Time for a change?

As the clocks are put back heralding the coming of winter, I was appalled to hear that our wonderful government has fuck all better to do in these times of economic crisis that to debate what the time is...

Ministers are deciding whether this country should put its clocks forward two hours next spring to GMT+2 and then to maintain winter time at GMT+1

This effectively means that UTC - the standard by which every country in the world decides what the time is relative to its neighbours - effectively ceases to exist as it is also known as Greenwich Mean Time. And the country that set this standard will now longer use it.

More sinisterly, using this time setting means that we will be adopting CET - Central European Time - or, as the Mail on Sunday so aptly labelled it, 'Berlin Time'.

But there is one tiny strand of sanity amongst all this. Aparently, Scotland thinks it's bloody silly idea and so raises the the prospect of us having to reset our watches as we cross the Scottish border. Newcaste will be one hour ahead of Edinburgh.

The Sunday Times thinks that this will signal the start of the break up of the UK. Well, I've got news for them - it's already started!

Perhaps Cameron should scotch this ridiculous idea promptly - especially as it seems rather at odds with all this bullshit he is spouting about repatriating powers from the Fourth Reich?..

RIP Sir Jimmy...

So,

Farwell then

Sir Jimmy Savile

With your shiny suit

bad jewellery

wild hair

and a cigar.

You were one of Britain's

last great eccentrics

And you did a lot of good

Now God has has you

and with a bit of luck

you can fix it for him too!

How's about

that then there?

E.J.Thribb

aged 13¾

Little old ladies

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.


Dear Kirkcaldy High School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at  the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed  away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Isa.

Doesn't that just give you a warm feeling inside?...

(Hat tip to my friend Sue in Devon)

Friday night music

I like a bit of music on a Friday night, so here's one I just got from a pal of mine, hot off the press. Turn up the volume and enjoy...

Bald is the new hair!

I recently received a comment about my article on the Pink List which basically said "What about a bald list - They're a minority too!"

Well, actually they're not. 1 in 4 men are bald by 30 and 66% at 60.

Anyway, my researches did reveal this fascinating web site for the "Brotherhood of Bald People" which includes a great article on "14 Great Reasons to Shave Your Head". Whoa!

Here's just a few of them :

• Wearing a hat doesn't mess my hair up
• Riding a motorcycle without messing my hair up
• Riding rollercoasters and amusement park stuff without messing my hair up
• Going to the beach or the pool without messing my hair up
• Sleeping on long airplane rides without messing my hair up
• Working out in the gym without messing my hair up

OK. I get the picture. So one of the great reasons for not having any hair is that you never mess your hair up?

But there must be more to it than that, mustn't there? Well apparently there is...

"....getting cool nicknames like "Skeletor" and "Captain America"

Wow! I must shave my head immediately, because then...

"I can be more relaxed and my real self comes out more because I am not worried about my hair"

and

"I get to sleep in longer because I save time having to do my hair"

Clearly there is something really deep and spiritual going on here, so where did I put that razor?...

Rotten Boroughs : Wakefield

A woman in Yorkshire has been threatened with a £75,000 fine for putting up 'lost dog' posters.

Nicola Bayston was rather upset when her two Patterdale Terriers, Jess and Bramble, went missing so she had a load of posters printed - around 1,000 in all - and set about posting them up around her home South Hiendley and Barnsley, West Yorks offering a reward for their return.

Unfortunately for Nicola she's now even more upset because some jobsworth at Wakefield Council has decided that she has broken fly-posting laws and will be fined £75 per poster.

She's been given an ultimatum to take them all down by today or face a maximum fine of £75,000.

Glynn Humphries, the council service director said: "While we sympathise with Mr and Mrs Bayston, flyposting is an offence which carries a £75 fixed penalty fine. Though we do permit pictures of missing persons and community events for example.

"Lost or stolen pets is something we don’t permit as the posters are invariably of poor quality and can result in large amounts of litter. It is not an issue of being heartless but if we were to permit all posters of this type we would be inundated with thousands of posters across the district which clearly is not acceptable."

Bah, humbug! Look anywhere across the country and you will see hundreds of posters erected by not only private citizens but by councils themselves with dates on that are months out of date. House site signs are the worst where I live. There's still one out on my main road directing vehices to a development that was finished over four years ago.

Jayne Hayes, of national charity DogLost, summed it up nicely when she said "I wonder how the councillors behind this decision would feel if they were threatened with being fined for putting up posters everywhere when they are trying to get elected."

I expect that's different...

You're a patient. Bugger off!

You might have heard that there is a bit of a row going on at the moment about the removal of patients from GP surgery lists.

Now I can understand that patients can be abusive to surgery staff and GPs, and that as a result they need to be put firmly in their place. I am sure that patients do get short tempered when they are ill and can be somewhat rude on occassions and I am equally sure that when tackled, most of them will apologise for their behaviour. End of...

I can also understand that there are a small number of patients who are just bellicose ill mannered pigs and who need to be shown the door. I believe that most fair minded people will accept that this is also perfectly reasonable. There is no excuse for such behaviour.

But what is going on now is far more callous and insidious - a creeping cancer within the NHS system that needs excising forthwith.

Health authorities are going through records and writing to patients who have not been to see their doctor for a while and asking them to confirm that they wish to remain on their doctor's list. The excuse for this is that patients do move away and not notify their surgery, so it's just checking up.

What is actually happening is that patients are being given totally unreasonable deadlines within which to respond before being removed. Often the first the patient knows is when he or she tries to book an appointment only to be told that he is no longer registered.

So why is this happening?

Well, it's simple really. GP practices are paid by the NHS on the basis of head count so the fewer patients are registered with the practice, the less money the government gives them.

Simple, straightforward cost cutting - presumably thought through by an idiot...

Giving your money away...

So how would you feel if you had spent all your life working to pay off your mortgage, watched your kids fly the nest, and then been told my some idiot that you are a selfish bastard who should downsize because you have more space than you need and other people need it instead?

Personally, I'd tell them to sod off!...

A study has been carried out by a bunch of do-gooder freeloaders called the 'Intergenerational Foundation' that suggests that there should be tax incentives - such as exemption from stamp duty for over 60s - to persuade people to downsize.

Their argument is that half of all properties owned by single pensioners have three spare bedrooms or more at a time when young families are struggling to find affordable housing. They argue that encouraging older people to downsize will free up space for bigger households and help younger people struggling to get on the housing ladder.

Well, this is bollocks if you think about it. So I sell off my five bedroom pile and move into a one bedroomed flat. This releases the bigger house for people to move up the ladder creating space at the bottom. Er....well, no actually.

What happens is that I have now occupied precisely the sort of property that first time buyers have been struggling to buy. Not only that, but I have stimulated demand at the lower end of the property market which pushes up prices and means that first time buyers are even less likely to be able to buy a home.

Cutting through the bullshit, what these twats are really saying is that we should sell up, buy something cheaper and give the money to our kids so they can buy a place of their own. I'd have more respect for these people if they actually just came out and said that in the first place.

Anyway, it ain't going to happen round here! My kids can have all my money just as soon as I am dead and good luck to them, but in the meantime I will enjoy the fruits of my hard earned labour and live just as I choose.

And the people at the bottom of the ladder can do what I had to do - work hard, save up for a deposit and get a mortgage...

The Pink List

OK - I realise that I am going to get pilloried for this article and branded as an homophobic, lezza hating, sexually intolerant, prejudiced, queer bashing twat but frankly I don't give a fuck...

...because anyone who does this is just not capable of understanding what I am trying to say.

Yesterday, the Independent on Sunday published it's pink list for 2011. This is described as "Our annual celebration of the gay and lesbian community"

Well, that's all very well - but why exactly are we celebrating what is, in effective, sexual deviation? Now don't get me wrong; I'm not queer bashing when I say this. It's just that those of us who are normally sexually oriented - by which I mean those of us who prefer our sex in the way that is practiced by the overwhelming majority of men and women on the planet - simply don't understand why it is so wonderful to be different that we need to make a big thing out of it and hold it out as something wonderous?

Here's a first rate comment sent to me by GeorgeSilver :


I seem to have lost my cool this morning after seeing The Independent on Sunday Pink List 2011. I felt an unbearable need to rant in their comments : How about a list for the 'unsung heroes' the middle class, middle age, English white male.

You know the guy that pays most of the taxes. Doesn't mug pensioners. Doesn't want hand-outs. Doesn't break the law. Doesn't stand on the street corner selling drugs. Brings up a family in responsible manner. Doesn't have massive credit card debt and lives within his means. Doesn't have 'parades' that have to be policed.

You know. The guy that lives with a normal woman and maybe a couple of kids. Goes out to work everyday and is expected to tolerate and hand-out money to all the weird groups who never seem to be able to earn their own money. The guy you can count on when there is a problem.........and usually doesn't complain until now.

We seem to have 'lists' for Feminists, blacks, gays, animals, religious fanatics etc. etc. etc.: the list goes on forever. There seem to be any number of 'special' cases all with their hands out for 'grants' from the local council and government

I understand where he's coming from with this. We make so much fuss about being sexually different, but why? I'm quite happy for you to live your life any way you want as long as you extend the same courtesy to me and as long as you don't force me to live the same way you do. We live in sexually liberated times and that's as it should be.

But why this compulsion to ram it down our throats?...

P.S.
Mrs D. and I just went throught the list and she would like to know how she gets a job as an 'Activist' and how much it pays. She thinks she could fit it into her busy life and that it might suit her quite well. Any offers?...

P.P.S.
Have I been here before?

The Monastic Life

As my regular reader and may well have guessed by now, I am not a great admirer of either organised religions or hypocrites, so when you put the two together it is best to stand clear of the steam that tends to vent from my ears.

Such an occasion arose the other day when Mrs D. and I visited in the Centosa di San Laurenzo in Padula.

Now admittedly the two hour coach trip either way to get there likely didn't help - although the excellent lunch we had at a local agrotourismo afterwards mellowed me more than somewhat. When it comes to religious hypocrisy, the Centosa (that's monastery to you and me) seems to epitomise a textbook definition.

It was built by the Carthusian order over a few hundred years starting in 1306.  The Carthusian were a wealthy order and the area around Pakula was mainly marshes, so whilst the locals benefited from the drainage, the order acquired rather a lot of land in the process.

The monastery contains the largest cloister in Europe and one of the largest in the world.  The monks cells are equally palatial.  Forget your 10' x 8' dimly lit room containing a basic wooden bed and a crucifix!

We were shown around cell number four which is one of the smallest.  It comprised a portrait of three room suite of around 1200 ft.², a private garden and a cloistered terrace.  Look at the size of the cloisters in the picture above and then consider that the four sides house just 24 cells.  You get the idea.  The monastery was sufficiently wealthy that Napoleon sacked it and took any wasn't nailed down back home to Paris.

And of course the monks were far too busy praising God to do anything else so the had lots of staff to do it for them.  That's servants you and me.

Now I know you shouldn't apply the values of today to the social order of 500 years ago, but a wise man by the name of Jesus once said "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".

So one can't help wondering where all those monks are these days...

It's a dog's life

I went down to the DHSS the other morning to sign my dog on but the woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit"..

 

I explained to her that my dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

 

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

 

He gets his first payment on Friday.

 

Damn, this is a great country.

Rotten Boroughs : Cambridge County Council

Anger is growing among council workers about a vote to give Cambridgeshire County Councillors a 25 per cent pay rise.

The Unison union picketted the Council’s meeting on Tuesday, which considered spending £165,000 more every year on councillors’ allowances.

Under proposals recommended by an independent panel, the basic allowance would increase from £7,610 to £9,500 – a 25 per cent increase – while special responsibility payments for holding cabinet posts or chairing committees would also increase.

The council leader, Cllr Nick Clarke, would be eligible to claim a package worth £38,000 a year. Cllr Clarke says he wants to “break down barriers” which stop people standing for election.

But Terry Parr, Unison’s county branch secretary, said the timing was wrong. He said: “We do understand the view that if local democracy is to prosper then candidates for council membership need to have different backgrounds and life experiences and remuneration of elected members is one way to achieve that end.

“However, it would appear to be incredibly insensitive to suggest these increases now when local government employees are losing their jobs, having their pay frozen, and probably having to work longer and pay more for a smaller pension.

“To then go on and justify this in recognition of councillors doing more with less is doubly insulting because employees are being expected to do more for less every day.”

I don't often agree with union leaders - especially left wing militants like Unison - but you have to admit they have a point.

Yet another case of one rule for them and another for us...

The Dead Cunt Pool

I am doubly pleased to announce that I am indeed the proud winner of the second 'Dead Cunt Pool' for my nomination of none other than Colonel Gaddafi who finally got what was coming to him earlier today.

I say doubly pleased because not only did I win the pool, but the world is a better place without this particular cunt, the Brotherly Leader and Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Muammar al-Gaddafi.

I would like to strike a serious note by asking you to reflect on the removal of this evil bastard from the planet in the light of the murder of PC Yvonne Fletcher and the victims of Lockerbie not forgetting the thousands he murdered in his own country and across the world.

May he burn in hell as so eloquently suggested here...

Whip the buggers!

When Captain Haddock commented on yesterdays article that he thought I was talking about whipping MPs, little could he have suspected how near the truth he was...

Apparently David Cameron seems to have thought so too - and reckons it's a good idea!

After much rebellion from us common irks ( a.k.a. the voters ) suggesting that he might like to honour his election manifesto promises and his commitment to the coalition agreement with the Limp Dumps, he has been forced to allow a vote in the commons on October 27th about our continued membership of the Fourth Reich.

Now that, of course, is democracy in action. Or is it? Well apparently that won't do for Call Me Dave who has gone back on his previous promise to allow a referendum on the issue by saying that it is 'inappropriate'. As a result he is to impose a three line whip on the issue - so wobetide and Tory MP who dares to vote with his conscience.

This could turn out to be a risky strategy for Cameron. If enough of his party defy the whip then I am sure the Labour party will be quick to call his authority into doubt - and frankly this is what he deserves.

Hang on tho' just a moment! It seems that all the party chiefs are likely to impose similar restrictions forcing their members to vote against the motion, so there seems little possibility of the public getting what it wants.

What is it that these honourable members are so frightened of? If the EU is such a wonderful institution, then surely the public will vote to stay in it. If they want to pull out, then they will vote accordingy. Either way, this is what democracy is all about. This should be a free vote.

Perhaps our leaders should recall what democracy really is before taking us to war to remove regimes that treat their elected representatives and voters in exactly this same way?

But then, the EU is hardly a democratic institution either, is it?...

Whip the bugger!

There's been a hell of a furore over the last week or so after new rules were introduced for how jockeys use the whip.

Since 10th October, the amount of times a jockey's whip can be used during a race will be limitted to seven times in Flat races and eight in races over jumps. A maximum of five strokes can be administered in the last furlong or from the final obstacle.

Now my old dad use to like a bit of a flutter on the horse racing on a Saturday afternoon. There he was with 50p Yankee glued to the tellie. I can still picture the cries of "Whip the bugger!" as his horse came down the final furlong...

I'm not an advocate of cruelty to animals, but it seems to me that there is a simple issue here : either you allow jockeys to whip their mounts or you don't. Simples! And, of course, there is already an existing rule which allows jockeys to be fined for 'excessive use of the whip' so what's the problem?

Well, it's simple really : On one side of the coin are the jockeys who want to be able to gee up their geegee with a bit of not-so-gentle persuasion, and on the other side are the animal rights loonies who want an outright ban. So naturally in an effort to please everybody, we have inevitably ended up with an unworkable compromise that pleases nobody. How very British.

Limiiting the number of times you can strike the horse seems reasonable enough until you try to figure out exactly how this is going to be enforced. Are we going to have a scrutineer on the course with a pair of binoculars following an individual horse and counting the strokes of the whip because, frankly, I can't see exactly how that is going to work in practice. And if not that, then what?

So now the jockeys are threatening to go on strike until this is all sorted out. Frankly, I can't say I blame them. It's all completely unworkable.

And what about all those little old men in front of their tellies shouting 'Whip the bugger!"?...

Getting tough on energy prices

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Is that the sound of energy company bosses quaking in their boots that I hear?

Unfortuntely, I fear not! Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne, has summoned the bosses of the big six piss takers to a summit with Ofgem and consumer groups to discuss whether bills were higher because of lack of competition. Well, no shit Sherlock. Has it occured to you that this is why you only invited six companies to attend the meeting?

"We should be checking to see whether or not we're on the cheapest tariff," Mr Huhne said after the summit. What a cunt! The big six energy companies between them operate over 10,000 tariffs (yes, I did say 10,000) and I know from personal experience that if you feed identical data into four different comparison web sites, you get four different answers. And even the data for the same companies varies. They're not worth the time and energy (no pun intended!).

And in any case, has Huhne not actually noticed that when one company hikes its price, all the other follows suit? It's called 'ringing'.

And now British Gas, Scottish Power and Npower have pledged not to raise prices again this winter. Well, that's fucking big of them in view of the massive increases they have already dumped on us this year. And don't even get me started on the bullshit that is an 'on average' price increase (see my earlier post)!

And then there's the comment from the head of Britain's biggest supplier, British Gas :

"Bills will keep on rising because of the rising cost of gas on the international market. We are importing 50% of the gas that comes into Britain and we are having to compete for sources from the Middle East - Japan is importing huge amounts of gas on ships and that was gas that used to come into the UK market. It is an inconvenient truth that unit prices of energy are going to go up. In my opinion unit prices will only go one way unless someone discovers huge amounts of gas and imports it into the UK: the international price for gas I am afraid is going up"

Well, there is of course that bloody great reserve sitting in the sand under Blackpool that Huhne the Loon wants us to leave alone.

Anyway, here's my 5 point plan for solving the energy price problem :

1. Make it illegal for any energy company to have order than a dozen tariffs,
2. Order a judical enquiry into price ringing by energy companies,
3. Get that fracking gas out of the ground in Blackpool,
4. Give OfGem some teeth to regulate charges and stem excessive profiteering,
   and the most important point of all...
5. Get rid of the cunt that's supposed to be in charge of all this!

Police rapid reaction force

Do you remember the good old days when our police were the envy of the world? Well, this week they proved that they are poised ready to do fuck all at the drop of a hat...

The picture above is a CCTV picture of Colin Riddall stood next to his car outside the gates of a school in Quedgeley, Gloucestershire moment before he abducted a teenage schoolgirl and then gagged and blindfolded her and drove her to a quiet lane where he beat her up and raped her.

Now that's bad enough, but the abduction was witnessed by by an ex-Metropolitan Police officer who called 999 - but police at Gloucestershire Police graded the call a 'Category Two' incident, meaning it only required a response within the next four hours!

The former cooper gave chase and 15 minutes later dialed 999 again giving the car registration number. Despite the fact that this number was recognised as being linked to another case four months previously, Gloucestershire police still did bugger all. The chase was abandoned when the speed became dangerous along country roads, but the fact is that it shouldn't have been up to a private citizen to give chase in the first place.

In the end, the girl was dumped half naked at the side of the road and managed to stumble to a house where she raised the alarm. Only then did the police take action.

The case was referred to the IPCC but that's little consolation to the victim whose mother said "The simple fact is the police should have come out when they got that call - they had a witness saying someone was being attacked in a car. How serious does it have to be before they go and check? Yes, they've admitted they've made mistakes and they've now made some changes, but that's not good enough. I'm disgusted with the whole system, we feel completely and utterly abandoned."

A police spokesman made the rather odd comment that "The control staff were unaware of her age and vulnerability" which suggests to me that if you're going to get raped in Gloucestershire, you'd best not be over 30 or the police aren't interested!

And the police wonder why the public have no faith in them any more...

( You can read the full story by clicking here )

An exercise in futility

If you'll pardon the expression, what in God's name was the Archdruid Williams thinking when he went to tea with Robert Mugabe?

As an exercise in futility and mind-numbing naivety, this is right up there with the best of them. The way it was presented, Williams met with the marxist dictator to express his outrage at the treatment of Christians in the country - which in itself leads one to question just why he thought Mugabe would give a toss? But was this all it was about?

Apparently not. The problem seems to be that Williams is the head of the Anglican church in Zimbabwe, but has been ousted locally by a 'rebel' cleric, Nolbert Kunonga the former bishop of Harare, who has taken possession of the cathedral in Harare and decides who is fit to worship there and who isn't. Because of this, Williams was denied access to his own cathedral and was forced instead to address his flock in a sports stadium instead.

As the Daily Mail asks in it's article on the subject : "The cathedral in Harare is part of the Anglican Communion, of which Dr Williams is head. He should have followed Jesus’ example, stridden into that cathedral in full Archiepiscopal attire and commanded the renegade cleric and his lackeys to get out."

Although at this point it is worth reflecting that it was Williams who dismissed the so-called 'renegade' in the first place, so you could hardly expect him to be especially well recieved and, of course, his faith might have been tested to the point of martyrdom and that would never do...

So, moving on to his pointless meeting with Mugabe, he apparently produced a dossier alledging that :

Zimbabwean bishops had received death threats by phone, in person and at gun point

Access to to churches, schools, clinics and mission stations had been denied

Police had tear-gassed and beaten congregations

An Anglican Church member had been murdered after refusing to join Dr Kunonga's Church

Clinics had been told they could not accept donated drugs - leading to deaths when drugs were rejected

Priests had been evicted from their rectories

Apparently, Mr Mugabe claimed that he was not "entirely familiar" with these alledged abuses and, of course, we have no reason to doubt his word.

To me, all that seems to have been achieved is that Williams has given a posturing dictator a chance for a bit more international exposure.

Well done, Rowan. Remind me again when are you quitting...

You lost. Get over it!

♫ There'll be a sobbing in the hillsides

There'll be crying in the vales

There'll be a Welsh team ripe for lynching

When they come home again to Wales... ♫

Farewell then, Steve Jobs

So

Farewell then

Steve Jobs.

You gave the world the iMac

And the iPhone

And the iPad

And the iPod

But now your iCamel

Has passed through the i

Of a needle

And God will get

A shiny new iThrone

Soon everyone in heaven will be wearing

White plastic earphones

And ignoring each other

Just like down here.

Frankly,

iDon't care...

E.J.Thribb

aged 13¾

Fox resignation speech in full :

Rotten Boroughs : Southwark

Southwark Council has been forced to write off £69,720 that it gave 'in error' to a defunct drug and alcohol charity.

The grant was given to the Federation of Black and Asian Drug and Alcohol Workers in 2004 despite the fact that the charity had not filed accounts with the Charity Commisioners since 2002.

When the error was identified in April 2005 - better late than never - the council began the recovery process but attempts to recover the money were unsuccessful because of "changes of address and the failure of the organisation to respond to communications and invitations to meetings", according to a council report.

A review was conducted by the police on behalf of the Council, but they concluded that "it would require a substantial amount of police time" and that "the total cost of investigation and prosecution could exceed the value of the debt, with little prospect of recovering the monies. It is also considered that the Crown Prosecution Service would not view this case as meeting their prosecution criteria."

The debt is more than six years old and therefore cannot be recovered because of rules in the Limitation Act 1980, according to the council.

Dora Dixon-Fyle, Southwark’s cabinet member for health and adult social care, said: "Lessons have been learnt by the department and a new method of payment has been implemented to ensure the risk of this happening again is minimal."

So yet again we have a typical public sector cock-up in which no-one is held accountable because it is the system that is at fault, not the individual...

Life in the Palazzo

As I am writing this, it is 28° C., sky is blue and life is very comfortable.

We are reclining on our terrace taking in the sea air and recovering from an excellent lunch in a local restaurant.

The Palazzo Belmonte in Santa Maria di Castalabata is a unique place.  Set in five acres of gardens on the edge of the sea, it is still the private residence of the Prince di Belmonte and part of it is now open to paying guests.  Last year Trevor McDonald visited for his "Secret Mediterranean" series, and when we saw it advertised by our favourite tour company we thought "Why the hell not? You're a long time dead!"

It's a stunning place.  We have a suite in the oldest part.  The bedroom is large enough to play a five aside football match, the sitting room is as big as most hotel rooms, we have two bathrooms and a roof terrace with a huge umbrella, two sunbeds, a table and a couple of comfy chairs.  It's so big we have four separate air conditions and a fan to keep it cool.

As part of the package we are being treated to four recitals by professional opera singers in the old courtyard which has surprisingly good acoustics as well as a special atmosphere all of its own.

Service could best be described as "idiosyncratic". You get the impression that the staff try hard and have not been especially well trained.  When they are busy they forget things and frankly - as you might expect from a load of old geriatrics on an opera tour- some of the guests are even worse.

The 'decrepits', as Mrs D. has labelled the worst offenders, tend to complain a lot about not a lot and are even more forgetful than the staff so we try to make allowances.

We like the place but it did hit a bit of a low spot earlier today when the lock on the ladies loo decided to go "idiosyncratic" and not let Mrs D. out.

She was not amused...

Poverty and left wing loonies

You know, just every once in a while I come across some left wing loony spouting complete and utter bollocks and the steam starts to pour out of my ears. Yesterday was just one such occasion.

The well know bunch of lefties at the Institute for Fiscal Studies published a report on child poverty. They reckon that there are currently one in five children in this country living below the poverty line and that this is rapidly rising to one in four.

On the BBC news, an 'expert' from the IFS was droning on about how the last wonderful New Labour government - you remember; the one that dropped us all in this crock of shit in the first place - was tackling this important issue and that now the wicked coalition was in power they were undoing all Labour's great work by cutting expenditure too quickly. What a cunt!

If that wasn't bad enough, he went on and on about the poor cheeeeldren who get bullied at school because they have to wear their older siblings second hand clothes, and how middle class families were going to be about £2,000 a year worse off by the end of 2014, and how 400,000 more cheeeeldren will be in 'relative' poverty by the end of 2014.

Well, this is all bollocks, isn't it?

Poverty is not when you can't afford to put petrol in your car. Poverty is when you can't afford to buy one in the frst place.

Poverty is not about having to prune your shopping budget. Poverty is when you can't afford to eat.

Poverty is not about your children wearing hand me downs. Poverty is when they have no shoes on their feet.

Poverty is not about when you have to cut down on cigarettes, beer, eating out and holidays. Poverty is about when you can't afford them at all.

The poverty line in this country is defined as when the income of a family with one child AFTER tax and National Insurance falls below around £15,000 per annum. Given that the minimum wage is £230 a week  my message to these people is that two full time working people can't earn less than £23,000 per annum so one of you needs to get off your arse and go to work to support your kids.

And here's another message for you : Don't have kids unless you can afford to support them in the first place.

And while we're bleating on about the poor squeezed litle middle Englanders, let's remember that these are the people who were given a massive income hike when the interest rates were cut on their mortgages.

Never mind the families who are going to be £2,000 a year worse off. Let's spare a thought for the older generation who can't afford heating bills. The ones who have saved all their lives so they could have a comfortable retirement and find their pension funds decimated and the income from their savings slashed.

Child poverty, my arse!...

Euroshit

As my regular reader will know, Mrs D and I like to travel around a bit so when I heard that the shit is hitting the Euro fan in Italy now, I thought it only fair to my readers to investigate in person and report back.

We have just spent a few days in a 16th century Palazzo on the Amalfi coast gathering facts from the terrace of our sea view suite.  It's a hard job, but someone has to do it!

Like Greece, the first thing you notice is that everything has gone up in price.  The second thing you notice is that unlike the old days, the competition amongst the shops is more cutthroat and that the days of everyone charging the same well and truly gone.  All this, of course, makes it much easier to fleece the incautious tourist.

The other morning we went shopping for a bottle of wine.  Yeah, OK,  we could just drink what was at the hotel but I reckon why pay €25 a bottle for stuff that you can get in town for €5?  After all, there is a frdige in the room so what's the big deal?  But even then you have to shop around because in one shop a bottle of Asti was €5.50 whereas in the window up the road identical bottle was labelled at €10.  Admittedly, it's €20 in the local restaurants, but you expect that wherever you go.

But what really confuses me is the exchange rate.  If the Eurozone is going so it tits up everywhere and frankly by comparison we are not doing so badly, then why can I only get €1.04 for my one pound sterling?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.

Oh, hang on mo - when I sell them back I need €1.30 to get £1.  So here we go again - the stupid Brits being fleeced by the greedy banks.

In this ever-changing world, there are some things that will never change...

EU transaction tax? No thanks!

The Fourth Reich is at it again!

They've had this great idea about how to get us to pay loads of money to support a monetary system that we are not even part of. It's called a 'financial transaction tax'.

The idea is that in order to support all the failing European banks, we should have a tax on all financial transactions paid into a fund that then used to bail out any future ailing banks. On the face of it, this is not totally unreasonable - although it is probably unworkable. Like most EU plans, really...

Britain opposes this plan because it is a major financial centre and would be hit hard by such a tax. Banks might be bastards, but they are not stupid bastards. They know they can work around this tax by simply wrapping up their transactions in such a way as they appear to be happening in places where the tax doesn't apply.

Also, I cannot see a reason why our taxes should be used to support the failing Euro. Needless to say the Germans and French think it's a great idea. After all, it all helps to cripple the old enemy - Britain - and progresses their master plan for the domination of Europe.

One voice of common sense comes from Belgium who quite rightly suggest that this doesn't really apply to all 27 EU member states, so perhaps it should only apply to the Euro zone. On the face of it, it does seem more sensible, but then again this means that the EU won't be able to increase our budget contribution by the back door.

So if this does all come to pass, I wonder if "Call me Dave" will let us have a vote on it? You know, like the one he promised to let us have on staying in the EU if he won the election...

I'm not holding my breath...

If God did not exist...

Someone once said that if God did not exist then it woud be necessary to invent him.

Now as one who argues that that is exactly what we did, I would like to offer a revised version  : If God did not exist, we would have to find other excuses to kill each other...

The so-called Arab Spring revolutions have brought a whole new complexity to the Middle East. If the undemocratic governments of the Arab world that have been swept aside should turn out to be replaced with democratically elected hard line Islamic governments, then the future peace of the entire region - if not the entire world - could be at risk.

And or those of you who think this won't happen, I need only point at the current democratically elected representatives of the Gaza strip.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Palestine applied to the UN for recognition as a country and for membership. It was vetoed by the US who have long been seen to be friends of Isreal, no matter how hard the current administration tries to distance itself.

Personally, I would recognise Palestine as a new country on the West Bank - land so generously given to them by Jordan. Provided they recognise the state of Isreal in return.

As regards the issue of who owns Jerusalem, why not take it off both sides and make it an autonomous region of the UN ruled by a council with representatives from all sides as well as independent parties?

The alternative is unthinkable - a new six day war to drive the Isrealis into the sea. A war which could easily end up with the deployment of those nuclear weapons which Isreal doesn't, of course, possess...

Government health warnings...

At last, a government health warning that actually makes sense!

Memory lane

If you have ever thought about writing your memoirs and perhaps joining a group of like minded people to support and motivate you, then you might enjoy this Jake Thackray style song by my old mate Chas...

Smokey, chokey...

I thought this Oslo bus should appeal to my good friend Leg Iron?

The Dear Gill Letters (15)

Conference time...

Busy week, darling, so won't waffle on too long - well, not so long as the speakers at the conference, eh?

To be honest, I'm a bit off Dave at the moment. I was looking forward to him doing a bit of babysitting while we swanned off to enjoy all those fashion week freebies. But no. What does he do? Buggers off to the States to play the great international statesman and get in a bit of basketball practice with Barack.

Apparently, the great black hope is coming up to re-election time and Dave thought that a good old bit of British solidarity / special relationship stuff might help to boost his chances. Thank heaven we don't do it like they do over hear. No sooner is one election over than they're campaigning for the next one. Anyhow, Dave says we've just broken this one in and we don't want to have to train another President if we don't have to!

Anyhow, before he went I persuaded him to throw a reception at number 10 for all the fashion bigwigs. Cynical sod said I was doing it just to get a few free frocks! I mean, what a suggestion! As if I would! I enjoyed it and Florrie did her bit to speed things along as well.

We had that dreadful harrigan from Vogue here snobbing it about and trying to show me up when who turns up but Dave, Florrie in hand. It's not often you see a fashionista upstaged by a 13 month old! It was lovely. Apparently she never stays at any do more than 20 minutes, but Florrie got rid of her in 15. Game set and match to the MiniCams.

So I got a bit of peace and quiet while Dave was gone which has to be better than listening to him banging on about the LibDem conference - didn't Cleggie do well, by the way? - and thankfully he's been trying to ignore the Milibland and Ballsie double act at Liverpool. Dave reckons that if he listens too much to them he might throw the remote at the telly, or even worse fall about in fits of laughter and do himself a mischief.

So this week we're in Manchester for our bash - you know I really preferred Brighton. It's so much more happening than Manchester. Here it's all football and beer and the place is full of such common people. Not like Brighton at all. I shall be parading round in my posh frock looking all loyal and devoted and admiring and proud - and anything else the PR department can think to throw in. It's all so Ed Balls, isn't it but we have to go through it.

Dave's apparently going to be banging on about Milibland's 52 weeks of weakness or some such soundbite. Personally, I shall be taking in the spa and bar. Nothing quite like a bottle of Bollie in the jacuzzi, I always say. With a bit of luck it'll all be over by the time you get this letter.

Better go. The country needs me...

Rotton Boroughs : Waltham Forest

Waltham Forest Borough Council believes in green initiates and recycling. It prides itself on delivering value for money to it's ratepayers...

So it's rather difficult to understand why they spent £15,000 prosecuting a shopkeeper for recycling cardboard boxes by giving them free of charge to a passer by.

In a case described by the judge as "a monumental waste of  public time and money", Linda Bracey was prosecuted by the Council under the direction of Cllr Clyde Loake for "illegally disposing of business waste." The action was brought after one of the boxes bearing the comany's name was found on an illegal fly tipping site.

Calling for "an outbreak of common sense", Judge Alex Milne asquitted the company, telling the jury
"Were the cardboard boxes in question waste? Packaging such as boxes received by a company like Electro Signs is not waste when it is delivered to the company. Nor do boxes become waste as soon as the contents are removed. 

If a company chooses to keep and re-use boxes, they remain the property of the company and an asset. If the company keeps boxes for its own use but then chooses to give or sell boxes to another party that is not discarding them."

Mrs Bracey simply described the situation as "mad" and it is hard to disagree...

It's not the first time Cllr Loakes has been in the news. On 2010 he stood down from the Labour leadership in Waltham to stand as an MP, only to find out that the electorate didn't want him. He claims to champion green issues and yet builds over cycle lanes in Leytonstone. In 2010, there was some controversy about the awarding of a £2.5m recycling contract to ECT thus contravening EU procurement laws. Something they then sought to cover up (See Private Eye issue 1254).

Some of Loakes other questionably bright green ideas include fining drivers £2,500 if a passenger throws itter out of the window (bus and taxi drivers take note) and banning fast food outlets within 400 metres of a school. For more interesting little snippets on Loakes activities see this interesting local blog.

Strikes me as a typical useless local councillor with delusions of grandeur - but that just my personal opinion, you understand...

When is a default not a default?

Answer : When you write off half of the debt so that the borrower only pays half of it back!

As I have written before in this blog, the Greeks are canny buggers and the masters when it comes to brinksmanship. They know damn well that the other Euro zone conties can't afford to let them go bankrupt, so all they have to do is keep presenting reasons why they can't cough up and they know someone somewhere will come up with a workround - or fudge as we used to call it!

Apparently the Greek Prime Minister reckons that his country has 'great potential'  and can see the way beyond it's deep financial crisis. Well, yes. So can I. It's called screw as much money as you can out of the Germans. After all, I know quite a few Greeks who still reckon they should still be paying for the last war...

Mr Papandreou added: 'I can guarantee that Greece will live up to all its commitments.' He promised that Greeks will 'fight our way back to growth and prosperity' and warned against heaping 'only punishment and scorn' on his compatriots. Punishment and scorn? Shurely not...

So the plan is to 'inject further capital investment' into Greece to encourage recovery and growth - or in other words give them more money that they can't pay back. At the same time, in order to avoid a Greek default half of the outstanding debt will be written off.

If Greece was a British individual, this would be the equivalent of coming to a voluntary arrange with creditors in order to avoind declaring bankruptcy.

Dress it up any way you like, it's still a default...

The common era

Word this week that the BBC would like to adopt the phrase 'common era' as a replacement for the nationally accepted 'A.D.'

Let's look at the origins of this classic piece of politically correct bullshit...

The expression "Common Era" can be found as early as 1708 in English and traced back to Latin usage among European Christians to 1615, as vulgaris aerae, and to 1635 in English as Vulgar Era. At those times, the expressions were all used interchangeably with "Christian Era", and "vulgar" meant "not regal" rather than "crudely indecent".

Use of the CE abbreviation was introduced by Jewish academics in the mid-19th century. Dates before the year 1 CE are indicated by the usage of BCE, short for "Before the Common Era".

The "Common Era" (CE/BCE) notation has been adopted by numerous authors and publishers wishing to be "neutral" or "sensitive to non-Christians" because it does not explicitly make use of religious titles for Jesus, such as "Christ" and Dominus ("Lord"), which are used in the BC/AD notation, nor does it give implicit expression to the Christian creed that Jesus was the Christ.

So it would appear it's nothing new and it baffles me as to why the BBC should be bothering with it at this late stage.

It's time that it was accepted that the UK is a Christian country and that whilst it is tolerant and relaxed about the religious views of it's citizens, it should not apologise for being Christian.

For the BBC to be even considering this change indicates to me that it is clearly employing idiots with nothing worthwhile to contribute and therefore blatently wasting its license payers' money as well as holding itself out to be a laughing stock...

Eco friendly buses...

At last, a bus that even Chris Huhne would be proud of...