The spirit of Scargill lives on...

Take a good long hard look at the picture above if you are on strike today!

Do you remember the miners' strike? Why am I reminding you of it now?

It's because this was the last time that a load of left-wing socialist Marxist scum manipulated the ordinary workers of this country in an attempted coup d'etat to bring down the democratically elected government.

And if you are on strike today, then you are falling for the claptrap that is being fed you by these people. You are being used.

This strike is nothing to do with public service pensions. Every person in this country is being squeezed because of the reckless and irresponsible spending by the Labour party - that's the same Labour party that is now owned lock, stock and barrel by the Trades Unions. The same Labour party you are being conned into trying to return to power by the use of politicaly motivated industrial action.

Everybody has suffered in this financial crisis. Everybody that has a pension fund has suffered losses. Why should you be different?

You still earn on average more than your equivalent in the private sector. You are being asked to contribute more to your pension, just like everyone else, but unlike everyone else you still end up with a better pension. You still pay proportionately less for it. You still have better wages.

There is, however, one more difference between me and you. I am contributing to your pension, but you are detracting from mine. My taxes go into your pot, which means the government has less left for my state pension.

So if you want to be on strike today - and the union ballots suggest that the vast majority of you don't want to be - then you are a greedy, parasitic cancer on the nation. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you really want people like Scargill running the country, because if you then you really are just plain stupid...

93 men in a boat (8) - The Opera Bore

I knew I was in trouble the minute he invited himself to join us at our dinner table. It was our own fault. We had left a vacant seat, and he was on his own...

It only took a few moments to realise why he was on his own. He was travelling on his own because he had bored his wife to death a few years back.

He was an opera buff.

I know I asked for it as this was the second trip I had done this year which had an opera theme to it. The first time around was in a Palazzo in Italy and we got away with it. On that occasion even the singers were pleasant and outgoing and quite interesting people once you got chatting to them. But this time was different. We were on a boat - admittedly a very nice boat - but we were trapped. No going out for a meal. No popping out for a beer. Unless you fancied a swim in the Danube - chilly in November - there was no escape.

We started off with the relative merits of sopranos. Did I prefer Georghiou to Te Kanawa or Kabaivanska? Was Tosca a better female role than Traviata or Butterfly?

Then we moved on to composers. Verdi was OK but surely I agreed that Puccini was more rounded? And wasn't Britten the best twentieth century composer?

Then there were the tenors? Gobi was so much better than Pavarotti, and Domingo was so past his best these days! Christ, he could drone on and on and on and on for hours. Like a Chartered bloody Accountant only less interesting...

When I had had enough I explained that I was a professional musician in the hope it would kerb his enthusiasm. But no - not even interested in what sort of musician I might be, he proceeded to inform me that there was no-one living today who could possibly be called a musician because to be a real musician you had to have written opera and then died!

In the end I gave up. Resolving to avoid him like the plague, I decided to deliver a lecture on the relative merits of Paul Kossoff, Eric Clapton, Hendrix and Jimmy Page. Totally non-plussed he simply said he had not come across them and asked me which operas they had appeared in!

God give me strength...

The Dear Gill Letters (17)

Home improvements and feline capers...

OK - so I got a new bathroom. So what's the big deal? The press seem to think that it's some kind of bad example in these times of austerity but I mean did you see the hideous creation that old slot gob left us with?

I mean I know her bum looked big in most things but you should see the size of the bidet!! Dave can bath Florrie in it and then climb in with her! And that hideous floral design on the tiles...looks like deadly nightshade or something. Was this Tony's 'I'll get you yet Gordie' fantasy or what?

Anyway it's all gone and frankly I'm not going to apologise for it especially that simply georgeous Italian limestone. I mean if they can make stuff like this, why is their economy so tits up? There's just nothing quite like it.

Still, I'm glad we've done it because now Dave and I have somewhere to relax away from the kids after a long stressful day trying to lead the free world to the promissed land. There's nothing like a good soak in the Jacuzzi and a nice cold bottle of Bollie to soak away your woes, darling!

Oh, I suppose you heard about Larry? I really don't know why we have that cat! He's supposed to catch all the mice that infest this God forsaken relic of a building but instead he's been spending all his time asleep - think's he's in the House of Lords or something, I reckon. Anyway, Dave was having lunch with the cabinet the other day and this bloody great rodent went charging across the carpet. He tried to spear it by chucking his fork at it, but of course it was hopeless, much to the amusement of the cabinet. Somebody suggested that a fork would never replace Trident, which didn't go down too well!!

We were about to consign the damn cat to a sack in the Thames when Arthur came in with a rather sheepish look on his face. Apparently the cursed cat had chewed up some of his toys so he decided to slow it down by mixing my tranks with it's food. No wonder the poor bloody thing was asleep all the time with this strange relaxed look on its face! But don't tell the papparazzi 'cos they reckon Larry been out on the tiles sowing his oats around!

And talking of stress, bloody Herr Fuhrer Merkel has been pissing Dave off again. I can always tell when she been on his case 'cos he goes around the house muttering about how a third war's not out of the question and why can we just nuke Berlin and get it over with. I mean I know he's only letting off steam 'cos he's quite pro Europe really but just don't tell the press or mention it on your mobile phone - which I suppose amounts to the same thing really lol!

And what the hell was he doing on that building site with Little Nicky Clegg? I said to him I said "For fucks sake, Dave. Just look at those wellies! Do you want to be reminded of Willy in his baseball cap or Diddy Dave with his banana?" He really ought to be more careful when there's cameras around! And the mud!!! God, what a job I had getting it off his trousers afterwards. I told him, I said "You can't go back to work looking like that! What would Queenie think of you dropping mud all over the palace carpet?" but he just laughed and said "Don't worry darling - that's what footmen are for"...

And apparently the Yanks want us to help them invade Iran or somewhere 'cos they're having problems with their budget and are having to reduce the size of their armies. Dave thinks there's a bit of horse trading to be done there. You know, sort of "we'll help you invade Iran if you lean on Merky and Sarky for us" to get them off our backs. They really are beyond the pale those two. They seem to have forgotten who invaded and occupied who and who it was that invaded and dug them out! Un-bloody-believable!!!

Anyway, to hell with them all. I'm off to the bathroom for a good soak and a bit of me time,

Vicar sues God over hate campaign

A vicar who moved to an “idyllic” rural parish claims that locals subjected him and his family to a four-year-reign of intimidation and terror.

Reverend Mark Sharpe claims parishioners slashed his tyres, smeared excrement over the family car, strewed broken glass over his drive and even poisoned his pet dog. He says he and his wife Sara were forced to install CCTV cameras at the rectory to protect themselves and their four children after their post was tampered with and internet and phone connections were cut.

Eventually they moved away and this week Rev Sharpe began a claim of constructive dismissal against the Church of England.

Apparently, soon after moving to the countryside parish in Worcestershire he uncovered administrative mismanagement and financial problems but after highlighting those, he began receiving ''sinister'' anonymous letters telling him it was not ''his church'' but ''a local church for local people''.

Rev Sharpe, who is being supported by the faith workers section of the Unite union, claims he was effectively forced out of his parish and that the bishop and diocese of Worcester did nothing to protect him. He is asking employment judges whether he is entitled to bring a claim against the Diocese, claiming he had assumed that being an officer of the church would provide him the same rights as an employee.

However, the Church of England's official line on this is that their clergy are 'employed by God' which is a pretty neat get out line, especially as they initially accepted the position as employers before hastily withdrawing it!

Given the recent ruling that Priests were employees of the Catholic Church, it will be interesting to see how this pans out.

In the meantime, my congratulations go to the parisioners of the Teme Valley South Ministry for exhibitting such a remarkable Christain spirit of charity and tolerance...

( You can read the full story in the Daily Telegraph )

Just a thought...

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years previously, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria ?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow...

The Nick Clegg song

Couldn't have written it better myself...



And if this is all too much for you, when you have stopped larfing, this guy has just posted a nice version of 'American Pie' worth cocking an ear to. Nice one, Chas.

Why is William Hague still a cunt?

Now there's a question that will strike a chord in the hearts of stout hearted Englishmen everywhere!

I can't help thinking that when Hague was elected as Tory leader, he was bloody useless! Remember that election campaign for 'save the pound'? Years ahead of it's time or just plain embarassing?

Remember the picture above? A bananaman moment that should have sunk the little prat forever. But no...

He's back. At the centre of government. Fucking up our foreign policy and embarassing the hell out of us while he does it.

OK. I know what you are going to say. He might look like a prat, but this is a job once held by Robin Cook so clearly looking a bit odd is a job requirement. So let's look at his record...

Wind back for a moment to those heady days after the 2010 election. You remember those days? When we thought that the new boss might not be just the same as the old boss? In July 2010, Hague gave a speech entitled "Britain's Foreign Policy in a Networked World" the first in a series of four by the Foreign Secretary setting out how a distinctive British foreign policy can and should be achieved.

Here's an excerpt :

"...we will deliver a distinctive British Foreign policy that extends our global reach and influence, that is agile and energetic in a networked world, that uses diplomacy to secure our prosperity, that builds up significantly strengthened bilateral relations for Britain, that harnesses the appeal of our culture and heritage to promote our values, and that sets out to make the most of the abundant opportunities of the 21st century systematically and for the long-term. So for the first time in years Britain will have a foreign policy that is clear, focused and effective."

Now let's get back to the real world of today. This week the follically challenged little twerp has upset the Columbians. As their President visits Britain to discuss deepening trade relationships, he has told them that Britain puts human rights (don't you just love that expression?) at the heart of foreign policy, and that Columbia must address the issue if it expects to deal with Britain.

Colombia apparently has one of the worst records on human rights and kills more trade unionists than any other country. Not all bad then...

Then there's the Syrians. Hague has met with rebel Syrian leaders in London to tell them he supports their aim to overthrow the government of Syria. Now whatever you think of Assad, this is the overthrow of the government of a foreign country we are supporting. Would he have had similar discussion with the IRA if he had been in power a few years back, or is that somehow different?

How the governments of other countries conduct themselves is none of our business. It is an internal matter of them to resolve on their own. Leave them alone, Hague. Keep your nose out!

And while we're talking about regime change, perhaps we should be keeping a close eye on what's going on closer at home - in Italy and Greece for example.

Otherwise, we are in danger of becoming the next victim of a foreign policy that is fine when we apply it to other countries, but which we wouldn't like applied to ourselves?

Unemployment in perspective

Much has been said over the last few months about the increases in unemployment, especially with the announcement of the latest figures last week.

And of course the flavour of the moment seems to be the plight of our youth and their hopes for the future.

But I think it is important to take a closer look at what is actually happening.

It is quite clear form the ONS graph that I have reproduced above that as a percentage of the total number unemployed, youth unemployment has actually gone down. The real victim of the recession and its ensuing financial problems is not just our youth - it is the whole of our working population.

Now I am not decrying the problems that school leavers and university graduates have in finding a job, altough I do think that a great number of them could improve their prospects of employment if they were prepared to be more flexible in their job search. But what about the other end of the spectrum? What about the over 40s and the over 50s? What about the poor buggers made redundant who have little prospect of ever finding another job because they are written off as being just too old?

Perhaps I am a little biased as one of the older generation who as been made redundant no less than 5 times over my working life, but I can remember when the unemployed numbered over 3 million and that was from a considerably smaller population. I am not suggesting that this is either good or desirable, but again let's remember that things have been worse.

The latest figures show an increase of around 7.5% in the number of people under 25 out of work - 21.9% from 20.2% - but the same figures for over 50's shows an increase of 25%.

So yes, let's try and get our young people working - but at the same time let's not forget about the other end of the age scale while we're doing it...

Money for nothing, and your house for free

Fancy a free house? Who wouldn't...

Well under a new plan announced yesterday by the two wallies pictured above, that exactly what you can expect to get if you play your cards right.

After a lot of consideration (really? Who'da thought it?...), the government has decided that the best way to tackle the crisis in housing caused by reckless lending is to encourage a return to reckless lending.

The problem is apparently that builders are not building houses on land they already own because the banks won't lend them the money they need to fund the build. So the government will put tax payers money into building projects to be repaid once the properties are sold. This is of course assuming that the properties are ever sold, because we have just given the builders every incentive to not bother selling their properties. After all, they already have the money, so why bother?

The other problem is that first time buyers can't get mortgages because the deposits they have to find are too high. The government will solve this by incentivising the banks to lend 95% mortgages again, underwriting the risk with our taxes.

Now I have every sympathy for people who quite rightly point out that the mortgage they would be paying is actually lower than the rent they are already paying. These people are clearly not a bad risk and should be able to raise mortgages. Sensible banking policy would solve this problem. But where's the incentive been for sensible banking policy? There's no profit in it...

And what's going to happen when interest rates rise again - as they inevitably will - and the repayments rise beyond people's ability to pay? Well, the government will likely bung 'em a bit more of our cash, I expect.

This new policy is a reflection of the desperation of the government to get the economy moving. They say it will produce 32,000 new jobs in the building industry. What they forget is that most of these jobs will go to economic migrants from EU countries like Poland who will be quick to jump on the building bandwagon as soon as it starts rolling again. Just as quick as they were to go home when building stopped. OK, we'll get some taxes out of it but let's not kid ourselves that it will reduce unemployment. Brits are basically slow to get their hands dirty in the building trade

We are told that the UK needs to build hundreds of thousands of new homes to address the 'chronic housing shortage'. I don't buy this argument. The UK is fast on the road to becoming the most densely populated country in Europe. We are filling up fast. If the people who aren't supposed to be here were sent home and we weren't being flooded by uncontrolled immigration, then we wouldn't need to pave over our country.

Yes, we need sensible lending to enable responsible people to buy homes. What we don't need is some half-arsed government kneejerk reaction which will result in people having no incentive to make the repayments because the government will guarantee the default. That's no way to proceed.

A gala meal in Linz...

As we were tied up in Linz alongside the Kunstmuseum - I wonder what they keep in there? - I came across the rather unfortunately named Nasi Goring on the dinner menu.

This led me to reflect on the fact that Linz in Austria in the birthplace of none other than one Adolf Hitler although for some reason there seemed to be no signs of commemoration for Linz's most famous son.

To remedy this, there is the menu for our special Adolf Memorial Dinner :

Starter

Kristelnacht Cocktail

Bricks of melon served on shards of broken ice

Soup

North Atlantic Pea Soup

Served with sculpted vegetable U-boats and a convoy of biscuits

Main course

either

Panzer of beef

served with a melee of Kosher vegetables on a bed of 'Third Rice'

or

Nazi Goering

with oven roasted vegetables

Sweet

'Retreat from Moscow'

An eagle's nest of white meringue, blood red raspberry coulie

and a 'Seig Heil' wafer

Coffee 'Mein Kampfe'

A selection of Normandy cheeses

To accompany, our selected wines this evening are : 

Third Reichling 1938

Blitzkreig Red 1941

And sadly, this style of menu is not too far removed from the pretentious shite we were actually presented with.

It tasted a damn site better than it sounded!

Church is liable for the crimes of Priests

The High Court in London has ruled that the Catholic Church can be held legally liable for the crimes of abusive clergy.

For the first time British law says the relationship of a priest to his bishop as that of an employee to an employer, instead of seeing the priest as effectively self-employed which means that a bishop and a diocese can be punished for the crimes of a priest.

The case involves a 47-year-old mother of three who claims she was repeatedly sexually assaulted by Fr Wilfred Baldwin as a seven-year-old girl in The Firs children’s home in Waterlooville, in southern England, in the early 1970s. She claims that she also was attacked in the dressing room of a church on the day she made her first Communion.

The court was not asked to judge the truth of the allegations but was specifically asked, as a preliminary hearing on the case, to rule on the question of whether the “relationship between a Catholic priest and his bishop is akin to an employment relationship”.

The judge said the Church gave Fr Baldwin the “premises, the pulpit and the clerical robes” and that he was given full authority and free rein in the community to “act as a representative of the church.”

“Whether or not the relationship may be regarded as ‘akin to employment,’ the principal features of the relationship dictate that the defendants should be held responsible for the actions which they initiated by the appointment and all that went with it,” said the judge.

The court ruling was welcomed by the victims’ support group, Ministers and Clergy Sexual Abuse Survivors.

The group claimed that while the Church spent millions of pounds attempting to avoid liability “the victims receive no support, and their suffering continues as they are re-traumatized by having to go through such adversarial and hostile legal processes to achieve justice”.

( You can read more aboutthis case in the Telegraph by clicking here )

Mrs Pudsey's passport...

Now that all that Cheeeldren in Need bollocks is over for another year, I thought that you might all like this heartwarming story about the real Pudsey Bear.

Yes, there really is one.

Eileen De Bont (that's Bont not Cont!) legally adopted the name of the BBC appeal's mascot and updated her documents. However, when she applied for a new passport in the name of Pudsey Bear her application was turned down.

She said: "I do not know what to do. It is utterly ridiculous. My old passport expired in October. They say they will only issue me with one in the name of Eileen De Bont, but that is not my name. I do not have any documents with that name on now. If I get a passport in the name of Eileen I am going to have trouble checking into hotels, hiring cars and even changing money."

Mrs Bear, a mother-of-two daughters aged 10 and 13, changed her name legally through the UK Deed Poll Service and sent off her driver's licence, bank cards, credit cards and tax forms to have them altered.

Her bank card now reads 'Mrs P Bear', and her driving licence 'Mrs Pudsey Bear'. She is addressed as 'Ms Pudsey Bear' on her council tax statements, and the Inland Revenue lists her as 'Mrs Pudsey Bear'.

The Identity & Passport Service, which addressed her as 'Mrs Bear', told her in a letter: "It is deemed to be a frivolous change of name, which would bring IPS into disrepute. It could also pose problems for you at border control in some countries. IPS is not questioning the validity of the deed poll, however, it is not prepared to issue a passport in a frivolous name which could compromise our mission statement 'safeguarding your identity'."

Mrs Bear said the decision would prevent her from taking holidays abroad. She said: "I love my new name. It has become part of my life. It is who I am. My girls both call me 'Mummy Bear'."

Mike Barratt, of the UK Deed Poll Service, criticized the decision. He said: "It is unnecessary interference from a public authority in Mrs Bear's private life that is in breach of her human rights."

Personally I think she behaved like a complete arse and deserved everything she got...

But that's just because I am a miserable tight-fisted cunt...

( You can read the full story in the Telegraph by clicking here )

Children in Need 2011

Yes, it's that time of year again. There's fuck all worth watching on tellie tonight because Pudsey is back...

Now, I know you are going to think that anyone who says that a charity appeal that raises so much for needy cheeldren should be taken off the air just because it's a load of purile, talentless shite is a fucking miserable bastard, but frankly I don't give a shit!

My wife was a single parent. Her first husband fucked off and left her holding the baby - the bastard! She didn't have two halfpennies to rub together or a pot to piss in, so she got off her arse and did whatever she had to do to put food in the baby's belly, clothes on its back and a roof over its head.

She did some really shitty jobs - and I mean really shitty. The sort of work that lots of people in this country would rather starve than do - except of course that in the modern welfare state there's no need to do these jobs. You just stick your hand out.

BBC Children in Need is just phase one of the charity barrage that signals the start of the Christmas onslaught in earnest. The chuggers are coming, and woe betide you if you tell them to bugger off!

I remember one year when I was doing a contact for the Royal Mail. Some spotty faced pleb with a bandage round his head and a big red bucket (who should have been inside the building working) stepped in front of me an refused to let me enter until I had put a quid in for Chldren in Need. I informed him that unless he wanted the bandage to actually perform its intended function, he needed to get out of the bloody way. He called me a miserable, tight fisted cunt.

This country is in the shit. Money is tight. Charity begins at home. Family first, everybody else second. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

When the big plastic Santa comes round on his lorry playing Christmas carols through a loudspeaker and they knock on my door, I don't answer it. When a tin is waved under my chin in the street, I ignore it.

I'm not tight fisted. I'm not miserable. But if standing my ground makes a cunt, then I plead guilty...

Pub of the Year

As the end of the year approaches, I thought I would like to put my personal nomination forward for the 'Pub of the Year 2011'

Walk into 'The Foul Mouthed Cunt' and you are transported to another era. From its friendly and curiously deadly bar staff to original watercolour paintings of car accidents adorning the walls, every detail is kept as it would have been over 100 years ago. It really is a step back in time.

And if it's great food you're after then the Cunt delivers! Decribed by Gary Rhodes a "Spine chilling" why not try the Blinding Migraine in a Volvo?. Bruised shin? or a Confetti of broken glass? And as for the puddings, how mouth-watering do you want to get? Tumble dried denim dusted with Volcano ash? Dry ice? Asphalt patio? All within an inch of your face.

But it's not just about the food - the ales are equally great : Why not try a great pint of Swollen Tits, or Old Mother's Twat. The locally brewed Fucking Typical never disappoints. And for the ladies? - how about Council Estate, a simply stunning Cote de Rhone?

Children are also catered for with an exciting play area that will keep them entertained for hours. All the paints are guaranteed highly toxic.

I could rave on for hours - and I frequently do - but if you want to know more about this stunningly different Hamshire gem, then I thoroughly recommend a visit to the web site which you can find by clicking here.

Stop whingeing about petrol prices...

OK - Point 1 : Just what the fuck was that load of old bollocks about last night in the House of Commons?

110,000 people decide that they have had enough of being stung by the Government with increases in fuel duty so they decide to have a debate. Sufficient hot air having been exuded to provide the bulk of our energy requirements for the next decade later, the House decides that it supports the motion without taking a vote, but in any case the decision will not be binding on Ministers.

...and these are the people who have the barefaced unmitigated gall to lecture us about waste!?!

Point 2 : Just why are we whingeing on about the price of Petrol?Let's be objective about this for a moment. Here's a table of the top 95 octane petrol prices per litre over on the continent. For comparison purposes I've converted them all to Euro

Norway		€1.83
Netherlands		€1.70
Belgium		€1.59
Greece		€1.59
Portugal		€1.59
Sweden		€1.57
Denmark		€1.56
Italy		€1.59
Finland		€1.56
Germany		€1.55
France		€1.53
UK		€1.53

So this means that there are eleven other countries in our immediate vicinity with petrol prices the same or higher than ours...

But if you really want to get your blood boiling, I watched a woman being interviewed on the BBC yesterday morning banging on just to prove that the average Brit really is a moaning thicky.

The woman in question was a child minder. She was complaining that the price of fuel was now so high that she had to downsize her people carrier. This meant that she couldn't now mind as many children.

So let's get this straight: She's reduced her income by spending loads of dosh on a new car because she hasn't got any money. There is no hope for her. She is terminally stupid.

Gobshite on the Danube

For the benefit of you Philistine, pig ignorant, non-cultured garbage out there, the picture above is of the Statsoperahaus in Vienna.

A little earlier in the year, you might remember my recanting to you the tale of my short stay at the Pallazzo Belmonte in Santa Maria de Castalabate on the Amalfi coast where Mrs D and I languished away our time attending, amongst other things, private performances by professional opera singers? No? Well never mind...

Having decided that the company of decrepit old opera bores was definitely the thing for us - not! - we decided to to it all again; only this time on a boat. The company was, to say the least, interesting. But as I have enough material stored up for a small book never mind a short series of witty and amusing articles written in the world famous Dioclese style, more of that later.

We have done the route from Passau to Budapest before but as this was a tour offered by our favourite tour operator to commemorate their 20th year in business and because they gave a good price as regular customers, we thought "Why not?"

Part of the trip was the opportunity to see an opera in the Vienna State Opera House, but I have to say to you that if you want a damn good laugh, then go to their web site and see if you can figure out which seats you are booking. It's impossible to decipher what's what. I suspect that it's one these places where if you don't know already, then you won't find out from them!

The opera in question was Donizetti's Elisir d'Amore. It's an amusing piece but rather short at just under two hours. That works out at about 1.4p a second for a decent seat...

Being me, I downloaded a copy off the web that had Pavarotti singing the role and sat down to watch it over a cup of Nespresso - what else? Anyway, after about 40 minutes I decided that if Pavarotti couldn't lift it, then it probably wasn't worth the 1.4p

Needless to say, the stuffed shirts were quick to tell me the next morning just how wonderful it was and how they couldn't understand how I could possibly pass up on an opportunity to watch this piece of sheer genius in such a magnificent setting.

I simply told them that I'd been there loads of times and found the seats rather uncomfortable...

Nespresso : An aspirational lifestyle

For my birthday, Mrs D. bought me a Nespresso coffee machine.

I was going to a piece about the overwhelmingy pretentious, marketing bollocks they feed you when you buy one of these machines, but frankly I cannot best the piece written by Charlie Brooker in the Grauniad in 2007 which is as true today as it was then.

Here it is reproduced in all it's glory...

Not long ago, I bought a coffee machine. You pop in a cute little metallic coffee pod, push a button and hey presto: you've made an espresso without having to faff around spooning coffee powder into a receptacle and banging it about and getting grit all over the sideboard and shouting like a sailor in a thunderstorm, which is what baristas do. It's made by Nestlé. I'm dimly aware they're supposed to be monstrously evil ... but look, I hadn't made the connection at the time, and besides, I need my coffee, OK? I'm a heartless monster.

Annoyingly, you can't just walk into a shop and buy the special pods. You have to order them online, via an impossibly snooty website full of blah about the "subtle alchemy" of coffee and so on. On handing over your details, you're inducted into a mysterious "club", the consequences of which were lost on me until this week, when a glossy magazine plopped through my door. Turns out that by buying a coffee machine, I'd inadvertently subscribed to a "lifestyle", and this magazine would regularly arrive to congratulate me.
 
I like free magazines because they're hilariously desperate, and the classier they purport to be, the more desperate they are. Nespresso magazine is the most acute example I've ever seen. It's as hateful as Tatler, but with an overbearing and whorish emphasis on coffee pods bunged in for good measure. Let's take a walk through the latest issue. The cover is a black-and-white photo of official "Nespresso ambassador" George Clooney sitting at a table with a couple of coffee pods on it. They're tastefully out of focus, so you don't notice them at first. But they're still there. Inside, there's another huge photo of George balancing four coffee pods on top of each other.
 
The contents page is broken up with little colour photos of coffee pods, and snapshots of the contributors, including "legendary star photographer Michel Comte" (posing pretentiously with his hands on his chin). Best known for snapping superstars, Comte has recently "taken a humanitarian bent" by covering "war-torn locations such as Iraq, Chechnya and Afghanistan". But this week he "joined George Clooney for a coffee and the latest Nespresso campaign". Beneath Comte's photo is a bright blue coffee pod. Next, several pages showcasing the latest Nespresso coffee machines, which are intensely coloured because "intense colours are the rule on the catwalks of the season". Another inspiration is "rock legend David Bowie, whose alter ego Ziggy Stardust defined both glam rock and its look in the 1970s". To underline how fashionable the machines are, they're accompanied by photos of Louis Vuitton shoes, Chanel bags, the Bilbao Guggenheim museum, and some coffee pods.
 
Then, a series of full-page Q&A sessions with five "Nespresso Coffee Experts", each posing with a cup of coffee and spouting bumwash. (Sample: "Q: What elements or setting do you need for your own personal coffee moment or ritual? A: An open mind and sharpened senses".) Coffee pods in this section: nine. Now we've arrived at the George Clooney profile proper. "My parents brought me up to read and to ask questions, and to constantly question authority," he reveals. "Because authority unchecked, without exception, corrupts. Always." Something to contemplate there, while you gaze at more photos of George and the pods.
 
Next, a guide to festive entertaining "dos and don'ts", in which the letter o in the word dos is replaced by a photograph of a coffee pod, upended and shot from above. By now, I'm actively enjoying this relentless pod barrage.
 
Pages 32-37: a piece on the Keralan coastline, accompanied by exotic photos of natives (and coffee pods).
 
Page 38: upmarket ski destinations (and a coffee pod).
 
Page 40: a profile of the mastermind behind Swiss watchmakers Chopard. "A true epicurean, Karl-Friedrich Scheufele's passion drives him to pursue excellence in all aspects of life," reads a caption beside a photo of Karl, his hot wife Christine, and three more coffee pods.
 
Page 42: a feature on milk. Real milk, you understand, not that powdered formula gunk people in the developing world mix with unclean water and bottlefeed to babies, causing diarrhoea and vomiting. For some mad reason, that's not mentioned at all. No pods, either: a double oversight.
 
Page 46-51: Indian recipes inspired "by the flavours of the Nespresso Grand Crus". Coffee pods next to the food and, in one case, balanced on the edge of a plate. Brilliant.
 
Pages 54-59: fashion spread starring a man who looks about 50 and a sexy woman who looks about 25. Cups, machines and Nespresso logos are visible. But boo: no coffee pods.
 
The unexpected pod drought continues throughout a feature on ghastly overpriced crud to put on your coffee table, a guffy peep about yachting, an advert for Chopard watches, and a self-celebratory piece on sustainable farming practices in Costa Rica, the last page of which is suddenly improved immensely - at last - by a minuscule photo of a coffee pod in the lower right-hand corner, serving as a full stop at the end of the article. Finally, the home straight: several pages of chinaware from the Nespresso range, a deluge of coffee pods and an order form. And that's it.

I went back and counted. In total, there were 281 visible coffee pods - 281 tiny bullet-shaped reminders of the bizarre, anxious banality of marketing. On one hand, it's a pointless free mag. On the other, it's the by-product of an entire industry peopled exclusively by desperate, snivelling lunatics. And most damning of all, it's put me off my coffee

Like I said, a brilliant piece that's hard to beat - so I'm not going to try! Thanks, Charlie...

Respect

Today is not a day for levity or for frivolous posts. Today is a solemn day.

Today we choose to remember the men and women of our armed forces who have lost their lives in the service of their country. And it is important to remember also that we choose to remember, and that this is the way it should be.

Although the ceremony inevitably concentrates on the fallen of the two World Wars, let's also remember the more recently fallen - in Iraq and Afghanistan. And whether you agree, or disagree vehemently as I do, with our servicemen's involvement in these conflicts let's not diminish the sacrifices that have been made by people who, it must be remembered, are all volunteers.

Surely a minute of silence is the least we can do for them...

Well, tickle my testicles!

Say hello to Maria Topp, pictured outside Newcastle Crown Court where she has been told that she could face a custodial sentence for the heinous crime of...

...biting off her boyfriends bollocks!

She bit Martin Douglas, her partner of five years, during a drunken brawl at 4am at his flat back in February. After the incident, Mr Douglas needed emergency surgery to reattach his testicles.

Apparently the 45 year old DJ was in excruciating pain when he dialled 999 for assistance. I bet he was! It makes your eyes water just thinking about it...

Gavin Doig, prosecuting, said 'This incident arose on February 18 in which the injured party suffered a number of injuries, particularly a very serious wound to his scrotum.

'The crown's case has always been that was caused by a bite. Until today the defence's contention was it was caused by her hands. Her plea, as I understand, is on the basis she did indeed cause that injury with her teeth. That is an important concession as far as the crown are concerned.

'It is an aggravating feature she used her teeth.' No kidding!

Caroline Goodwin, defending, told the court Topp did accept the injury was caused by a bite - though she does not remember it.

Miss Goodwin added: 'There is no issue in relation to biting. Maria Topp has actually no specific recollection of the action of biting. I say no more about it than that.'

And the judge's reaction? He warned Topp: 'I have no idea what I am going to do with you',

Well, m'lud, I was you I certainly wouldn't go for the blowjob...

Rotten Boroughs : Derby City Council

Derby City Council has come in for a bit of stick for spending £250,000 to revamp it's website at a time when it has just announced that in order to reduce its costs it will be making a further 500 staff redundant.

They did their best, understandably, to keep this quiet until a freedom of information request was lodged. The response from Nick O'Reilly, the council's IT director, was that the investment was good value because it would mean more customers would be able to interact with the authority online.

When asked to justify the expenditure, the official council line was that the budget for the project was approved two years ago - before the general election and before the council was required to make cost savings.

But that just doesn't wash really, does it? You can't justify spending money on the basis that you did it before you were told not to. And, to be honest, a quarter of a million quid does seem rather a lot just to revamp a website.

Nicole Berrisford, branch secretary for trade union Unison, said she had not been aware of the cost of the new website.

She said: "That's quite a lot when we know 500 FTEs (full-time equivalent staff) are going to leave the authority by 31 December."

And from my experience of government IT projects, the thing probably won't work properly, and it'll cost a shed load more money to fix it...

Euroshit.

I wrote to my MP before the EU referendum debate asking his voting intentions. Some time after the debate was over, he sent me this list of why he dislikes Europe.

I'd like to share them with you :

• The EU budget keeps going up while UK spending budgets at home are being cut.
• EU red tape that hurts UK businesses.
• Open borders with the EU that mean the British Parliament cannot control immigration as it would like.
• The way the Common Fisheries Policy has hurt the British fishing industry.
• Food prices are higher in the UK as a result of the Common Agricultural Policy.
• The lack of democratic control of decisions taken by the European Union.
• We joined a common market but the EU has become a political project with too much power in the hands of bureaucrats.
• The EU accounts haven’t been audited properly for many years.
• EU waste and corruption.
• An EU aid budget that often doesn’t reach the poor and hungry.
• The economic problems created by the Eurozone. 
• The sense that Britain plays by the rules and implements EU laws but other EU countries do not.
• EU environmental and renewable energy policies that are leading to higher energy prices.

So naturally, feeling this way as he does, the spineless git voted against a referendum!

49% for you. Fuck all for us!

Britain's FTSE100 company directors have enjoyed a pay rise of almost 50% in the past year - taking their average earnings to almost £2.7m according to a study by Incomes Data Services (IDS).

Steve Tatton of IDS said: "Britain's economy may be struggling to return to pre-recession levels of output, but the same cannot be said of FTSE 100 directors' remuneration. The generous remuneration packages that FTSE 100 directors now receive indicates a marked improvement in boardroom fortunes."

Well, no actually. That improvement is brought about my the fact that there is a comparison being made to the woeful performance of the past few years.

He added : "At a time when employees are experiencing real wage cuts and risk losing their livelihoods, without further explanation it may be difficult for FTSE 100 companies to justify the significant increase in earnings awarded to their directors."

Difficult? No. Impossible? Yes. So why does it happen?..

Well, it's simple really. The FTSE100 companies' major shareholders are all large financial insitutions such as trusts and pension funds. This means that at AGMs the votes of the smaller shareholders count for next to nothing when agreeing directors' renumeration packages. So the people that control these votes are people who are getting big packages themselves.

They are not going to vote down their mates...

TUC general secretary Brendan Barber said: "Boardroom pay rewards are a brazen stitch-up. Reform should start with employee representation on remuneration committees, which would give directors a much-needed sense of reality."

Ed Miliband said: "I think its wrong because what we see is rewards not based on performance, not a something for something culture but a something for nothing culture. We've seen the stock market flat over the last year or so, so not more wealth being created and yet top pay going up by 50%"

Now I happen to think that these two are the dregs of the Earth, so it is quite something that I find myself agreeing with them. Frankly, I would rather stick red hot needles through my eyeballs, but there you have it!

And the government's response? "We recently launched a consultation into company narrative reporting and a discussion paper on executive pay. Proposals being consulted on include how to strengthen the link between pay and performance and provide shareholders with clearer, more relevant information on executive remuneration."

They don't seem to have got the message. Or have they?

Take a look at how many senior members of the government have directorships in FTSE companies...

Poof aid

Just when I was thinking that Cameron has to be turning as corner becasue he can't possibly maintain this level of disappointing stupidity for much longer, he just has to prove me wrong...

At the recent Heads of Government Conference in Australia, he took it upon himself for collar certain nations and inform them that if they want to continue getting aid from Britain, they will need to reform their laws banning homosexuality.

He told Andy Pandy Marr of the Biased Broadcasting Corporation "This is an issue where we are pushing for movement, we are prepared to put some money behind what we believe. But I'm afraid that you can't expect countries to change overnight."

Actually Dave, where does the 'we' come into this? It's not in your manifesto and you have no right to dictate to other countries what laws they should have. And I don't recall anybody asking me.

Some African countries are crying foul calling “a conspiracy from the West to impose its immoral values on Africans”. I think they have a point. The above cartoon from the Ghanaian Chronicle sums their attitude up nicely.

And another thing - why isn’t the UK so quick to turn off the tap on non-democratic regimes? and I’m talking about the ones that claim their democratic when they really aren’t. Why does the UK feel the need to protect gay rights when there are many other injustices?

Could it possibly be because there are so many asylum seekers in this country fighting repatriation on the grounds that they are gay and will be persecuted if they are sent home?

If so, then maybe he's not that stupid after all...

Life without my mobile

The debacle that has hit Blackberry recently has made me reflect on exactly how the current generation are addicted to their mobile phones and just how their lives would be affected if we just took them all away...

Now I am the first to admit that I have a pay as you go mobile which I put a £10 credit on about four years ago. There's still £1.83 on it. I rarely switch it on and have it mainly because I drive a 17 year old car which may just conceivably break down when I am off to the airport on holiday - and missing the flight could be rather an expensive exercise.

I can't actually remember when I last used it to call someone. I wouldn't have bought one in the first place were it not for the fact that I was working in London at the time and my wife got paranoid if I was late home because her ex was once involved in a train crash. I admit I used to piss my self laughing at the people on the train who rang their wives just to say "I'm on the usual train. I'll be home at the usual time." Morons...

I heard on the BBC the other morning about a teenager who was incandescent with rage because his entire life had stopped because his Blackberry wasn't working. No texts, no surfing, no Facebook, no Tweeting....OMG!

And of course phones now have cameras in them, and an MP3 player. So if your phone stops working then all that stops working as well. This means that you can't actually take embarrassing pictures of your mates throwing up at a party, or cut yourself off from reality as you walk in front of a car - although that last thought does have a certain appeal come to think of it!

We are addicted to these bloody things! We have become completely brainwashed by all the marketing shite and hype!

I find it incomprehensible that two people can walk down the road together side by side both talking to other people on their phones. Why don't they just talk to each other? Is it just me that finds it incredibly rude when my friend across the dinner table is texting someone else instead of talking to me? Why can't people switch the bloody things off when they are in the cinema or the theatre or driving down the road?

Sure these things are useful, but if you can't even manage for a single day without your mobile, then you really are a sad little twat.

Cardinals to join St Pauls encampment

Well, maybe not just yet - but if a recent publication from the Vatican is to be believed then it can only be a matter of time...

The Vatican's Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace - a mouthful in itself - has released a pamphlet rather pompously entitled "Towards Reforming the International Financial and Monetary Systems in the Context of a Global Public Authority"
This gloriously entitled document says that the Vatican wants a beefed-up United Nations to police the financial markets and inject a dose of ethics to replace rampant profiteering and reduce inequality.

It goes on to say that in combination with a "central world bank", such an authority would help restore "the primacy of the spiritual and of ethics", as well as "the primacy of politics – which is responsible for the common good – over the economy and finance". Financial transactions would be taxed to promote global development and sustainability, while "virtuous" banks helping out the "real economy" would qualify for state subsidy should they need it.

The document also says the International Monetary Fund is no longer up to the job of stabilising the global financial system.

Call me a cynical bastard, but are they perhaps suggesting that a "virtuously run" Vatican bank would be best for the job?

After all, the Catholic Church is one of the richest organisations on the face of the planet, so naturally they would know all about redistributing wealth to the needy, wouldn't they?..

A toy that does the business!

Now normally about this time of year, I like to take the piss out of Christmas toys by offering a few outrageous or downright silly ideas of my own loosely based on the real thing.

But this year, I am unable to top this offering - a doggy game where you feed the puppy and then win points my gathering it's shit.

No, honestly, it IS real!..

Here's the advertising crap (pun intended) that comes with it :

"Been nagging mum for a puppy? You may change your mind after cleaning up Doggie Doo . It may seem childish but we've got to admit it - games about poop are just plain funny. So expect plenty of giggles as the greedy Doggie Doo pup gobbles up all the treats and poops on the lawn. If it happens on your turn then you better clear it up - the first player to scoop three poops wins! Doggie Doo is a roll the dice game. When it's your turn to feed the pup you get a chance to pump his lead and see if a 'little present' follows. The game will appeal to anyone with a cheeky sense of humour aged four and up . Includes: Doggie Doo dog and lead Four scoopers Plasticine Cookie cutter Dice "

But if you can't run to the £17.99 price tag for this piece of shit, then there's always this :

Yep, it's a dog turd key ring for just 99p

Isn't it amazing that just when you think that society can't sink any lower and bad taste can't get any worse - something like this comes along and drives you into a state of total despair?

And if still think I'm taking the piss, you'll find them both on Amazon...

The Dear Gill Letters (16)

A split is in the air...

OMG I am so devastated at the news this week. It seems that things have not been going too well amongst the boys and there is news that the arguments have got so bad that there's going to be a break up.

I mean it's just awful. Things seemed to be jogging along nicely. I mean I know there have been disagreements about policy and the direction that things should be taking, but we all thought that the cracks could be papered over for the general good - you know, putting the public first before personal ambition, but it seems that things are just too bad in the ranks for it to go any longer after all!

I mean Dave thought that a three line whip would be the answer. You know, put a bit of stick about. Knock the troops into line. Bang their heads together and make them realise that it was all for the common good, you know, to do what management tell them but I guess at the end of the day they thought that things weren't working out and that a split would produce a change for the better.

So now I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what comes of it. I mean, OK you can't have a group that's all leaders and no troops can you? Where everyone thinks he's in charge and it's all chiefs and no indians. I mean I suppose that could never work but the alternative is just too dreadful to contemplate. Everybody doing their own thing can't be a good result. Everything will just descend into anarchy and mediocrity at the end of the day.

It's just terrible news. Too horrible to contemplate! How on Earth am I going to get through the day without Westlife?

"Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?"

The words of Henry II are echoing down the centuries today as yet another Archbishop of Canterbury continues to stick his nose into things that should not concern him...

Faced with a civil war amongst his own clergy about what to do about the protesters outside St Paul's Cathedral, Williams has decided that this is the time to embrace the Papal viewpoint that all financial transactions should be taxed as a way of punishing the greedy and enriching the poor.

This is not a new idea. In July of this year the idea was taken up by President Sarkozy of France and Angela Merkel of Germany at their Paris summit where they proposed that such a tax should be levied across the European Union.

The proposal, which has become official policy of the countries within the euroland area, was widely interpreted as punishing Britain for playing host to financial speculation. Some 70 per cent of financial transactions in Europe are conducted through banks and exchanges based in the City of London.

Needless to say, the government is wholly opposed to such a tax although Cameron has fallen short of saying so by fudging his way out of it by saying that would only work if it was adopted globally - which, of course, he knows will never happen.

Williams does not seem to have a clue on the likely impact of such a tax on Britain. Financial services in the City of London account for 10 per cent of the nation’s total output and hundreds of thousands of jobs.

These would move overseas at a drop of a hat turning the South-East of England – its most prosperous region – into an area as deprived as the North East which has still to recover from the loss of heavy industry.

Not only that, but it would deprive St Paul’s and the Church of England of the donors who keep the cathedral together and the fund management skills which look after its own assets and pension funds and might plunge in value.

It would, in the crude words of football supporters, be an ‘own goal’ which could change the face of Britain.

But the more important issue here is that the church and politics should not be mixed. It is not the place of the unelected head of a failing and rapidly shrinking Anglican Church to dictate policy to the elected government of this land.

He would do well to remember what happened to Becket when he tried it...

Child benefit and population

News this week that the population of the UK is steadily growing towards the much predicted target of 70 million. So what can we do about it?

Well, the simplistic answer of course is to put a halt on immigration, encourage repatriation and stop breeding like it's going out of fashion. I want to talk about the practicalities of the latter...

The government wants to reform the welfare system. One aspect of this is the proposal to lower the age for which child benefits apply from the current 7 years to 5 years. The argument is that this will encourage single mothers in particular to start looking for work two years sooner. But will it?

I don't think so. In fact I believe that it will have the exact opposite effect and will make things worse.

When the welfare state was first invented, the single mother was a rare thing. There was a social stigma to have a child without being in a stable, married relationship. The current system is therefore labouring to keep pace with a phenomenon which its founding fathers could never have envisaged. The social stigma is gone. Nowadays nobody bats an eyelid at bastard children. It has become socially acceptable.

The other night John Humphreys did a program on the BBC about welfare reform. He spoke to single mothers in Liverpool which has twice the national average of single mothers. The first thing that was clear was that many single mothers want to work but see no point because even if they could find the job, then the cost of child care would destroy any financial advantage.

But there were also single mothers who regard the state as having a responsibility for their children. This is a situation made worse by the last Labour government in its much publicised stunt of 'eradicating child poverty'.

Lowering the entitlement age will simply encourage these women to breed more children sooner so that the benefits continue, thus adding to the benefits bill and exacerbating the population growth problem.

What needs to happen is a change in social attitude. Breeding children out of wedlock - for which in this age of readily available contraception there is frankly no excuse - needs to become about as socially acceptable as smoking or letting your dog crap on the pavement...

How to debate in Parliament...

Now regular readers of my modest little column might just have noticed that I am not the greatest fan of the European Union...

But never let it be said that the people of this country are too insular to learn from our European partners. Surely they have something to teach us that we can perhaps use to improve our democratic process?

I can't help reflecting on the debacle last week in Parliament about the EU referendum. This bun fight was after all conducted in a very British way, using threats, innuendo and good old fashioned bullying - all behind closed doors of course!

But take a look at the picture above. This is how they settle arguments in the Italian parliament.

The debate was about the best way to cut debt and stimulate growth befroe Berlisconi went off to the European summit. The brawl broke out over sarcastic remarks made on television by Gianfranco Fini, the leader of the opposition Future and Liberty of Italy party, about the wife of Umberto Bossi, the leader of the devolutionist Northern League, whose support is crucial to the prime minister's political survival.

Mr Fini claimed that Mr Bossi's opposition to a pensions overhaul was linked to the fact that his wife had retired on a generous state pension at the age of 39 from her job as a teacher. Italy's complex and outdated pensions system allows some state employees to retire unusually early.

The remark sparked fisticuffs between MPs from the two opposing parties, with parliamentarians lunging for each other's throats as others rushed to intervene.

Now that's what I call an open and honest debate...

( You can read more in the Telegraph by clicking here )