outside the box. We didn’t want him to be confined to his casket."

When I go, I hope somebody can come up with something just as original for me...but I doubt it!

(You can read the full story in thre Daily Mail by clicking here)

Aggro-vation

Jeez, this guy does bang out the occasional good bit of music!



Ok I know I'm biased because I talked him into putting his stuff on the blogosphere - and admittedly I do the videos for him, but if you want to knock your socks off, then stick your headphones in and crank up the volume for 3 minutes of pure energy!

Nice guitar work too, Chas.

Paxo in row over tax avoidance

In the news rather than reporting it, Jeremy Paxman is said to have fallen out with his BBC masters in a row over tax avoidance.

And, apparently, he's not alone...

Some of the BBC's biggest stars are hacked off at the way the BBC is reportedly hanging them out to dry by portraying them as tax dodgers.

Paxo wrote a letter to the Times telling them that "the BBC required me to form a company and to be paid through it if I wanted to continue as presenter on Newsnight. They claimed they had been told to do so by HMRC."

HMRC strenuously deny any such direction. A spokesman said "HMRC does not advise employers on how they are to secure anyone's services and employers should not suggest to those providing their services that HMRC requires them to use a personal service company as we most definitely would not."

The BBC unsurprisingly refused to comment.

The last labour government put draconian efforts into penalising anyone who operated through a personal service company in order to minimise their taxes, so I have no doubt that there is no way that HMRC would have issued any such advise.

The use of these companies is advantageous to the employer as he avoids any obligations that he would have to an employee as the person concerned is not employed by them but by the company. This reduces their wages bill as they are not liable for employers NI payments.

Such companies have been the used for many years on the advise of accountants in order to minimise tax by spreading payments between husband and wife in order to avoid higher tax rates and by distributing the income as dividends which do not attract NI. These arrangements were a personal bug bear of Gordon Brown when he was Chancellor and he wasted millions trying to smash them into the dirt.

All he had to do was introduce legislation to make these arrangements unadvantageous, but then Gordon was never the most straightforward or brightest of individuals.

It is important to stress that these arrangements are perfectly legal and it is interesting to note that the Labour fervour for stamping them out does not seem to have been taken up by the current government.

I wonder why?...

Fame at last!

What can I say? For some time now I have been running a banner on this blog which reads 'As featured in Private Eye' because of the odd spot of plaguarism (allegedly, of course - Hislop's got lots of experience in the libel courts!)

But it now seems I might have to run another up that says 'As featured in Il Giornale'!

As you can see from the above, il Giornale has just run a front page article with the headline 'Quarto reich'  which seems to have caught the Fuhrer in an unfortunate pose. Oops! Looks a bit like the one I ran last week and has left Frau Merkel once again profoundly disturbed.

The article accuses the Germans of bringing the Euro to its knees and goes on to add 'Italy is no longer in Europe but in the Fourth Reich', continuing 'In the first Reich, Germany wanted the title Emperor of Rome and in the next two they used their own means against the states of Europe, two world wars and millions of dead, obviously this was not enough to quieten German egomania.

'Once again it has surfaced, but this time it is not with the use of the cannon. This time it's the Euro.

'The Germans believe it's theirs and we have to submit, surrender, hand ourselves over to the new Kaiser Angela Merkel who wants to rule in our own house.'

Well, it's good to know that at last somebody, somewhere, has woken up to the fact that the Germans are fighting the third world war with economic weapons rather than with tanks and bombs and that we are finally realising that the red house agreement is not just a work of fiction.

The only souring in this story is that il Giornale is owned by Silvio Berlesconi - whom you might feel has a personal act to grind in all this?

Of course, that doesn't automatically mean that he's wrong...

More wives = more benefits

Immigrants with more than one wife will qualify for extra benefits under reforms to Britain’s welfare system, after an attempt to crack down on the problem backfired.

Polygamous marriages, largely confined to Muslim families, are only recognised in Britain if they took place in countries where they are legal. Currently, any additional wives can receive reduced individual income support, meaning the husband and his first wife are paid up to £111.45.Subsequent spouses living under the same roof receive around £40.

Under the new system of Universal Credit, which comes in next year, polygamous marriages will not be recognised at all.

But a House of Commons Library paper has highlighted a loophole in the rules which will allow additional wives to claim a full single person’s allowance, currently worth up to £71, while the original married couple will still get a married couple’s allowance.

The paper said: ‘Treating second and subsequent partners in polygamous relationships as separate claimants could mean that polygamous households receive more under Universal Credit than under the current rules.’ Under Islamic Sharia law, polygamy is permissible. So a man can return to Pakistan, take another bride and then, in a repetition of the process, bring her to England where they also have children together — obtaining yet more money from the state.

Because such Islamic multiple-marriages are not recognised in Britain, the women are regarded by the welfare system as single mothers — and are therefore entitled to the full range of lone-parent payments

This strikes me as ludicrous. Bigamy is illegal in the UK, so why are these people allowed to have more and one wife - and more to the point, why should we fork out to support such an arrangement?

Of course, this problem would go away if we simply adopted the system used in many other countries where you are not allowed to settle unless you can demonstrate that you have adequate funds to support yourself and your family.

And before you jump up in arms and say "Where's that then?" can I point out that even though as members of the EU we have a right to settle in Spain, the Spanish are adopting just such a system.

Asatru

Asatru is a form of Nordic Neopaganism which is part of a contemporary revival of Germanic paganism contemporary polytheistic nativist and reconstructionistic religious groups of the Germanic and Nordic peoples.

Its adherents call themselves a variety of names, such as “Ásatrúar”, “Odinists” or “Wodenists”.

It is based upon polythesitc faith and mythic tales. According to the religion, there are four key deities and several minor gods. Adherents usually live in communities called Kindreds.

They ascribe to the “Nine Noble Virtues” as a model for their lives. While the original Norse would have participated in animal sacrifice, modern worshipers offer mead, a honey-wine, to the gods. Major holidays revolve around the changing seasons with Yule being the most important. It is celebrated in late December and continues for twelve days. A bit like Christmas, really...

Precursor movements began in the early 20th century in Germany and Austria, with a second wave of revivals in the 1960's. It is dedicated to the ancient gods and goddesses of the North.

Central to their beliefs os the concept of the Wyrd, which is the interconnectedness of all events and things, the wholeness of all nature. Sometimes described as the Fate, it is not fatalistic as it is beng constantly transformed by ongoing action even though the future is shaped by the wires to the past. The Wyrd os the connection of all things from the past, the present and the future mythologically represented by the Norns, Urd, Verdandi and Skuld.

It is believed that Elves or land-spirits can inhabit natural objects such as trees or stones. These spirits can, and do, take sides in the affairs of the inhabitants of their land.

In the simplest form of the adherent's personal practices, direct ancestors (sometimes referred to as Dis) are often praised and honoured during the rituals of sumble and blot. Land veneration is most evident in the rituals dedicated to the Elves and Wights (spirits similar to the Shinto lesser Kami)

The Klu Klux Klan

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan...

...I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Merkel is profoundly disturbed!

This statement does not surprise me. I have always thought that the Fuhrer was profoundly disturbed! So what's new?

It's seems that 51% of Germans in a recent newspaper poll think that Germany would be better off if they ditched the Euro and went back to the Deutschmark. Only 29% thought that Germany should stay in.

And it gets worse. 71% think that they should boot Greece out of the single currency unless it does what it is told over austerity measures - something which has no doubt gone down well in Athens.

So what can she do about this? Well, not a lot it seems because next year she has to face national elections and clearly does not want to upset the voters. This somewhat limits her room for manoeuvre.

On top of all this, Jean-Claude Juncker who is chairman of the Eurozone group (see past postings on this blog) is piling the pressure on Berlin to stop behaving as if the Eurozone is a German subsidiary and to get stuck in to sorting the mess out.

Even Tony Blair is sticking his nose in by suggesting that Germany should accept some form of debt pooling - a move that is being heavily resisted. Blair says it is not surprising that the Germans don't want to sink more money into the Euro, but adds that by delaying attacking the problem it will only become more expensive in the long term.

He also thinks that all the faffing around on the continent is not exactly helping the UK economy to recover. He has a point.

So - roll on 2013 and, in the meantime, the Fuhrer is retiring to the Berlin bunker once more...

Pupils behaving badly...

When I went to school, I remember that my Chemistry teacher was a dead shot with a piece of chalk, the French master could make you cringe in fear just by looking at you, and the headmaster was someone you ducked back around a corner to avoid bumping into.

OK, sure we used to get up to mischief. But it was harmless youthful fun and we knew where to draw the line. But not any more. That's all in the past...

Figures released last week reveal a rising tide of violence and indiscipline. As many as 90 children a day are being sent home every day for attacking classmates and - worse - their teachers.

And you know the most frightening thing about that statistic? That's just in PRIMARY schools!

And it's not in the run down areas of the country that this is confined to. Not to the deprived inner cities. No, this is worst in the affluent areas where, teachers claim, parents are failing to equip their children with the basic social skills they need to survive at school.

Last year, over 300 children under 11 were excluded from school with a further 17,000 suspensions due to violence. 10,000 kids were barred for persistent misbehaviour in the classroom and another 6,500 for verbal abuse.

NASUWT blamed the parents, adding 'they must realize that responsibility for their child's behaviour does not end at the school gate'. Well actually, that's a cop out because it does do exactly that and it is time that teachers took some of the blame. School discipline in the 21st century is shot to shit!

Now fair enough, if the grandparents let the parents run riot and do what they like showing no respect for anybody, then you have to expect the kids to behave like that as well - so there is a social problem out there that needs addressing.

But it's also time that teachers had their hands untied from behind their backs and that they were given the authority to discipline children as necessary and if that means a good old fashioned dose of corporal punishment, then so be it.

There's no point at all in giving kids a day off in return for misbehaviour because that's what they want and they'll keep doing it. It's time that penny dropped.

To hell with supernanny and the naughty step. Give 'em a bloody good hiding and let's see if they can take it as well as dish it out!

Take a good, hard look...

...because this is the result of the sort of security cock-up like the one that took place last week at Manchester.

In a move that would have been not out of place in a G4S training session, an 11 year old boy was allowed to board a plane and fly to Rome unaccompanied.

According to officials at Manchester Airport, the boy 'mingled with other passengers' and his documents were 'not checked correctly at security and the boarding gate'. Or presumably when he got on the plane and helped himself to a seat?

But anyway, all this is OK because 'the boy went through full security screening, so the safety of passengers and the aircraft were never compromised'. Bullshit. If the security screening was that full, it would surely have included a document check?

So here's a tip to Al Quaeda and any other of you budding terrorist organisations out there : If you want to blow up a plane, then you need to use suicide bombers who can pass as eleven year old children because the procedures apparently assume that only adults carry bombs onto aeroplanes.

Transport Secretary, Justine Greening, said that the incident was 'incredibly concerning' although frankly I would just have called it 'incredible'. I really do have to question why I have spent all those hours queueing at airports and faffing around with nail scissors and 100ml plastic bottles of shampoo if this is the standard of security that is being meted out.

They didn't even do a head count, FFS. What were they all thinking?...