Sunday, 22 April 2012

The Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorn

My quest to find a truly definitive religion continues! Already we have investigated the Flying Spaghetti Monster (blessed be his noodly appendage) and the Church of the SubGenius (praise be to Bob), but this week we have tracked down the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (may her holy hooves never be shod)...

Their website puts it beautifully : "Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them." Kinda hard to argue with that logic, isn't it?

Here is a summary of the major articles of the faith :
  • Our Lady Unicorn is Pink and Invisible.
  • She prefers Pineapple and Ham Pizza to Pepperoni and Mushroom. The latter is said to be eaten only by followers of the despicable Purple Oyster (of Doom).
  • The Followers of the IPU have more Holy Days than those of all other faiths put together, as any Holy Day of any faith is automatically an IPU Holy Day. Holy Days are used by the Faithful to sow seeds of doubt and uncertainty in the minds of addicts of other religions. The Holiest Day of the Year is April 1st. It is the day on which She suggests we find a religious nut and say "There is as much evidence for the existence of your god/gods as there is for the Invisible Pink Unicorn, why don't you check out Her web-site, maybe you'll learn something?"
  • A significant number to followers of the IPU is 42. It is the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?" Importantly, if you add together the digits of the year in which she was revealed, (1+9+9+4) you get 23. If you add 4 (for Her hooves), add 2 (Her ears) add 2 (Her eyes) add 1 (Her Horn), add 1 (Her tail) then add 9 the result is also 42. This proves the significance of Two Score and Two.
  • Certain chosen followers of the IPU are blessed with visitations, shown with signs in their laundry. See the Revelation of The Lost Prophetess of AOL for more details.
I quote from Hoofprints 4:14 (by the prophet Ixian):

"Yea, and I was given by inspiration that She was next to me, and I could touch Her, being the loyal servant, and I laid my hand upon Her mane, and She was Pink. She was not pink, She was not colourless, but She felt Pink, and I was thus overcome. I awoke later with a hangover, but I knew She was yet Pink, but invisible."

Then there is Kazoo 6:73

"For her Pinkness is such that it transcends pinkness. Yea, it is beyond the ken of man or mind to comprehend, but we shan't question it for it is the doubter than shall be skewered upon Her Sacred Horn, like unto a shish kebob."

I rest my case, for it is unduly heavy...

1 comment:

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