The pound in your pocket...

Much guff is being talked at the moment about how we should get the economy going again, not least of all the hot air being generated at Liverpool by the Labour party conference.

I wrote the other day about Labour's unfunded VAT cut proposals, but I think that there just might be another way of approaching this. The need is to put money back in peoples' pockets so they have more to spend. This needs to be done across the board and I think I have a cunning plan...

Let's zero rate the VAT on gas and electricity.

Now I know you're going to say that this contrvenes EU rules and that we're not allowed to reclassify these things once they've been defined, but I think we could perhaps take a leaf out of France's book on this one. Let's just take no notice and do it anyway!

There's been a lot of bitching about the increased costs of utility bills so ths would be nice bit of a double whammy for Joe Public and let's not forget that it would boost business as well. It's not just private individuals that use power.

And to a large extent it's self funding and increased profits mean increased corporation tax - and that's at a considerably higher percentage that VAT.

Problem solved. Simples..

Tuition fees

I listened in amazement on Sunday as Milibland was talking to Andrew Marr on the Biased Broadcasting Corporation. Actually, it was double amazement because well known lefty Marr was actually having a go at him and that really is something you don't see very often...

I have come to the conclusion that Milibland thinks we are all thick, and that students are thicker than most.

When considering the emotive subject of tuition fees it is easy to forget that it was the Labour government that introduced them in the first place. Admittedly it was this government that raised the bar as to the maximum that universities were allowed to charge, but let's remember that this is a maximum not a set amount.

Now Milibland says he wants to reduce that maximum to £6,000 and suggests that this is paid for by a higher income tax rate for the highest paid graduates. I did note that he would not commit himself to putting this in the 2015 election manifesto.

I am confused as to how exactly this would work. Are we saying that you will have to declare on your tax return - which not everyone fills in, of course - whether you have a degree? Will people who already have degrees be forced to pay? And which degrees count and which don't? Will a graduate with a Desmond pay less than one with a Geoff Hurst?

Anyway, in the unlikely even that this complete load of rubbish is ever introduced - which of course it won't be - it effectively means that instead of borrowing a finite amount of money and repaying it out of tax when you start earning decent money, you will be paying an infinite amount of money out of your income tax for the rest of your working life.

So under the Labour scheme you will pay back a hell of a lot more than you ever would under the Coalition plans.

And you're not even paying for your own university education - you're actually paying for someone else.

If you fall for this one, then you might be educated but you're clearly not very bright...

Reducing VAT

It seems that the Labour party is all out of ideas as to how to solve the economic crisis that we're in at the moment, so all we are hearing from 'iTalk' Balls is how we need to cut VAT to get the economy moving.

Trouble is that Balls and Milibland seem to have short term memory problems when it comes to this approach because they seem to have forgotten that they tried it once before when VAT was cut temporarily from 17.5% to 15%. It didn't work then, but he seems to be convinced that it will work now and I can't figure out quite why?

Balls believes that cutting VAT from 20% back to 17.5% will give the UK economy a real boost. He likes to point out - in carefuly chosen words - that when Labour cut VAT it resulted in the deficit "coming in £21 billion lower than expected"

Note that Balls did not say that that's £21 billion lower than the enormous increase that they miscalculated in the first place. Also note that Balls has not given us any indication as to how this tax cut would be funded. Perhaps an increase in landing fees for flying pigs, or a license fee for shooting pie in the sky?...

It seems to me that Labour has learnt nothing much from its 13 years in power and in particular for the disastrous years of the Brown government. You can't spend your way of a recession and you can't make tax cuts without rasing the money from somewhere else or by cutting spending.

Either Mr Balls has something quietly tucked away up his sleeve, or he simply can't add up...

...or maybe he just realises that when you're in opposition you can promiss anything you like - because you know you don't have to deliver it.

Talking Balls...

Let's be quite honest about this - nobody talks bollocks quite like the inimitable Ed Balls as what follows clearly proves...

And not just bollocks, but two faced bollocks

This video is brought to you on EyeTube - the one true uncensored video hosting site - mainly because I would fully expect YouTube to ban it like several other of my offerings.

"U-turn if you want to..."

Margaret Thatcher once coined the now famous phrase "U-Turn? You turn if you want to - the lady's not for turnng!" but perhaps Ed Miliband should rephrase that as "U-Turn? I'll turn if you want me too. It that far enough?"

As the labour conference kicks of in Scouseville, it seems that not only are the knives coming out ready to stick in his back, but the rank and file are opening doubting whether he has the qualities to make a credible Prime Minister. The voters can't see it, and that worries the delegates.

Also when contenders like Ed Balls say that they don't want his job 'because there isn't a vacancy', then you know he's after it really and he can see a glimmer of a chance...

Miliband has already done a u-turn on tuition fees by watering down his outright opposition to a policy he helped to introduce when in government to a reduction instead of a reversal. Now it seems he knows where his master's voice is coming from and is watering down his opposition to the public sector strikes over pensions.

After being booed and jeered at the TUC by saying he wouldn't support strike action over pensions whilst negotiations were on-going, he now says that the party should support nation crippling strikes of the government continues to appear 'unreasonable'.

Miliband has also had to do a u-turn over his plans to break the unions' grip on party policy with the use of the infamous block vote. That now won't be debated until next year.

So having proudly pronounced when he won the leadership that he was 'his own man' and wouldn't dance to the unions' tune, it would seem that he is now doing precisely that.

Are we really surprised?

Seig Hindu!

I do like a good religious story on a Sunday, and this is a good religious story!

As my reguar reader will know, I think that if there is a God then he must be having a good laugh at the way we carry on, so I hope enjoys this one. In Australia - it had to be Oz really, didn't it? - the Melbourne Fesival is planning to stage a play called "Ganesh versus the Third Reich" in which the Hindu god and Adolf Hitler go head to head over who gets the right to use the swastika.

At this point we should explain that the swastika is an ancient Hindu symbol of goodwill...

Producers say the play was the result of painstaking research and that every effort has been made to ensure that it is respectful of Ganesh and the Hindu culture. Yeah, right!

There does seem to be a certain tension between India and Oz at the moment which this is clearly going to do nothing to alleviate. In May, an Australian swimwear designer sparked protests in India by placing an image of the goddess Lakshmi onto a range of skimpy bikinis.

Then in August a Sydney radio talk show host upset Indians by calling the country a "shithole" and likening the holy river Ganges to a junkyard.

I've been there and it's hard to disagree, but I think this play might just be a little bit over the top even for me!

( You can read more about this in the Telegraph by clicking here )

Smoking and Health

I look at it this way...

Either ban them altogether or get the fuck off my back with your stupid warnings!

A well rounded result?

Number 44

Number 51

Number 56

So it's official, then - this is a non-aligned, right wing libertarian blog!

To be fair, I do always try to present a well rounded selection of content. And, of course, it's always nice to get a readers' award for your efforts - especially when you didn't canvas any votes - so thank you everyone who voted for me, I'm glad you are enjoying what I do.

Given these results, it's a little confusing to work out why I didn't make the top 300 overall, but there you go. I did at least manage to outgrim the Reaper, outpoint Leg Iron and outrant the Penguin in the libertarian section.

I also seem to be more right wing than Nigel Farage and more non-aligned than Captain Ranty!

I guess the message is that it's nice to be appreciated and even nicer to find myself in amongst the company of bloggers that I respect

I can't wait to see where I come personally in the 'bloggers' section of the poll if Total Bollocktics ever sort out the horlicks that they seem to have currently made of their results page...

Thanks again!

Dale Farm to Luton

If you - like me - wondered where those pykies had gone who buggered off from Dale Farm before the fighting starts, then now we know. They're in Luton.

Around 20 caravans from the illegal site in Basildon, Essex have pitched up at Stockwood Park in Bedfordshire where they are starting another illegal site!

One ex-Dale Farm 'traveller' who has now parked up in Luton siad he was expecting more of his ilk to arrive shortly.

He told the Sun newspaper: “I moved to Luton rather than wait for the bailiffs because my health was suffering. My son and daughter were already in schools in Essex. Then we had to move and lose it all. The word has now spread back to Dale Farm. There’ll be 30 or 40 more caravans coming from Dale Farm. We have nowhere else to go.”

That may his claim, but there are rumours circulating that many of these so called 'travellers' own property back in their native Ireland.

A spokesman for Luton Borough Council said: “The council was made aware of the encampment and immediately started the standard legal procedure for eviction. We expect to move them on very soon.”

Let's hope they get on with it a damn site quicker than their counterparts in Essex...

Going by air costs money...

Shock! Horror! Apparently, air travel is expensive!

Well I never... The penny has finally dropped that if you want to get somewhere quickly, then it will cost money to do it in an airplane. And apparently, it's all George Osbourne's fault.

A cross party group of 20 MPs has apparently written to Osbourne urging him to abandon proposed double inflation rate increases in air passenger duty because it will stop "ordinary people from flying" so that only rich people will be able to afford it.

Well, wake up and smell the coffee! Air travel is expensive. Have we all become so accustomed to Ryanair and Queasyjet that we have forgotten that reality? It would seem so...

Apparently this duty costs a family of four around £240 extra for a transatlantic flight - of course, it sounds much more if you multiply it by four, doesn't it? Let's look at that dispassionately. That's £60 a head in tax for a transatlantic flight. Let's be honest, here. That's sod all compared to the total fare isn't it?

And in Europe, it cost the same family of four £50 - or £12.50 each. I mean, that's really going to make Dad cancel his annual holiday isn't. I know budgets are tight, but they're not that bloody tight!

The MPs have also pointed out that our air passenger duty is eight-and-a-half times more than that anywhere else in Europe - but then eight-and-a-half times very little is still not an awful lot, is it?

I fly a lot and I do it because I like to travel, not because I do it on business. It's a totally discretionary luxury for me. But is an extra £50 in tax going to stop me? No of course it isn't. And frankly it isn't going to stop anyone else either.

And I don't believe anyone who says it will...

Down on the farm...

Frankly, this is close to becoming my piss-boiler of the century nomination. What the fuck are they pissing about with down in Basildon?!?

For ten years they've been buggering around with these pykies that are sticking two fingers up to the planning laws. Ten fucking years, for Christ's sake! I'm a simple soul, but please somebody explain to me how someone who has been sat on their arse in one place for ten years can by any stretch of the imagination be described as a 'traveller'?!?

At 8 o'clock this morning on the BBC I watched rows of police vans parked outside this site waiting for something to happen. When I came back in at lunchtime and switched on the BBC news channel, I expected to see scenes of bailiffs and police finally taking action. But no. They were still sitting on their hands and doing bugger all.

Then this evening I hear that there has been a High Court injunction preventing further action until Friday. Well, lads, if you had bloody well got on with it at 8 o'clock this morning, it would have been all over by now bar the shouting.

Weeks ago, Basildon Council were given the legal go ahead to get rid of this scum - so what did they do? They gave then a few weeks notice to quit. FFS, just get on with it, you useless bastards! Now look at what you've gotten yourselves into - and you've only yourselves to blame!

At least some of these people had the common sense to bugger off and acknowledge they were beaten, Full credit to them. But now we have a site where the so-called activist Swampy-clones and celebrity do-gooders like Vanessa bloody Redgrave are digging in for a good old fashioned ding-dong with authority. These people are anarchistic trouble makers, so just get the water cannon out and wash them aside like the trash they are.

And when you've finally got rid of this lot, perhaps the ratepayers of Basildon should set about clearing out the Council officials who have handled this whole affair with such staggering incompetence and ineptitude...

The Dear Gill Letters (14)

Oh for a good night out...

Darling, I'm so sorry that I've not written for a while, but you know it's just not easy being the first lady of Britain! You just long for a good night out!

And I actually got one! Whooaaaahh! Vogue gave me chance to unwind a bit with a few other celebs. Alright, I know it's a bit of a shopathon before the new collections hit the catwalk, but it does you good to have a fling sometimes. And the most wonderful thing is that I can now get all the latest gear and not even have to pay for it. They want me to be seen in their clobber. Little old me! Can you imagine it??

Asprey's was lovely - all free bubbly and bubbly celebs. And let's face it, where do you get to have a night out where you can shop and drink at the same time? Works for me!

Anyway, they had to do something after that ridiculous 'walk a mile' charity claptrap I got roped into the other day. I mean come on - I walk a mile for charity. A whole mile. Bloody Walliams - can't stand the little faggot myself - swims the length of the Thames and I get to walk a mile.

I said to Dave, this is claptrap, Dave, I said and he just said "Well if it's only a mile, why don't you do it in six inch heels or something if it's so easy?!" Well to be honest I nearly threw our best Waterford Crystal fruitbowl at him, but of couse we forgot the golden rule which is never say these things in front of a Number 10 press officer! She thought it was a great idea so next thing you know there I am tottering down the street in the most ludiscrous shoes you ever saw. Looking like a tart and feeling like a pudding!

But what about old Cherie Slotgob, eh? Got her comeuppance from the appeal court I gather for not being tough enough on the bench. Well, a 12 month suspended for drug smuggling, I ask you. What's the matter with the woman? Has being married to Tony all these years finally destroyed what little was left of her marbles. Mind you, sometimes it's bad enough being married to Dave, so I can't imagine what it like having put up with Tony.

Anyway, darling, it's London Fashion Week and I've a whole load of freebies! You bring the bubbly and I'll bring the tickets. See you there,

Bye bye, Rowan

Apparently, he's orf - although sources will 'neither confirm nor deny the rumours' that Rowan Williams will step down next year after the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and after seeing through new rules to allow women to become bishops.

Whilst I personally don't think that he is any great loss, there is a lot to be said for an Archbishop who doesn't rock the boat too much and as far as I can see, Williams has fulfilled that function very well.

Although he is not due to retire for another ten years, Trinity College Cambridge - where he studied theology and was a chaplain - are reported to be creating a lucrative professorship for him. Given the choice of the two roles, I know which one I would go for.

After presiding over reportedly one of the most turbulent periods in the Church's history, the archbishop has told friends he would like to give his successor adequate time to prepare for the next Lambeth Conference – the summit of Anglican bishops held once every decade.

He is even said to have considered quitting following the last conference in 2008, which was mired by boycotts, rows over homosexual clergy and challenges to the Archbishop of Canterbury's authority.

Although I have no particular liking for the man, I wish him well and I wonder exactly what sort of person will replace him? The jostling and posturing is already starting. There is speculation that the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, will succeed him - at least in a caretaker role.

The first black Archbishop of Canterbury - how wonderfully politically correct...

Lookalikes - Ian Hislop

Hislop                                                              Baby

Everything comes to he who waits!

As you will see from the flash in the right hand margin of this blog, I have been known to have words with the well known editor of Private Eye about certain filchings from this blog which have mysteriously appeared in his esteemed organ - not that he has ever had the courtesy to reply to any of my messages...

How delighted I am therefore to be able to be return the favour by gratuitously and shamelessly filching the above picture from the latest edition of the Eye.

Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between Hislop and the slapped arse of a newborn child? Their ability to reply to e-mails seems to be about the same.

Perhaps they are related? I think we should be told...

Richard the Turd at the TUC

Personally I like a good speech and it seems that this week's TUC has been sorely lacking, so here's one that Shakespeare wrote earlier...

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious by these sons of Marx;
And all the clouds that lour'd on Congress House
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows furrowed with rebellious thoughts;
Our bruised arms holding up the placards;
Our braziers warm the merry pickets,
Our dreadful marches seek to change their measures.
Grim-visag'd war doth come to save our pensions;
And now,--instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,--
We carry banners and chant before their House
To the endless barracking of marchers.
But we that are shaped for cunning tricks
Are made to court the lustings of power
We that are rudely stamped upon, and court our members
And strut before the wanton media
We are curtail'd of fair proportion,
And cheat and lieth by our very nature
Are deform'd, unfinish'd, sent upon this time
To spread these stories scarce half made up,
And those so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs would piss on us as we march by.
No power we in this weak piping time of peace,
Unless we strike to pass away the time,
And flex our muscles before the camera's eye
Reflecting on our paltry cause
And therefore,--since we cannot prove our case,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,--
We are determined to find a villain,
On whom to blame the evil measures now proposed.
Plots have we laid, inductions dangerous,
By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,
To set our masters and their opposition
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if their measures are proved as true and just
Then we must false, and treacherous, be
Our days of protest closely be mew'd up,--
About a prophecy which says that we
Our country's prospects the murderer shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul...

Years ahead of his time, that boy...

Rotten Boroughs : Waveney

Councillor are pillars of the community; outstanding examples of how we should all behave; people who can be relied on to do the right thing...

Well, not it seems in Waveney District Council where Conservative councillor Andrew Draper was arrested and convicted of drink driving and kicking a police officer. He was convicted at Lowestoft Magistrates Court , fined £800 and banned from driving for 2 years.

Now of course the Conservative Party is quite big on law and order, so it's a bit surprising that after Draper resigned from the council’s cabinet, he was backed to remain as a Conservative councillor by group leader Colin Law. It could perhaps have something to do with the fact that the balance of power on the council is on a knife edge?

But, following calls for him to resign or for the Tories to take stronger action, Draper announced last week he had resigned from the Conservative group – although he would remain on the council as an Independent member.

Here's part of what he had to say for himself : "It is not in my character to wilfully attack police officers. I was not resisting arrest, or in any way acting violently. I had been pepper sprayed at close range whilst in the back of the police vehicle. My hitting out was an involuntary act of self defence. I have always and will continue to respect the work of the police in Suffolk.

“In all, this is a deeply regrettable incident, which I want to put behind me and move on from. I intend to remain as a councillor on Waveney District Council, now as an Independent representing my ward. I see it as an opportunity to put something back into the community."

A perfectly natural reaction to brutal police officers needlessly pepper spraying an innocent member of the public, no doubt...

Now you might well think that he should have resigned altogether in disgrace, but none of it! You might also think that Draper's resignation is a bit of a damp squib as although he is no longer a Conservative member he will undoubtedly continue to vote with them. You might well be right!

And just a postscript to this story, Draper was again in trouble just the day after his court appearance when his 'dangerous dog' bit a postman. Apparently, the police had 'strong words' with him about the incident.

"Tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime..."

( You can read more about this story here and here )

Huge turd sighted in Thames!

Apparently a bloke called David Walliams, who claims to be a comedian of some sort, has just spent 8 days of his life swimming the 140 mile length of the Thames.

Well maybe it's just me, because I just don't get it. It seems one hell of a waste of 8 days of a life to me.

Alright, I know it was done for 'cherritee, mate' (please use best Smashie and Nicey accent at this juncture), but I just don't see the point. Personally, I'm all 'cherriteed' out and even if I wasn't then Sport Aid and Red Nose Day would be right down the bottom of the list. A load of so called celebs with too much money acting the arse in order to take money from poorer people who most likely can't afford it but are too thick to say no...

And of course at the end of this epic feat of human endurance there were the usual crew of b-list comedy celebs waiting to welcome him - people like Jimmy Carr, Rob Bryden, Lennie Henry, Barbara Windsor and other seriously unfunny people.

Apparently, this completely pointless piece of lunacy has raised over £1 million for 'cherritee, mate, cherritee'. Money that we can now piss down the toilet to administrators, committees and corrupt overseas governments. How much of it actually gets to the so-called 'needy people', I wonder? About as much as the £52 million of our taxes that got thrown to Somalia so that they can afford to fund kidnapping and murder of innocent tourists, I should imagine.

There are a couple of famous sayings that come to mind: "The good Lord helps those who help themselves" and "Charity begins at home".

As far as I can see this was just another turd floating in the Thames...

Hands off our banks!

With the publication of the report into the structure of banking in the UK just published, it is apparent that what is needed is a radical separation of the investments and retail banking sectors. In other words, we need to stop the banks using our money to gamble on the markets...

Needless to say, the banks don't want to do this. Hardly surprising as it will cost them a great deal of money to implement and reduce access to depositors' funds to be used for their own nefarious purposes. But Osbourne says he is adamant that this must happen and that he will legislate 'in the lifetime of this parliament'.

But of course there is a big difference between legislating and making something happen...

In reality nothing will actually happen until the end of this decade by which time if the TUC gets it's way there may well be a change of government - God help us - and that leaves ample time for the legislation to be overturned.

The argument is, of course, that this move will adversely effect the banks' grossly overinflated profits and that this will be passed on to consumers in some form of price hike. Or that if we make the banks uncompetitive in this way, then they will take their business overseas and this will cripple our already ailing economy. We can legislate for the first and frankly I simply don't believe the second.

There is no doubt that this change needs to happen, but it needs to happen now. It is simply not good enough to put through some new law before the next election. What we need is for the banks to be split apart BEFORE the end of this parliament.

Get your finger out, George, and let's see if this government walks the walk as well as talking the talk!

Reality TV

Do you ever watch 'Newswatch' on the BBC? It's worth a look - but only if you like to laugh at the stupidity of some of the viewers comments or to throw your eyes up in disbelief at the bland and pointless justifications that BBC executives come up with in reply.

Anyway, the one I watched this last weekend got me thinking. The viewer in question was criticising the BBC for the showing shocking scenes from Libya that were being shown on the 6 o'clock news and saying that they should be more careful to observe the watershed.

The BBC editor in response - who is, of course, never wrong - went on to say that they didn't show the worse scenes and went on to show a piece by Olga Guerin from the scene of a mass murder of Gaddafi's opponents in Tripoli. She stopped at the gate and told the camera that she couldn't show you what was inside because it was so horrific.

Full marks then to the Daily Mirror for this piece from which the above picture has been lifted.

Maybe it's about time that TV in general and the BBC in particular stopped sanitising what we are allowed to watch. War is horrific; it's not a video game where people get killed and then miraculously get up again and only have another 4 lives left. 

Last week, the people of Royal Wooten Basset paid their last respects to the fallen of Afghanistan and Iraq. These young men did not get up again after being killed. They were shot, blown up and murdered. If they were lucky it was quick and painless.

Spare a thought for the maimed and disabled and disfigured that war produces. 

Maybe it's time for proper reality TV. Maybe if we were shown the full horror, we might be a little more reluctant to start shooting? 

They don't like change, you know

Today an ecclesiastical nightmare straight out of the pages of the Vicar of Dibley. No. I'll rephrase that - if you wrote this little lot up as a comedy episode, people would think it was too far fetched!

In the idyllic village of Little Snoring - sorry, I mean Trillingham. I'm getting a bit carried away! - they like things left the way they are. So, bad enough that the CofE has had the audacity to send them a woman priest, she wants to change things. And for this heinous crime, they want her kicked out.

So what are these heinous crimes? Well, she shut the church because it was too cold. Fair enough you might think, but now she wants to put in underfloor heating so she doesn't have to do it again and that's apparently not right either.

And then there's the bell tower. She wants the community to have somewhere to meet so she suggests putting a meeting room under the tower. Well, we can't have that! It might actually benefit the community. And, OMG, she wants to install a toilet!

And then there's the pews. Apparently she wants these removed and replaced by plastic chairs, and to be honest I can see that might be a bit of a step too far. But it's hardly a sacking offense.

300 parishioners have signed a petition saying they want her removed - and I'm willing to bet that that's about 100 times the normal size of the weekly congregation. That might be a bit far out, but I bet it's not orders of magnitude. They claim she is cold and unwelcoming and isn't able to perform the duties expected of a full time vicar.

Apparently there are just as many people who want her to stay and they point out, quite rightly, that you can't expect a part time appointee to be on call full time. This is a fair point.

At the end f the day I suspect that this issue isn't actually about the traditional views of the congregation of a medieval church, it's more about the view of a medieval congregation in a rural backwater that don't like change.

Anyone who has moved from an urban to a rural environment will likely appreciate what I am saying. There are two main sayings that greet any newcomer to these communities : "You're not from round here!" and "That's not how we do it!"

( You can read an article about this by clicking here )

The Lone Ranger's last stand...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger"... 

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 

"What is your FIRST request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

  

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.  "You have a very fine and loyal horse", 

"But I will still kill you in two days." 

"What is your SECOND request?" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.  

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 

"You are indeed a man of many talents," 

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." 

"What is your LAST request?" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR ...THE ...LAST...TIME ...

...........

"BRING POSSE!"      

Never mind the Sex Pistols...

...here's the bollocks!

A little video I put together to accompany a song called "Parasite" by a friend of mine that reflects the state of the nation after the recent riots. Turn the volume up and enjoy!

Lazy, scrounging bastards

A report this week highlighted by the Daily Telegraph reveals that the number of households in this country where no adult has ever worked has increased to the highest level since the Office of National Statistics started keeping records 16 years ago.

There are now a staggering 370,000 households in the UK where no-one has ever worked, so this raises some simple questions :

(1) Are these people actually unable to find work or is it simply that they don't feel the need to bother?

(2) Is our benefits culture so out of control that people actually better off staying at home?

(3) How did these people get a home to lounge around in when hard working people can't get a mortgage?

To find the answers, look at the statistics. The number of these households has doubled in the last 15 years. That's 15 years predominantly under a Labour government. A Labour government that believes in redistribution of wealth.

Look at the number of people who decided to come off disability benefit when they were told that they would have to be medically assessed.

Look at the ridiculous Human Rights legislation that promises so much to those that know how to exploit it.

Look at the recent case of Moira Pearce in Gillingham who is hawking herself round local charities begging for handouts because she can't support her 10 children by four different men in her four bed roomed house in Kent on the paltry £31,200 a year she gets in benefits.

Yes, there are people out there with problems that genuinely deserve a helping hand. People who are trying their best.

And then there are people like Moira...

Mrs Doubtfire and the Polar Bear

Shoooo! Be off with you...

The English abroad never cease to amaze me - and this trip was no exception!

Our ship comprised a majority of Norwegians, Swedes with a group of Dutch, and a sprinkling of Poles and Israelis. Even a charming Indian gentleman was with us - but that's alright because they all speak English. So why is it aways the other English people who make me feel like crawling into the woodwork? Why am I always having to apologise for my fellow countrymen?

There was a charming English family with us whose two excellently behaved sons put the older members of our party to shame on occasions. There was a Welsh couple whose company we enjoyed. So far so good - but then we get what I refer to as the 'Barbados Slave Owning Set' or as my Welsh friend so beautifully put it 'those of the Raj mentality'.

And of course, they travel in sets. In this case a set of four. I suspect this is a defense mechanism that enables them to actually have someone to talk at without having to engage with us riff-raff. Naturally they have the largest cabins, drink gin and tonic, insist on the same table at meal times and play bridge in the lounge after dinner. I mean, one simply does, doesn't one?

Needless to say, they get right up my nose. And as one very pleasant Dutch lady remarked : "Ernly ze Breetish wud play breedge in ze Arctique" - I am inclined to agree!

One evening we were playing some music in the bar - quietly I might add. Needless to say, the gang of four were playing bridge - right under the loudspeaker! At this point a rather butch woman bearing a remarkable resemblance to Robin Williams in drag decided to give me a mouthful. I did politely point out that there were other opinions in the room contrary to hers - not, of course, that this mattered to her - and that perhaps directly under the loudspeaker was not the quietest place in the room. She told me she did not approve. "Never mind", I replied.

Of course given such a response, she immediately sent her husband over to sort us out! Clearly I was supposed to be impressed by his gravitas and undoubted air of authority. "I didn't pay all this money to listen to this rubbish..." he started. "Bloody well turn it off now or I will!" I was forced to explain to him that (a) the magic word 'please' works wonders, (b) that if he liked his fingers then it would be a nice idea to keep them away from the dial, and (c) I paid the same for the trip as he did! He was not best pleased.

But everything comes to he who waits. Guess who was sat next to him on a very early morning flight home? Regrettably, the volume control on my iPod was malfunctioning and he was unable to get a lot of sleep.

However, clearly valuing his fingers he didn't try to take it from me, so perhaps he was not as stupid as I thought... even if he does live in Surrey!

Rotten Boroughs : Camden

A family of asylum seekers on “every kind of benefit available” have been granted a move to a £2million London mansion that rents out at £8,000 a month just to be nearer their friends.

Jobless Somali Saeed Khaliif, 49, and wife Sayida use benefits to pay the rent on the six-bedroom home in West Hampstead, north London. It was claimed the family moved from Coventry to be closer to friends and relatives in London. While it is not known exactly how many children the Khaliifs have, up to eight youngsters have been seen at the house, including two in wheelchairs.

The house was on the market for £2million. It has six bedrooms, three bathrooms and three receptions. It was recently advertised locally at a rent of £1,500 per week.

Apparently, neither Khalif nor his wife have worked since moving their family to this country three years ago. He commented "This is my house. We have every right to live here."

The Department for Work and Pensions refused to comment other than to be quick to point out that housing benefit is administered by local councils. Camden council avoided commenting by hiding behind data protection rules.

( You can read mre about this story in the Daily Express by clicking here )

The Polar Bear Song

I admit to being impressed - not just by my recent trip but by the speed at which my friend Chas banged out a song about the trip on the strength of a couple of e-mails!

The pictures are all mine incidentally from which you will have gathered we saw quite a few bears, but a friend of mine did the same trip a couple of years earlier and never saw one . Hope you enjoy it - it made I larf...

I Spy - another miracle!

Proof positive that God is everywhere, I took this picture at Isispynten on the island of Nordauslandet in Spitzbergen - or to put it another way, in the middle of nowhere!

The Vatican have dispatched a team of senior investigators on a luxury yatch to investigate...

More silly questions...

Back in April, I published part of a list of some bloody silly questions that a polar expedition guide friend of mine sent me. I was reminded of it on my recent visit to the Arctic, so I thought I would share a few more gems from it with you...

• Do polar bears come out when it is light?
• Do the icebreakers make those icebergs?
• Do the Vikings cause any ethnic problems in Norway these days?
• Do they have special charts for the extra ice in winter?
• Do they sharpen the bows to make it easier for the ship to cut through the ice?
• Do the crew sleep aboard?
• Does the midnight sun set above the horizon?
• Does the world spin in the other direction at the North Pole?
• Does this driftwood come from trees?
• Does this island go all the way down to the bottom of the sea?
• How tall is the North Pole?
• If all the lines meet at the pole how do we know where we are?
• If I toss a coin in the sea at the North Pole will it ever reach the bottom?
• If it is January at the South Pole what month is it at the North Pole?
• Is it so cold at the poles because the Sun is farther away?
• Is it the waves, which push the glaciers so far inland?
• Is the North Pole farther north than we are now?
• Is there such a thing as a female Sperm Whale?
• Is this island completely surrounded by water?
• They announced there were whales; why can I only see fins?
• What bird species made that pooh?
• What colour is that snow?
• What do the fish do when the tide goes out?
• What do they do with the glaciers in winter?
• What is the local time at the North Pole?
• What is the maximum reported speed of fast ice?
• What is the nationality of the Russian crew?
• What language is spoken at the North Pole?
• What makes that guano?
• When you said the Polar Circle was at 66½ degrees, is that in Fahrenheit or Centigrade?
• Where do the seals go when it rains?
• Who owns those glaciers?
• Why aren’t there any seat-belts on the Zodiacs?
• Why do the whales keep coming to the surface?
• Why don’t they build extensions to the historic huts so more people can get in at once?
• Why is that side of the ship moving but this side isn’t?
• Why is the horizon so bright at sunset?
• Why is this island uninhabited?
• Will I be able to buy postcards at the abandoned village?
• Will the whale surfacing at 10 o’clock be in the morning or the evening?
• Will you call me ten minutes before the next whale surfaces?

And I swear they are all real...

Light bulb, light bulb burning bright...

It's official. Today Britain is a darker place to live in . We've known for some time that the Fourth Reich wanted to plunge this country back into darkness - and now they've achieved it!

They banned the 100 watt incandescent lightbulb - I have a secret store, but don't tell anyone - and know they've banned the 60 watt as well. I shall be out later today buying up all the old stock at my local supermarket.

And it seems I'm not alone. The newspapers have been reporting that Britons have been buying up these things like they're going out of fashion! (Oops! They are though aren't they?). Just take a look at the internet and see how many sellers have been stockpiling the bloody things and now hope to make a killing.

So why is this happening? Well, it's all to do with global warming, apparently. This is a subject, you will have gathered, that gets right up my nose. See yesterday's post for example. Well, that's cobblers. It's about control. It's about authoritarianism. It's about killing off democracy.

Nobody much likes these things. They take time to warm up, give off an inferior or often yellowing light, they're expensive and many can't be used with a dimmer switch. I have seven dimmer switches in my house if you count the four bedside ones that are touch sensitive and work on three levels.

But we have to have them because Brussels says so. It really doesn't matter what the people of this country want. It's a glowing example (sorry for the pun!) of this country being told what to do by foreigners. It's the democratic wishes of the people of this country being over-ruled and ignored. It's all that bad about the EU.

And the worse thing is that this government doesn't have the balls to represent it's electorate and just tell Brussels to sod off!...

(There's a nice article in the Telegraph you can read if you want to know more - just click here)

Rowing to the North Pole

Now here's a headline from the Daily Mail that got my goat the other day :

"British explorers become first to row to North Pole... after global warming melts ice caps"

Well, sorry guys, but whilst not wishing to belittle what is, after all, quite a big physical achievement this is, well, bollocks isn't it?

As my regular reader will know, I have just spent a couple of weeks up there. What might be a little less well known is that our vessel's expedition crew know a thing or two about the polar ice cap and have the academic qualifications to back it up.

They refuse to use the expression 'global warming' because they feel that the expression 'climate change' is more appropriate and climate change is cyclical and natural. They also point out that there are bad years and good years up there and that there is little or no evidence that the retreat in the ice shelf that has happened this year is in any way unusual. In fact, whilst it is true it retreated a fair way this summer, the ice seems to be reforming earlier than usual. To put it another way - swings and roundabouts...

But what really concerns them up there is not warming, but pollution. In particular, there seems to be evidence that the emissions from the emerging Chinese industrial revolution is pumping pollutants into the arctic atmosphere and this is finding its way into the human and animal food chain. This is a lot more worrying that the ice 'melting' - things are being poisoned.

But back to that offending headline :

What the Mail seems to be missing in it's scramble for a feelgood headline is that these guys rowed to the MAGNETIC north pole which, as it happens, is nowhere near the GEOGRAPHIC north pole. We got within 600 miles of that other one and, believe me, there was no way you were going to get there in a rowing boat - as you can see from the picture I took when one of our zodiacs got stuck after we went 'ashore' for a walkabout...

Oh yeah - and I almost forgot. The magnetic pole has shifted since 1996 and these guys rowed to where it was then, which means they missed today's location by about 738 kilometers!