When it's OK to use the 'F' word (2)

( Dioclese is currently swanning it up in Tenerife )

When it's OK to use the 'F' word

I'm off to Tenerife for a NewYear break (yes! another one!), so I thought I'd leave you with this litlle thought : When is it OK to use the 'F' word...

The story of Suzie

Remember - God loves you...

Tiger and Stevie go drinking...

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

Life's Too Short!

Here's a new song from my good friend Chas that he describes as 'sort of Beach Boys meets the Sex Pistols'

Anyway, I like it - so here's the video I put to it...



Wonder how long it will be before YouTube take this one down?..

(Apparently not long - so I uploaded it again!!!)

It's enough to give you a heart attack!

Mrs D. just had an angiogram to find out if she has coronary heart disease (thankfully she doesn't), but the experience is worth recounting...

We got the appointment well in advance, as it is these days with NHS lead times. That wasn't a problem. Just present yourself at 8am on Tuesday. Then on Sunday, we get a telephone call to say 'No, make that 10am. Oh, and could you go to the cardiology department at 9:45 and pick up a blood test form?' No problem.

Tuesday arrives and I take Mrs D. to the hospital. Problem 1 - you don't just need a form, you need to have blood taken. Problem 2, we don't do that here, you  need to go to another department.

Off she trots. Problem 3 - 'We're busy! Why weren't you here at 9 o'clock?' Er, because we did what we were told?

Eventually we arrive at the Day Surgery Unit. 'Where have you been? You're late!' Er, well you told us to go to cardiology for a form, which turned out to be a blood test, which is done somewhere else. 'I told you needed to do that and you should have gone there at 9am!' Er, no you didn't - but we're here now so let's get on...

Mrs D, is now led to the ward. It's 10:35 and nothing much happens until after 2pm when she is told they are ready for her. The angiography unit is in a trailer in the car park and it's the coldest day of 2012 so far. Do they wheel her out there on a bed? No, of course not. They give her a double layer of hospital gown to wear and she walks across the car park - followed by a bloke pushing her bed with a nice thick warm quilt on it!

Of course, once you have had one of these things done, there's a bloody - literally - great hole in your femeral artery so you can't walk for a while. But that's no problem because, if you remember, they've brought your bed and you're now allowed to get into it so they can wheel you back to the ward.

Eventually - about 4:30 - they ring me and tell me to collect her. She has an appointment the next day at the cardiology clinic, but this is of course much too close to the test so they ask us to ring up and cancel it.

When I ring the next morning, they tell me that the day unit staff have already cancelled it, so it's a bit of a mystery why they asked us to do it as well.

All in all then, just another typical day in the National Health Service...

Getting rid of the old folk...

Let's face it, folks. Old people are just a bloody nuisance...

They block up the housing ladder by having the audacity to occupy houses that are far too big for them just because they can afford them and because they want to spend their hard earned money in any way they want! This is outrageous and the government is taking action to make them downsize.

And they are stopping our young people from getting jobs by carrying on working just because they can and because they need the money. They should be more considerate towards the upcoming generation!

Oh! I nearly forgot the health budget which is being destroyed sick people needing care in their old age. I mean, who do these people think they are! Just because they've paid in to the system all their lives doesn't give them the right to expect the benefits system and the NHS to pander to their every need in their dotage. It's scandalous!

Same with the pensions system. It's wasn't designed to pay out to the sort of ages these people are living to! Why can't they have the good grace to peg out when required?

We're rapidly heading towards a population in the UK of 70 million. There just isn't enough space and if these old people insist on going on living, then there simply won't be enough food to go around - never mind what we need to send over to Africa for the starving people there.

Thankfully, there is an answer which has been staring us in the face since the 1970s...Soylent Green!

And it's a win-win situation! The government can create thousands of new jobs by building a network of Euthanasia Centres for our old people, and food processing plants. It's not that outrageous! After all, there are thousands of old people in the UK who find life in tolerable due to poverty, crime, social decay, inner city deterioration, rising  prices and loads of other factors.

Come on, you guys! You know life isn't worth living any more so get yourself down to the local Euthanasia Centre and end it all. We'll make good use of your body to feed the loved ones you leave behind.

You know it makes sense...

Screw the ECHR!

Just how much longer are we going to put up with Europe overuling Britains courts and laws?

The European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg has last week once more been sticking its nose into our business and making a mockery of the sovereignty of the United Kingdom. Once upon a time, we knew where we stood. The highest court in the land was the Law Lords in the upper house, now replaced by the formation of a Supreme Court.

One is entitled, in my opinion, to assume that these days if you take your case to this court, then that is your final legal recourse. But of course you would be wrong.

First there was the case of the extradition of Abu Qatada, once described as 'Osama bin Laden's right hand man in Europe'. Currently in detention, he is wanted by the Jordanians for trial on charges that he plotted bomb attacks on two hotels and providing finance and advice for another series of bomb attacks to coincide with the Millennium. This is a man whom the police describe as posing a real and credible threat to the security of this country. We want the Jordanians to have him.

But, no. the ECHR says that there would be a violation of his right to a fair trial under Article Six of the European Convention of Human Rights, “given the real risk of the admission of evidence obtained by torture at his retrial.” Never mind the right of the people he plotted to murder. Never mind the due process of the law. We're stuck with the bastard.

And then there is the case of Jeremy Bamber and other convicted murderers who says that imprisoning them for the rest of their natural lives is 'inhunane' and an infringement of their human rights. Never mind the human rights of their victims not to be assaulted and murdered. Let's stick up for the rights of the murderers.

At least on this case, the ECHR threw out the appeal so we are allowed to throw away the key...

My point is that whatever the ECHR thinks should really be irrelevant. If the highest court in the land says that Qatada should be deported, then off he should go. If they say that Bamber should spend the rest of his life in prison, then that's where he should stay.

British law and legal process should be in the power of the British people. There is no way that this should ever be subject to the approval of foreign courts.

Independence for England

There's been a lot of waffle lately about whether Scotland should break away from the United Kingdom and become an independent nation...

...but there's not been a lot of talk about England being the only country in the Union that doesn't have its own parliament / assembly, so I thought I would look into why this is. And believe it or not, it's all rather unsurprisingly down to the Fourth Reich!

Some years back, some penny-ante cock fiddling wanker of a bureaucrat with fuck all better to do decided that there was an optimum size for an administrative unit within the Reich, so he decreed that the UK should be split up into 8 administrative regions - Wales, Northern Ireland, Scotland, North East England, North West England, South West England, South East England, and Midland England, each having its own equivalent of Stormont or the Welsh Assembly to govern it.

Now, of course, this is Britain not France so we don't just tell them to fuck off because we love to obey rules as is demonstrated by the fact that we are always the first to implement whatever the Reich decides. So we came up with a plan : Wales Scotland and Ireland were already sorted which just left the problem of how to get round the rules for England without actually not implementing the rules. The answer? Regional Development Agencies - quangos which fulfilled the letter of the rules without actually having any power. How very New Labour a solution!

But now we have a new government and it wants to get rid of quangos, so these - and a few more similar ones that have come to life since the originals - are very much on the chop list. And frankly about time, too!

So now we are back to square one. England is the only country in the UK without its own administrative body.

So maybe while we are talking about the Scots going their own way, it's about time we though about England having its parliament and just leaving Westminster as a federal body.

Or, of course, we could just forget the whole thing and join up for Greater Germania...

Practice what you preach

A man accused of beating his estranged wife, televangelist Juanita Bynum, says he never hit her and that she physically abused him.

“I have been struck on the face and in the head … with a fist,” Thomas W. Weeks III told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution in an interview. “I have been choked … We had gone to counseling.”

Weeks faced felony charges on accusations he beat Bynum in the parking lot of an Atlanta hotel. He pleaded not guilty to charges of aggravated assault and making terroristic threats. He was freed on $40,000 bond and was not allowed to have contact with Bynum.

Asked about the incident that led to charges against him, Weeks expressed skepticism about Bynum’s account.

“A woman said to be kicked, punched, choked and brutally beaten by her husband, does she show up at the hospital four hours later … and refuse to let the police take official pictures of all of the bruises?” Weeks said.

Weeks, head of Global Destiny Ministries, said his church has lost 1,600 members since the incident.

Publications and broadcasts about his stormy marriage with Bynum have not shown a complete and accurate picture, Weeks said.

Bynum’s divorce petitions have cited “cruel treatment” and said the marriage is “irretrievably broken.”

Bynum leads a ministry that also includes a gospel record label and seminar tours. She has sold thousands of motivational books, CDs and DVDs related to empowerment and relationships.

Weeks, known to his followers as Bishop Weeks, co-wrote “Teach Me How to Love: The Beginnings” with Bynum.

Your attention, please...

Italy unravels like spaghetti

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! The great master plan doesn't seem to be going too well...

Naturally, I am greatly upset at the news that having executed a successful coup d'etat to oust Berlisconi, the Monti puppet doesn't seem to be doing what he is told.

Apparently, Monti has had a meeting with the Fuhrer where there seem to have been rather fuller and franker exchanges of views than were expected. After all, he was there to collect his instructions not to raise questions.

Monti has told Merkel that Italy's reforms did not receive the recognition that they deserved. He went on to tell the press "Despite our sacrifices we do not experience any kind of concession by the EU, for example in the form of a cut in interest rates"

The Italian PM warned that his country would need to see more concrete support from both France and Germany in return for agreeing to painful austerity measures imposed by Merkel and Sarkozy and that if the pressure from Merkozy continues, Italians may refer to leave the Euro zone altogether.

Merkozy are visiting Italy today - presumably to apply more of the aforementioned unacceptable pressure!

Meanwhile, a poll in an Italian newspaper would seem to show support for Monti's stance. Over 30 per cent of the country believed that Italy would be better off returning to the lira rather than sticking with the euro whilst 65 percent thought the introduction of the euro had been more damaging than beneficial for the Italian economy.

Confidence in the European Union dropped to 51 per cent, the lowest level for more than three years.

As the Euro zone's third largest economy, the Reich cannot let it fail - so expect to see Monti's brinkmanship bring some megabucks Italy's way in the near future.

Watch out Cameron! There's pickpockets about...

An 'armless bit of fun...

Oh, dear! It would seem that the Wallace and Gromit people have dropped a right bollock...although, thinking about it, that might be a bit of an unfortunate phrase under the circumstances!

Lepra - the charity that works with 3,000 schools across the UK to promote an understanding of the disease - says its work has been undone by the trailer.

The 'offensive' scene shows the arrival of the Pirate Captain on board a captive ship, demanding gold. "Afraid we don't have any gold old man, this is a leper-boat," explains a crew member. "See," he adds as his arm falls off.

Lepra's president Sir Christ Bonington said: "It might make you laugh but leprosy stigma not only hurts, it is still forcing people to live a life on the fringes of society. Not only is the dropping off of body parts a total misnomer we have to ask ourselves, as we watch it uncomfortably, is it acceptable for us to be laughing at the millions of people who are disabled by leprosy?"

Well, frankly it did make me laugh, and in my opinion Bonnington is spouting pretentious shite.

Chief executive Sarah Nancollas said: "The high profile use of this play on a misleading stereotype has the potential to set the leprosy agenda back years."

Sorry, Sarah, but that's actually bollocks as well, isn't it?

This fuss has actually done more to highlight the issue of leprosy than anything that your charity has managed to do in living memory, so really you should be grateful.

Or - cynical me -  is that why you are making the fuss in the first place?...

Education, education, education

Now where was it that I heard that mantra? Oh Yes! Tony Blair rammed it down out throats before he was elected and proceeded to forget all about it afterwards...

Last week, there was a survey of sixth formers. You know, the brightest of the bright, cream of the crop, the flower of our country's youth. This is what they found :

• 9 out of ten can name all of Beckham's children
• 1 in three think that Winston Churchill is a fictitious character
• 1 in four think that Hadrian's Wall was built to keep out the French

History it seems has gone to the wall in favour of 'easier subjects' in order to meet the requirements of Labour's farcical league tables. The subject's take up rate is only 30% in comprehensives and 50% in grammar schools. There are 159 state schools where history s not taught at all.

In Knowsley, Merseyside 11 out of 2,000 prospective candidates took GCSE history. Only four of them passed. We are the only country in Europe where history can be dropped before the age of 16.

Why the fuss? Why should it matter?

Well, the answer is that it is difficult to know who you are if you don't know where you come from. Heritage is important because it defines what we are.

A man who believes this is Adrian Sykes who has written a book called 'Made in Britain'. It seeks to explain to us who the people are that made Britain what it is and what inventions and innovations this country has made that contribute to the modern world. I commend it to you.

Meanwhile, in a poll of one million people to find who think is the greatest Britain, Diana came 3rd and John Lennon 7th. Unsurprisingly and perhaps reassuringly, Churchill came top but rather more worrying Michael Crawford was 17th.

Ooooooo, Betty!

Show us yer tits!

Last Saturday there was a protest march outside the headquarters of the Harley Medical Group, which installed some 13,900 PIP implants between September 2001 and March 2010.

What surprised me about this protest was that they chose to march on a Saturday when the building was unoccupied, so what exactly was the point? But more surprisingly, only about 60 people turned up. So - big scandal then?

Well, actually yes, it is!

I declare an interest. I once went out with a woman who had a breast implant because she was lop sided. OK, I know we all are but she was seriously lop sided and the implant was done on the NHS. I have a great deal of sympathy therefore for women who have had reconstructive surgery for any medical reason and have these faulty implants. The government has said - honourably in my view - that it will replace them on the NHS.

Now I get contentious. Firstly, I am completely unsympathetic to any woman who has had these implants done purely for vanity reasons. You're an idiot. I don't wish the faulty implants on you, but you had this done completely unecessarily and your own common sense should tell you that sticking stuff inside your body is potentially hazardous. And in any case, silicon implants have a shelf life shorter than your life span.

Having said that, companies such as Harley Medical made a lot of money doing these operations. They used these implants because they maximised their profit, albeit in good faith. The company has blamed the government's regulatory authority for approving the PIP implants. It accused the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) of not carrying out proper checks. Sorry, but the mouthwash ain't making it - I can still smell the bullshit!

Under the Sale of Goods Act a product has to be fit for purpose. Breast implants are no exception. Also under this act, the supplier - not the manufacturer - has a legal obligation to replace the product free of charge. As I understand the situation, Harley Medical is worried that if it replaces all the PIP implants that it has installed it will have a seriously detrimental effect on its profits.

My message to Andrew Lansley is simple - don't wimp out and dump the bill on the taxpayers. Make the private clinics who fitted these things replace them, not the NHS.

Why would you want to?

First of all, I would like to say that I extend my sympathies to the relatives of the dead and missing caused by the sinking of the Costa Concordia. It's a tragedy, and I am sincerely sorry for your grief and anguish and for the suffering of the passengers and crew directly involved.

Having said that, I just don't get it. Why the fuck would anyone want to spend their holiday on a bloody great floating town with 4,228 other people?

As my regular readers will know, I cruise a lot. The largest ship I have ever sailed on had a passenger capacity of 320 people. In my defence, it was the first cruise I did. Since then I have never been on one that holds more than 120.

The other day I was sent an offer in the post by our friends at Saga - incidentally, just how the hell do you stop Saga sending unsolicited shit through the post once they have got your name? I was being offered a cruise around the world. It was going to some very nice places that I have already been to, so it was interesting to compare itineraries.

One particular place of interest was Pitcairn Island. We were there in 2010 on a boat that holds 112 people. Pitcairn is tiny. It has a population of 57. Going ashore is a real challenge. We did it in rubber boats 12 at a time, had lunch there and spent the entire day on the island.

Saga's boat holds over 600 passengers. It arrives at 07:00 and leaves again at 13:00 so I can only assume that they start taking the first people back to the ship as soon as the last people have been put ashore.

The boats I use have one restaurant with open seating and dress is always informal. No dress codes, no set seating, no choice of restaurants. Also no theatres, no swimming pools, no organised entertainment, no choices of bars, no casino. And you get to know your fellow passengers.

There are, of course, two major differences. When you take a zero of the passenger numbers, you have to also add a zero onto the price.

And the other difference is that if you do have an accident, then you are not trampled to death by 4,000 people all desperate to get into a lifeboat.

Like I said, I don't get why you would want to get on one of these things in the first place...

Cardinal sin...

News this week that Ratshitter has appointed 22 new cardinals - that's on top of the ones he appointed last year - bringing the number of freeloaders who are eligible to vote for his successor to 125.

Not surprisingly, he has surrounded himself with people who think like he does, but perhaps the most interesting new appointment is that of controversial New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan.

Dolan, you may recall, has been accused of mishandling - or plain covering up - accusations of molestation or sexual abuse of young children during his tenure.

Mary Caplan, the New York leader of SNAP, Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, released a statement condemning the Pope’s decision to elevate Dolan to cardinal :

"As long as the Pope keeps promoting church officials who keep parishioners in doubt, victims in pain, and kids at risk, there will be more child sex crimes. Dolan is the Teflon prelate - through superb public relations, when he acts recklessly and callously with kids' safety, he's almost always able to deny and deflect blame. Dolan is by far the most media-savvy Catholic official on the planet, so we're not surprised the pope has promoted him.

"In Missouri, Wisconsin and New York, he's (Dolan) treated child sex victims and paedophile priests just like his brother bishops across the country have. Dolan's just more skilled at hiding his misdeeds. Don't be fooled by Dolan's glad-handing, self-effacing charm. Behind closed doors, he continues to be a shrewd manager who's determined and adept at keeping clergy sex crimes covered up,” she said.

Needless to say, members of the New York Archdiocese are delighted...

Advise for married men

3 men married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The 2nd man married a Thai.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the 3rd day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Scotland .

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything either but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Rotten Boroughs - Waveney District

Regular readers will remember that not so long ago I told you about Conservative councillor Andrew Draper who was arrested and convicted of drink driving and kicking a police officer.

Well, it seems that this was not enough to get the honourable Councillor to resign, but good news now is that he did eventually go after Suffolk police revealed he had been charged with a new offence of sending an offensive email and that he was being investigated over an allegation of having an offensive weapon – believed to be a stun gun – at his home in Carlton Colville.

You might recall that the Conservatives in Waveney kicked him out but that he continued to support them anyway, so you might be forgiven for regarding this as a bit of window dressing.

It seems that after his earlier conviction, he made a complaint against Suffolk Police. The later e-mail was sent to Sgt Alison Tyler after she told Draper his complaint was not being upheld.

The court heard that Draper's email - said to have been sent when he was drunk - contained personal comments, asking "When was the last time a man desired you?"

Judge David Cooper told the court that Draper had fallen from being a pillar of society to being a complete pariah.

Such pillars we can certainly do without...

North Cyprus

The Turkish Republic of North Cyprus is an interesting place for a holiday - not least because it doesn't exist...

If you are looking for sophistication, golden sands and five star hotels  then perhaps I would also suggest that it is not the place for you. But for all that, it does have the feel of the the Greek islands as they were 40 years ago before the Great God Tourism took over and fucked the place up completely.

The last time I was in Cyprus - the southern bit - things were a little more strained between the two halves. You couldn't cross the border between the two halves because if you tried then you got shot at. The only way to get in to the Turkish Republic - or as the southern Cypriots call it "the occupied territories" - was to fly in via Istanbul and then only if you didn't have a Greek stamp in your passport. And if the Turks stamped your passport then you had to get a new one if you wanted to go to Greece. Just too much hassle; so you avoided the place altogether. And because of this, the tourist industry never really got off to a flying start.

We flew into Larnaca and crossed the border at Nicosia. You fill in your passport details on a piece of paper and they stamp that instead of your passport. They do the same on the way out and then you conveniently misplace the piece of paper before you get to the airport. That way you can pretend that you never went to the place that officially doesn't exist anyway. Still, if keeps then happy then why rock the boat?

For a place that hasn't officially existed since the invasion / liberation in 1974, it's rather difficult for the Greeks to ignore the bloody great flag chiseled in to chalk on the hills overlooking Nicosia. It's a sort of great big 'fuck you' sign really. It's particularly attractive at night when they illuminate it. Kinda makes the piece of paper routine look a bit silly really...

It gets even sillier when you consider the EU. The EU doesn't recognise that the North exists, so they only let Cyprus join as an entity. They held two referenda. In the North they voted 74% Yes and in the South they voted 75% No. You need to bear in mind that the population is much higher in the South. Cyprus joined the EU in 2004. Let's hope that if we ever get our referendum, they actually take notice of the result!

Like I said, interesting place the Turkish Republic of North Cyprus / occupied territories - depending how you look at it...

President Cantona

Following the news that Eric Cantona is to run for the Presidency of France and Deputy Leader of the Fourth Reich, I gave him a ring and asked him what he was up to.

Here's a transcript of our conversation...

"Why have you decided to do this, Eric?"

"I try to find different ways of expressing myself. Without that I will die. I stopped playing football because I'd done as much as I could. I needed something which was going to excite me as much as football had excited me."

"Do you think you have a chance?

"I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win. Sometimes in life one experiences an emotion which is so strong that it is difficult to think, or to reason."

"And have you studied your adversaries in the race, particularly President Sarkozy?"

"I didn't study; I live."

"Fair enough. How do you feel you can work together with Chancellor Merkel to solve the Euro crisis?"

"Sometimes you get submerged by emotion. I think it's very important to express it – which doesn't necessarily mean hitting someone."

"Why do feel you have the experience to lead your nation?"

"I'm proud of what I achieved there, but a life built on memories is not much of a life. My best moment? I have a lot of good moments but the one I prefer is when I kicked the hooligan."

"And your message to the voters?"

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea."

So there you have it. Can't be difficult to be better than the current encumbent, I'd say...

Time for another veto ?

Amazingly, despite David Cameron's use of the veto last month the creature that is Merkozy is still pushing forward with it's financial warfare against this country.

Cameron has made it abundantly clear that he will not allow Britain to be subjected to the imposition of a financial transaction tax unless it is global, but the Fourth Reich has decided that it will have one of this.

On Monday this week the French and Germans met to discuss their plans to implement this tax across the EU - including the UK. To Sarkozy it is, of course, a vital piece of political posturing to make him look good ahead of the forthcoming French Presidential Election. 'Screw ze Breets' is always a good rallying call for a beleaguered French President in need of a few extra votes.

Merkel on the other hand makes noises that she would be devastated to see Britain leave the EU. This is fully understandable as they cannot take over a country by stealth if that country is not willing to play the game. But she must at the same time keep her French puppet in play or the game will fall apart. This is a difficult juggling act, but anyone who thinks she cannot handle it would be seriously underestimating the capabilities of a dangerous adversary.

The double whammy for Cameron is that if he allows this tax to go ahead then he will cripple the City of London and the bankers will never forgive him. They will go for his throat and he will be deservedly finished. On the other hand, if he exercises the veto at the EU summit later this month and last years pattern is repeated, then the other countries could once again go ahead without us.

As a country it suits us to let this happen. The City already handles the majority of financial transactions in the EU and this move would make us even more attractive to their financial institutions. Our economy would gain significantly at the expenses of France and German. The same would happen if we left the EU altogether.

Looks clear cut to me - out or veto. It's a win-win...

Assisted Dying

I feel obliged this week to return to a topic on which I feel strongly and on which I have written on several previous occasions.

After much deliberation, the independent Commission on Assisted Dying, whose members include several prominent peers and medics, wants GPs to be able to prescribe lethal doses of medication for dying people to take themselves.

Naturally, certain conditions and safeguards need to be put in place as part of all this, but it is nevertheless a step in the right direction. It cannot be right that human beings are deprived of the right to decide for themselves when their lives have become intolerable; to decide that they can no longer endure pain and suffering and then to have it decided for them that their lives are so sacred that they must endure until the very last moment. This is cruelty of the first order. It would be illegal to inflict it on an animal.

The final report of the Commission, chaired by the former Labour minister Lord Falconer, concludes: “There is a strong case for providing the choice of assisted dying for terminally ill people." It call for the facility to be restricted to those judged to be in the final year of life, for two doctors to be required to assess the case and for the patient to have clear mental capacity to understand what is proposed.

Should I fit these criteria, I would be given the means with which to self administer the lethal dose myself. This is as it should be because this is assisted dying, not euthanasia.

Interestingly the BMA refused to take part in the Commission's investigation. I say 'interestingly' because I find it hard to understand why they should refuse. Doctors already accept 'Do Not Resuscitate' instructions. They already allow patients to self administer potentially lethal doses of pain killers. They allow patients to starve themselves to death.

On Friday I am attending the funeral of a 91 year old relative who simply had had enough of her life and decided that she was no longer interested in maintaining it by eating and drinking. She was allowed to sink into unconsciousness and pass peacefully away. She was frail, and in reasonable health but had no quality of life. The nursing home she was in took reasonable care of her, but she was in God's waiting room and knew it.

I am not suggesting that there was a case for her to end it all. Indeed as she had dementia, the proposed rules would not have allowed it anyway. What I trying to say is that the doctors allowed her to go, so for the same doctors to be opposed to assisted death seems to me to be hypocrisy.

I have no expectation that this matter will be resolved in the short term, but I sincerely hope that it may be resolved in time for it to be of use to me should I find myself in the unfortunate position in the, hopefully, distant future to need to make this difficult decision. It is, after all, my life so why should it not be my decision?

In the meantime, at least the debate is taking place...

Cameron : new appointment

Breaking news that following his recent remarks, David Cameron has been appointed as Chairman of the body to promote tourism to Britain in 2012...

93 Men in a Boat (9) - The Moral Compass

OK, I'm cheating a bit as I didn't actually come across this particular arsehole on a boat but on my recent land based trip to the delights of North Cyprus - of which, more later.

Every group needs a spiritual leader. Someone to lay down standards and provide a moral compass. Someone who leads clearly and unambiguously by example.

We had just such a stalwart on our recent New Year expedition...

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I sat down next to him and his wife at our New Year celebratory dinner. Clearly they were not happy. I got the distinct impression that there just might be something about me which they didn't quite like. It started off alright but then the wife started studiously ignoring me - even to the extent of cutting straight into my conversation with the person opposite as if I was not actually speaking at all. Clearly she had decided that they should be ignoring me as well. They never spoke to me again all night, which frankly caused me many sleepless hours later, as you can imagine.

A few days later they gatecrashed a trip out which they had already done once the previous week - without paying for it, of course. Or the included lunch, which saved them buying one. As I was paying for my drinks at the counter, I was laughing and joking with one of my other fellow travellers and this bastard clearly didn't care for my tone or language.

He turned on me and said "Can you not moderate your bloody language. Every other word with you is bloody!" Duh? At the time we had been discussing that this was an ABC trip - another bloody church - so the word was difficult to avoid. He also committed the capital sin of saying this over his shoulder as he walked away - which normally would produce a red mist in my eyes and a reflex action of planting my boot up his arse, but he was away a bit quick for me!

Anyway, I walked after him and replied "I can also do bollocks and you can fuck off you hypocritical bastard." I gave it a minute or so to get a reaction but clearly I was being ignored again. Then I walked away.

One of my companions asked what it was all about, When I told her she just said "Bloody hypocrite" and laughed. Her husband said I should take no notice as apparently he had been ticking people off ever since he arrived.

You come across a lot of these types as you travel the world. They think everyone should behave the way they tell you but, of course, they never apply the same standards of behaviour to themselves. I remember I came across a similar prat in India a few years ago. She looked me straight in the face across a restaurant table and said " You should keep your unwanted opinions to yourself for the good of the group harmony." "What," I replied, "like you you just did?"

Anyway, I got my own back on this particular prat on the plane on the way home when he unfortunately tripped over my foot while returning from the toilet...

Olympic tickets : TOLD YOU SO ! ! !

The site will crash. I guarantee it. It won't handle the volume of traffic.

Remember, you heard it here first...

It gives me no pleasure to say this  - well, OK! Maybe a little! - but it did say this would happen, didn't I?

This comment from the BBC's James Pierce on Twitter :

"The website, which is run by Ticketmaster, simply has not delivered the high-quality service which was expected.

During the initial sales period it crashed at crucial times, and now it has failed again during the resale phase.

Of course part of the reason for this is the huge demand for tickets, and London 2012 cannot be blamed for that, but the simple fact is that both London 2012 and Ticketmaster have had years to prepare for this."

Er....Yes, they can, James. There isn't anyone else to blame. They have been carping on about the volumes for weeks and simply didn't design or load test the system properly.

TOLD YOU SO ! ! !

Down on Jollity Farm

I am not really a great fan of Christmas and New Year festivities.

I have felt for many years that Christmas is that time of year when the stupid and gullible gather together to celebrate the birth of catalogue shopping. Don't get me wrong - the day itself is great once yo get over the three of four months of relentless pressure that precedes it.

The the one that I don't get at all is New Year. I mean, whats all the fuss about anyway? I blame the Scottish for starting it all and the English for jumping on the bandwagon in the hopes - well founded as it happens - of getting another day of work on the basis that they're too hung over to go to work anyway. Let's face it, it's just another excuse for a piss up.

But then again maybe after all that compulsory bon homie at Christmas, the New Year is a great excuse to tie one on and tell all those two faced bastards that you've been sucking up to all year exactly what you really think of them? In vino veritas and all that? After all no-one will remember what you said the next day...

Then again, there is the concept of a new year signalling a new beginning. Out with the old and in with the new and all that sort of stuff. Something to look forward to.

Well this year according the mighty Merkozy it's going to be even more shit than it was last year! So much for a new beginning! But then again, such honesty in a politician seldom gets put into action, so maybe there's hope after all?

And then, of course, there is the Olympics to look forward to - an opportunity for the French to piss themselves laughing at the stupid old Brits making embarrassing arses of themselves and forking out twenty odd billion at the same time! I'm actually looking forward to it because it gives me the perfect excuse to go thumbing through the holiday brochures trying to find somewhere where I can avoid it altogether. Maybe I'll even make a few quid from renting out my house to a gullible sports fan or two?

Still, there is always the great Euro collapse to look forward to. The thought of watching the Eu implode and taking the bastards of the Fourth Reich with it - now that's got to be something to really look forward to.

Happy New Year...

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department at John Lewis. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

Now John Lewis are reknowned for their helpful and knowledgeable assistants, so she replied "What type of bra. sir?"

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," she said as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from - Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and Baptist. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic supports the masses;
The Salvation Army lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright;
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

The man then asked about various sizes and what the letters meant. "It's really quite simple," she replied, handing him a chart which read :

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction....
{H} Help me, I've fallen over and I can't get up!...

In the end he bought a German bra called Holtzemfrumfloppen.


( Dioclese is sadly contemplating his return from Cyprus... )

Unwanted Christmas gift

I found this doll on eBay with the following description :

"Unwanted Christmas gift. Talking Muslim doll"

Underneath was a question :

"What does it say?"

To which was posted the following reply :

"Not sure. It doesn't say on the box and no-one's had the guts to pull the chord yet..."


( Dioclese is still enjoying the Cypriot sunshine and cheap Metaxa )

Sound like anyone you know?

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. Unfortunately, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her gGlasses, the old geezer yelled to her ...

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."

(Dioclese is currently sitting in a bar in Cyprus...)

WalMartians

Last year, I posted a series of photographs of weird people in WalMart (are then any other types?)...

To start off this year with a laugh, here's an excellent video sent to me by a friend of mine in the west (of England).



(Dioclese is currently sitting in a bar in Cyprus...)

Welcome to 2012

...but in the meantime, I'm sitting in a bar in Northern Cyprus with a drink in my hand.

Cheers! And a Happy New Year to you all.