My kinda church!

Religion should be fun. I just can't believe that the Almighty put us here on Earth with the express purpose of making us miserable - however likely that sometimes feels!

So if I was going to build a temple, I'd want it to be like the one pictured above...

This is Ayah Pin's Sky Kingdom. The commune would not seem out of place in a Disney theme park. It contains an umbrella-shaped building about two storeys high, an ornamental fishing boat, strategically located faux Greco-Roman pillars, and the centrepiece - a pink teapot.

Ayah Pin and his followers - he claims to have several thousand in Malaysia, Singapore, Bali and beyond - say the two-storey-high teapot was inspired by the dreams of one of the cult's followers, and reflects a similar vessel in the sky which God uses to shower his blessings on mankind.

Followers who come to the village for the first time have to drink "holy water" pouring from a giant vase that is perpetually filled by the teapot.

The cult does not have any moral or religious strictures of its own. Instead, Ayah Pin, whose real name is Ariffin Mohamad, says members can follow any religion they like. He claims that all prayers will be answered by none other than himself, because he is God.

"All religions are basically the same," says Ayah Pin. "God teaches love. He is for anyone who wants to know about the world. You can choose whichever religion you want."

The Sky Kingdom is said to be a version of similar structures found in the sky. But the structures in the sky are apparently more aesthetically pleasing since they are decorated with diamonds, sapphires, and other gemstones. The teapot represents purity of water. There is a vase to accept water flowing from the teapot. The vase is said to have healing properties, and the giant umbrella is a place for people to take shelter beneath God.

God is, indeed, great...

(h/tip to the Malaysian Star for the story...)

Multi tasking

It has been suggested that the youth of today are simply not capable of multi-tasking like the old farts of the older generation...

Well, I am here to tell you that this simply is not true and that I have this morning seen the proof with my very own eyes!

Outside my kitchen window a beat up old hatchback - why is it always a beat up old hatchback? - has just parked. Both the driver and the passenger were on their mobiles at the time. The driver then stuck the phone into his ear whilst parking the car, got his breakfast wrap out of the lunchbox on the dashboard and whilst eating it and continuing to chat on the phone, proceeded to pick his nose.

That's four tasks at the same time!

Who says the youth of today can't multitask!?

RMT's Bob Crow loses the plot

It's good to know that when the going gets tough......some people lose a grip on reality!

It seems that one of those people is none other than union boss Bob Crow. Bob doesn't seem to realise that the finances of this country are deep in the crapper and has come up with a great plan to drop us even further in it - except of course for his members who are, naturally, a special case.

The backgound to this is that Network Rail have announced plans to axe 800 signal boxes and replace them with 14 mammoth signalling centres. Bob reckons that this means as many as 4000 of his members could be made redundant, although this figure is unconfirmed. Now I have a degree of sympathy for the staff who will be redeployed or made redundant, but Bob's hopping mad and has come up with a master plan...

He says he is "not opposed" to new technology but adds the changes should be accommodated through "a shorter working week, additional leave and the right to retire at 55 on full pension".

Signallers currently work 36 hours a week and get 36 days annual leave - 28 days plus public holidays. The average salary is £47,000 and staff get gold-plated final salary pensions at 60.

And this at a time when we ordinary non-RMT scum are being told we need to work to 68 and take a pension cut...

Well, a 30 hour week for 47 grand and a full pension at 55 works for me, Bob. When can I start?

Oh, and is this a good time to mention that the gesture in the poster is, in some places, taken to mean 'Fuck you!'?

Only a year to go...

Yesterday we celebrated that fact that there is exactly one year to go before the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympic Games. We had a little shindig in Trafalgar Square, and Princess Ugly unveiled the medals. Doesn't it just make you swell with national pride?

Well, no actually!

If one more person refers to 'Team GB' then I swear I will scream. Which pimply faced adolescent puerile marketing twat came up with such a bloody silly name anyway? But I digress...

Much was said in the papers yesterday about the targets that have been set for the Great Britain Olympic Team and how we will be judged a failure if we do not achieve them. Apparently, the team will be letting the taxpayers down if they fail to achieve this target. Talk about setting ourselves up for a fall! I suspect that the nearest most of your team members will get to a medal was in Trafalgar Square yesterday.

We're great at it, aren't we? Set 'em up and knock 'em down! There's a year to go and we've got the medals hanging around their necks already. Why don't we just scrap the games and give everyone in the team a medal? I would be a bloody site cheaper! The names of Henman and Murray come to mind...

And then there's the row over catering. Apparently building a bloody great MacDonald's in the middle of the site is going to spark a child obesity epidemic. A bit late for that isn't it? They're in every high street in the country and have been for years. And they're not the sort of people we should be associating with for the Olympics - although we seem to be forgetting that they have forked out several million for the priviledge.

Which bring me nicely on to the subject of all the corporations who promised to be sponsoring this great fiasco and have now failed to produce the money, blaming this u-turn on the financial recession. Yesterday, the head of the Olympic Delivery Authority (is it just me that thinks that ODA is something that stinks?) announced that without the sponsorship funds he had expected that he would have to dip into his contingency fund.

Or to put it another way, the taxpayer will have to stump up even more cash - because it's not his money is it? It's ours!

Did it never occur to the Labour government to get these defaulting sponsors to sign a legally binding contract when they agree to come forward? Silly question...

As far as I can see, the only good thing about yesterdays milestone date is that it means there's only 13 months to go until its all over.

And then we will be left to count the real cost - in money and ego...

FFS Pickles! Get a grip...

Eric Pickles would seem to be in desperate need of a little divine inspiration judging from the above picture!

Earlier this month, we were blessed with the news that Suffolk County Council's completely useless Chief Executive had finally been kicked out - albeit with a £220,000 golden goodbye. What was Pickles comment? "The new appointee's salary needs to be more in tune with the times".

So what does that mean? Well according to sources in Suffolk this week, that actually means that the cash strapped authority will be looking to pay around £160,000 per annum which is still more than the £142,000 David Cameron gets for running the entire country!

Andrea Hill has now been on garden leave or plain simply gone for some ten weeks and apparently the appointment of a new chief executive is likely to take several months. During this time, the budget setting process for next year will be under way.

Perhaps the Council should be asking itself exactly who has been running the council since Mrs Hill's suspension? It seems to me to have been running quite satisfactorily - indeed, some sources inside the council say it has been running better - so exactly why do they need to replace her at all. It seems to me that the position has been operationally proven to be redundant.

Coming back to Pickles, one has to ask what sort of authority and grip on reality this man has to allow this fiasco to run on and on? Grow a pair, Eric, and get some legislation on the books that allows the salaries of these fat cat piss takers to be pegged at a sensible level. Why are you allowing this obscene abuse of ratepayers money to roll on and on!

And at the end of the day , why the hell are Suffolk proposing to offer the job at around £160,000 per annum. There are no end of competent managers out there who would be more than willing and able to do the job for half of that...

...and in the meantime, this week they have appointed a temporary manager for 6 months - at £150,000 a year! FFS!

Rotten Boroughs : South Tyneside

It has to be said that there are some real idiots out there masquerading as Councillors like, for example, Cllr Bartlett of Stony Stratford of whom I wrote recently. But if you really want to scrape the bottom of the barrel, there is unlikely to be anywhere better to look than South Tyneside.

Cllr David Potts is a controversial figure in South Tyneside, often accused by the Tyneside Independent Alliance - a coalition of independent councillors and candidates - of being an ineffective local councillor. He came under fire in November last year when he spent three months in South Africa while still claiming £1,003 a month in expenses - without giving a clear reason for the trip. He said at the time: 'I'm here on a mixture of business and pleasure' - so you would be justified in asking exactly why he was being funded by ratepayers?

But more recenty, Cllr Potts decided to have a jolly good rant when his local MP - none other than David Miliband - was offered a job a non-executive role at Sunderland football club with a reported salary of £50,000 a year.

So incensed was Cllr Potts at this move that he launched forth with a tirade of abuse on Twitter. I quote : "Miliband takes on Sunderland football role. If I knew he was that cheap I'd have offered him 50K years ago. What a wanker!"

Not content to stop there, he went on to offer Miliband £1,000 to teach his girlfriend to cook. Now Miliband might have been on the look out for a job or two since losing the Labout leadership election to his brother, but I doubt even he is that desperate!

A Conservative Party spokesman said: "Football often raises strong emotions, but language like this is clearly unacceptable in political debate." In his own party, leader of South Tyneside Council Iain Malcom said last night: "The comments are clearly outrageous from a senior public figure like Cllr Potts, he should withdraw them from his Twitter account and apologise to David Miliband."

Now you might think that this is a little hypocritical of me as I am about to declare that I think they are both a couple of wankers - but then, I'm not a holder of public office....

....and if I was, then I'd know better!

Winehouse wasn't that good!

I'm sorry that Amy Winehouse is dead. It's tragic that any 27 year old should throw her life away like she did.

But at the same time, I am getting really pissed off at all these z-grade celebs telling me how fucking wonderful she was and how she saved the British music industry single handed.

Apparently, she was a 'legend'. No she wasn't. She was just a singer. Whether she was a good singer depends on your personal taste, but she certainly wasn't a legend - although I'm sure the record companies will hype her into one just to sell more records.

Drugs and booze took their toll on this sad, pathetic woman. This happens to many in the music industry. But while her fans are busy praising the dead, perhaps we should reflect on the times she turned up at a performance too high or drunk to perform. The same loyal fans booed her off the stage.

She was guilty of forgetting the first rule of entertainment - you have to please the audience, not yourself.

No. Sad as it is the way she went, she wasn't that good and we should remember that while we are holding her out as a paragon. I suspect that in five years time, we will have forgotten all about her.

It probably won't even take that long.

A Mosque? Not in my back yard!

With the race to unseat Obama in the upcoming Presidential elections in the States, it's really good to know that all the candidates support the right to freedom of religion set down in the constitution.

Republican hopeful, Herman Cain, for example has been criticised - quite rightly - for supporting the views of a bunch of local residents in Murfreesboro near Nashville, Tennessee who don't want a new Islamic Centre built in their back yards.

There have been a number of protest by Christians who say they do not want Muslims worshiping nearby. Former Godfathers' (sic) Pizza boss Cain supports them, insisting that his views do not amount to religious discrimination because the Muslims are trying to inject Shariah law into the USA.

He goes on "They are using the Church part of the first amendment to infuse their Mosque in that community and the people do not like it." Well, that's what the first amendment is for, isn't it?

Well, I'm an Englishman so I do not profess to be an expert on the US constitution. I also know that in the States there are areas where there are strong Christian communities that you cross at your peril, but it does seem to me that in the land that holds itself out to be the beacon of liberty, this man would not really make a great President?

Pippa Middleton's a nice bit of crumpet...

If you ever wanted a prime example of the never ending genius of the human mind to do something completely meaningless and trivial, here's a prime example...



Apparently, this resulted from a poll done by Beefeater to find Britains favourite bit of crumpet.

Not only purile, unnecessary and sexist, but also a huge waste of food. After all, there's people starving in Africa, you know...

...and is it just me, or does her bum look big in that?

James and Rebekkah make a deal

We have hacked into the CCTV security system at News Corp to reveal what James and Rebekkah said to each other the day she handed in her resignation...

Charity begins at home

Here we go again!...

Whilst I am duly sympathetic to the plight of those starving in refugee camps in East Africa and am duly impressed by the generosity of the British people in donating £15 million of the money they are not supposed to have, I continue to draw a line at enforced charity giving.

On top of the £15 million, the government has announced that it will contribute a further £52 million to the appeal. This is all very well, but that £52 million of taxpayers money on top of the £15 million that the taxpayers have already given voluntarily. In my view, that's not on.

It's one thing to be asked to donate. It's quite another thing to have it taken off you via the tax system and donated on your behalf without asking for or attaining your consent.

Maybe the people in the horn of Africa should at least try and sort out their own differences and problems. Perhaps their governments should take some responsibility. Or maybe people just shouldn't choose to live where there is no viable life support?

Whatever, it's a good excuse for yet another concert...

Rotten Boroughs : Essex County Council

Dear, oh dear! Poor old Essex council seems to be having a rough time of it lately...

You might remember Lord Hanningfield, the peer who was jailed fraud? Well it seems that whilst he was in prison, Essex County Council has been continuing to pay him his expenses allowance as a councillor - until a public uproar put a stop to it.

The excuse was that they were obliged to keep paying him while he was appealing against his conviction and now that the appeal has been held, they have stopped. You might think that this was piss poor and showed a distinct lack of backbone.

Anyway, Essex is also coming under criticism for its fleet of three chaffeur driven Jaguars - now cut to just one mainly used by the chairman, Rodney Bass - which it uses as a 'cost effective way of conveying councillors about their duties'. Ironically, it was Hanningfield's use of the car to ferry him between Essex and the House of Lords that focused attention on the fleet. A Freedom of Information request revelaed that the council spent over £677,000 on the cars over the past five years - and that's a lot of taxi fares!

Mike Mackrory, Liberal Democrat deputy opposition leader, said: "I find it quite extraordinary and one really wonders what on earth the journeys were and how that could be justified?" Mr Bass on the other hand commented that if the prime minister could have a car, so should he, because of the number of functions he attends.

Peter Martin, its new leader, said: "We're certainly not a profligate council. We are extremely tight with our money. We are offering extremely good value for money to our residents."

You might like to form your own opinions - especially if you are an Essex ratepayer...

News of the World reporter found dead

An overlooked story tucked away in the back pages of the press has come to my attention relates to the 'unexplained' death of former News of the World journalist Sean Hoare who was found dead at his Watford home on Monday morning.

Interestingly, Hoare was the man who made claims in the New York Times that he was actively encouraged by Andy Coulson to 'hack phones'.

Hertfordshire Police have issued a brief statement that the death is unexplained but 'not thought to be suspicious. Police investigations into this incident are ongoing.'

Far be it for me to suggest that there is anything untoward going on here. I'm sure that the timing is nothing more than an unfortunate co-incidence...

Scottish Power and simple maths...

Take a look at the picture above....it's a man trying to work out his gas and electricity bill.

Well, British Gas has just become the latest supplier to increase its prices dramatically, hot on the heels of Scottish Power thereby putting BG back in it's place as the country's most expensive energy supplier. God alone knows why so many people buy from them! They must be nuts...

Anyway, I get my gas and electric from Scottish Power who you will recall put their prices up by an 'average' of 10% and 19% so I thought I'd just share with you exactly what that maths means when it says 'average'

Here are the old and new figures for my no standing charge tariff together with the actual percentage increases :

Electric (quoted as +10%) :

First 225 KWh/quarter up from 15.012p to 20.529p - up 37%
Remainder in the quarter up from 8.745p to 10.378p - up 19%

Gas (quoted as +19%) :

First 670 KWh/quarter up from 5.152p to 7.66p - up 49%
Remainder in the quarter up from 2.196p to 3.524p - up 60%

Anyone see a pattern here? Yep, you spotted it - the 10% and 19% figures quoted are complete and utter bollocks...

Being a reasonable sort of chap (yes, really), I asked for an explanation. The answer is of course that the increases publicised are based on an 'industry standard model' for an 'average user' based on the standard tariff. The problem is of course that only a nutter would be on the standard tariff because there's always a cheaper one available. And of course no-one actually fits the average user profile anyway.

So there you have it. We are being misled and ripped off yet again.

No wonder these bastards are making record profits...

Matchings and Despatchings

Earlier last week with a great flurry on the BBC Breakfast programme, the CofE announced that it was going to put up the costs of weddings and funerals held in their - sorry, in God's - churches by as much as 50%. This would bring the cost of a church wedding up to £425. The cost of a funeral would rise from £102 to £150.

The reason for this is, apparently, that the church want to standardise the fees and get rid of what has been described as a 'Ryanair' charging system.

'Hidden' extras at weddings can include £100 for the Verger (even though under CofE rules this expense is supposed to be included in the basic fee), £100 for a choir, £100 for bellringers, £150 for an organist and even £70 to thank parishioners for arranging the flowers!

Administrative fees and charges for costs such as heating are also officially forbidden, but sometimes asked for. In all, these charges can mean a couple face a bill of close to £1,000 for the church.

Now bringing this all down to a standard all inclusive fee would, on the face of it, seem to be a sensible move, but the Synod has rejected the plan on the basis that it would penalise poorer families - although it was proposed that there would be exceptions made for the less well off. Whether it would have been practical for the church to means test families is another issue...

So at the end of the day the plan was rejected.

This decision, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that the cash strapped church makes £35 million a year from matchings and despatchings...

Rotten Boroughs : Stony Stratford

I am a great believer in free speech - which is why reserve the right to tell Councillor Paul Bartlett, independant town councillor of Stony Stratford and alderman of Milton Keynes, that's he's totally out of order!

Cllr Bartlett is defying the wishes of his electorate to push through his personal vision of a smoke free Stony Stratford. It's already illegal to smoke in the shops, bars and cafes. Fifteen years ago he was instrumental in pushing through a smoking ban in Milton Keynes shopping centre. Clearly he is a man on a mission...

Under Bartlett's plan it will be illegal to smoke in any public area in Stony Stratford, even though these areas are in the open air. So now not only will it be illegal to smoke inside the pub, but it will be illegal to smoke outside as well. And if you do, you could be fined up to £100.

Cllr Bartlett comments ‘It’s a health thing. You walk up and down the High Street and the Market Square and you get nicotine in your face — children in buggies get smoke in their eyes. It leaves a nasty smell, as well as the litter and germs.

‘Most people think it’s disgusting to spit in the street but when you throw away a cigarette end, you’re really doing the same, throwing your spit on the street. How wonderful it would be if Stony Stratford became a world leader in health issues — beating Tokyo and New York [where they have limited public smoking bans, but nothing as stringent as Bartlett’s blanket proposal]. People will come to smoke-free Stony Stratford just because of it.’

Bartlett, who has never smoked himself, goes on 'We should change the mores of society, and see smoking for the anti-social activity that it is.'

The point, Cllr Bartlett, is that there is a big difference between antisocial and illegal.

The residents of Stony Stratford are so pissed off with Cllr Bartlett's plan that there is a major rally taking place this morning to show the strength of public feeling. It kicks off at 11:00 with guest speakers from 12:00 onwards. The speakers include Bill Etheridge of The Freedom Association; David Odell, Head of Stony Stratford Chamber of Commerce; Patrick Hayes, Journalist at the Institute of Ideas and columnist at Spiked and UKIP's Nigel Farage.

If I were Cllr Bartlett, I would remember that I was elected to carry out the wishes of my electorate, not for them to carry out mine.

I urge you to support this mini-revolution as it could well be the thin edge of the wedge...

(You can read more about this issue here and here. I declare my position as a heavy ex-smoker - 80 a day - who gave up but supports your right to do what you like with your own body!)

A newspaper editor speaks out...

"Come on, I mean there's really been a whole load of rubbish in the papers lately about all this phone hacking stuff. I mean Christ mate, I should know. After all, I wrote most of it!

At the end of the day, how's a journalist supposed to make his living if doesn't get any juicy information any way he can? I can't see nothing wrong with paying for it - after all if we didn't drop all that cash to the workers in the local government and the NHS and the police they'd want more money and the government keeps telling us we can't afford that in these tough economic times!

And now bloody Gordon's having a moan. I don't know how he's got the cheek after all we did to for him when he was Prime Minister. He never wanted an enquiry back then and don't let him kid you otherwise. He was just using it as a threat to blag a bit more coverage out of us, I reckon. Just like that Royal Family lot too. After all they don't want a repeat of that squidgy tape thing again, so what's a few lousy phone numbers?

I mean it's not like we were doing anything illegal at the end of the day. I mean it would been illegal if Gordon had pushed it through, but in the end he saw common sense and let us just get on with it. It's in the public interest after all to know what these people are really up to, and if we don't tell 'em, who will?

Anyhow, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. At least now the News of the Screws is gone there'll be more people buying our papers and that's gotta be a good thing, ain't it? And as far as this enquiry thing goes, have they never bleedin' 'eard of the press protecting it's sources?

Mark my words, it'll all blow over. And if it doesn't they'll be surprised what we got off those tapes at the end of the day, mate, just you see..."

At this point there is a clicking sound heard and the editor is heard to say : "Fuck! Was that a tape recorder running?..."

The Dear Gill Letters (12)

Daddy's incandescent...

Darling, I'm so sorry that I haven't written for a while, but you probably heard about that little spat that Daddy's been having up at his estate up in Yorkshire?

I mean, would you want an abattoir in your back garden? I went up there for a few days to try and cheer him up. He was telling me that everybody is against it. The local butcher wants to slaughter about 10,000 animals a year right on his doorstep. Can you imagine the smell not to mention the bits of mangled flesh flying out the windows and inconveniencing passers by.

To be fair, the locals had a meeting and none of them want it either, but the local council reckons that there are 'sound grounds' for the project and have approved it. Daddy's absolutely incandescent with rage! He's practically had a heart attack over it all.

And to make it worse, it's been approved by a Conservative run council! I asked Dave to have a quiet word with them, and I don't know what he said to them but it seems to have rather made things worse. They reacted by giving the little bugger even longer opening hours than he asked - probably stamping their little feet and muttering things about independence and undue influence and stuff!

I tell you what though. If the council leader's still looking forward to the New Years Honours list, he'd better be thinking again...

The house is open to the public in the summer and you can image what this is going to do to the garden tours - it just doesn't bear thinking about.

Anyway, we're lying low and making accomodating noises at the moment over that dreadful business at the News of the World. Dave's come in for a lot of stick from the dreaded Millipede over employing Andy as his press secretary. I mean what was he supposed to do? They say he exercised bad judgement in taking him on but as far as I can see the bad judgement would have been not sacking the little shit when all this hacking business came out.

Dave wants an enquiry into it all to salvage something from the whole mess - you know, exercising strong leadership and upholding the integrity of the law and all that sort of stuff. Trouble is once Rupey's got his hands on Sky he could really do some damage at the next election. Dave's really on a knife edge with this one.

Perhaps we could get him to do the opening ceremony at the new abattoir and arrange a little accident? Only joking, but I suspect it would put the smile back on Daddy's face for a while!

Toodle pip for now,

Tow away zone...

New rules are now in force to attempt to force uninsured drivers off the road...

The DVLA have installed a new computer system to check the insurance database against the Statutory Off Road Notification (SORN) database. It is now illegal to keep a vehicle on your drive or in a field without a SORN.

The computer will automatically issue warning letters, £100 penalties and can even tell the local plod to immobilise the vehicle, tow it away or even crush it. So, if you are motorist who hasn't taxed or insured his vehicle and hasn't filled in a SORN, then be afraid. Be very afraid.

In fact, if you own a vehicle at all, then be afraid!

Why?

Well, because in my long experience of working on computer systems for the government, they are completely incapable of writing a specification or controlling a contractor to write the software properly. Expect fines to be issued to innocent people, expect vehicles to be towed away that are properly taxed and insured, and expect guilty people to be totally missed and get away scot free. Trail by computer is an inherently bad idea.

In any case, people who break the law will continue to break the law. I remember once meeting a minicab driver who was given a twelve month ban for drunk driving. He was still driving his minicab. When I asked him why, he simply said that he needed to earn a living and that the vehicle didn't drive any differently just because he didn't have a piece of paper.

The idea is a step in the right, but even in the unlikely event that they get the system to work properly, it ain't gonna work.

Remember, you heard it here frst...

Rotten Boroughs : Havering

The London Borough of Havering is joining in with a vengence in the requirement to implement cutbacks. So far the budget has been cut by £19 million and the council is making 300 staff redundant.

In fact the council is so pleased with itself that it feels a need to reward the stalwart councillors .... by offering them each a shiny new iPad.

Needless to say, the local population is not impressed. Figures obtained under the freedom of information act show that so far they have purchased 17 of these nice little toys and could be buying as many as 57.

Council leader Cllr Michael White insists investment in the Apple gadgets will bring long-term reductions in paper, printing and travelling costs, and in other “unquantifiable” areas. Hmmm... 'unquantifiable'? Call me old fashioned, but what happened to the good old days of cost justifaction and viability studies and rates of return on investment and.......

But I digress!

The estimable councillor White went on “Councillors spend around £200,000 in printing and paper a year; these iPads will save tens of thousands. It also increases efficiency, as we can do things like view Google maps rather than visiting sites, saving money in transport and staff time – although these costs are unquantifiable." Hmmm... that word again!

So you would expect the opposition to make much political capital of this, but no. Leader of the opposition Cllr Clarence Barrett said: “The money comes out of the £600 IT allowance members are allocated for their [four-year] term, so I don’t see a problem with councillors using it as they see fit." Well, you might not see a problem, but that's probably because you're busy playing with your iPad?

Anyway, it seems that the council got a great deal. The normal cost of an iPad is around £500-600 but councillor White says that he managed to do a deal on old models at £150. At least that's what he said in the press, but on the ITV 6 o'clock news on 13th June the cost seemed to have risen to £500. Perhaps we didn't realise that what he meant to say isn't what we think we heard?  So which is it, Councillor?

Apparenty, they are great for playing Tetris while waiting for work to arrive...

Monday music : The Superinjunction Song

There seems to be a bit of a fad at the moment that if you are a celeb, then a superinjunction is the latest designer accessory.

My musically creative friend Chas came up with this little number to which I have added my own modest attempt at a video...



Of course, if you tell anyone about it, I will sue!

+ + + UPDATE + + +
If that's not enough music for you and you're a Peter Green fan, take a listen to Chas's attempt at Peter Green's 'Man of the World' over on his site...

Courts to decide Catholic abuse liability

Is the Roman Catholic church liable if it's priests commit acts of sexual abuse?

That's the question which is being tested in the High Court which has been asked to decide if the relationship between a bishop and his priests is the same as that between employer and employee.

The case arose after a woman brought a case against the diocese of Portsmouth, alleging that one of its priests had abused her while she was a resident at a Catholic children's home. The hearing will focus on the issue of corporate liability.

Her cousel argue that "In effect, priests are carrying out their working assigned to them by their bishop and furthering the cause of the diocese. He was dependent on the bishop to assign him a post and to control when he moved from one post to another and even to control when he was permitted to retire. The degree of control was, if anything, in excess of that in the typical employer/employee relationship."

If the answer is "yes, there is a relationship", then was the priest carrying out the actions complained of in circumstances that were "closely connected" with his role and/or work as a priest?

If the answer was "no" there would be "no circumstances where the Roman Catholic church is liable for the actions of one of its priests whether deliberate or careless and however closely connected those actions were to the role of priest".

The diocese denies liability and is defending itself against the claim. A ruling in its favour would mean the church could avoid paying compensation to victims of clerical sexual abuse.

( You can read more about this story in the Guardian by clicking here )

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are selfish bastards who forget that fairies are female -  and females are sneaky!

News of the Screws

Sneak preview of this Sunday's final closing edition :

Clearly, the Murdoch family think that we are all completely thick - although, to be fair, we have been buying their shite papers, so there must be some truth to that.

So this week's edition of the News of the Screws is the last before it closes forever - and then reopens again next week as the Sunday edition of the Sun.

Same shit - different title...

For fuck's sake! Are we really so pathetic in this country that we are going to let them get away with this?

Probably...

Unfit to rule

I will admit that I have never been a fan of the above pictured jug-eared, tree-hugging twit. I never liked Diana either, but the way this bastard treated her was way out of order and clearly turning her over in favour of a woman closely resembling the back end of a horse just proves he has no taste and bad eyesight!

Anyway, having said all that there have been a couple of things lately which convince me that King Charles III would be as big a disaster as the first two Kings of the same name. Whatever was Liz thinking of when she named him Charles?..

Firstly, there were the revelations that in order to set an example to his future subjects in this time of national financial crisis he increased his 'professional' expenditure by some 18% last year. Well. I wouldn't mind that as a pay rise, would you? And to make things worse, the staff at the Duchy of Cornwall are on a pay freeeze.

And just to rub salt in the wound, who has given him this extra money? Joe Muggins - the British taxpayer!

Secondly, there was the revelation that he doesn't know his place. Blair apparently resented his continual politcal interference and now we find out that he has been calling ministers in so that he can lobby them to support his views on architecture, ecology, global warming, aid and God knows what else.

This country is a constitutional monarchy. This means that the head of state does not interfere in politics. That is left to the elected representatives of the people.

Basically, Charlie, that means follow the example set by your mother and keep your nose out of it!

The best hope for the UK is that his mother will live as long as her mother and that he will have well and truly popped his clogs before he can ascend to the throne. I can't help feeling that King William V will do a far better job...

Pointless technology : The Chromebook

Just once in a while, a product comes along where you think "What the fuck where they thinking when they designed that?"

The Google Chromebook is just such a product...

Now I'm all in favour of a laptop that boots up a little bit quicker than the 5 odd minutes my XP machine takes but, to be honest, it does give me time to make a cup of tea while it starts up and, when it's actually running, it does do the things that I want it to do.

The Chromebook on the other hand, doesn't. Let's look at some of the 'advantages' that are claimed for it :

"Chromebooks are always connected to internet." Well that might be true for you, but frankly where I live - which is not in the middle of nowhere - I think we need to add "provided there is a connection, otherwise you can't use it!"

"Your apps, documents, and settings are stored safely in the cloud" because there's no hard drive to keep them on. See comment above and, let's be honest, do you really want all you data stored on someone else's hard drive?

"Software updates itself" just like with Microsoft updates - which is why mine is disabled!

On top of all this there is no USB port and no printer driver. It comes with a card slot and 16Gb of solid state memory. If it's not on an app, then it doesn't run. No spreadsheets, no word processing. It won't run movies or play music. There's minimal storage except on the web. If you want to print anything, then you need an internet connected printer - and we've all got one of those!

And, of course, all the apps have to be obtained from Google.

As far as I can see, you can get a pretty good laptop, an iPad or a good NetBook for about the same price - so what's the point of it? It's a bit like an iPhone that doesn't make phone calls!

So if you want to impress your friends that you have the latest gadget and don't actually want to do any computing, then this is the perfect product for you...

Rotten Boroughs : Suffolk County Council

Small comfort yesterday to learn that the powers that be at Suffolk County Council have finally got rid of the waste of space that was their Chief Executive.

Regular readers will know that I have written about Britain's highest paid council boss before, most recently when we was to be investigated for the effects of her 'management style' in the suicide of David White. This resulted in her being put on gardening leave after her return from holiday some eight weeks ago. You might recall that Ms Hill (pictured above) was paid £218,000 per annum, so the gardening leave in question has already cost the besieged tax payers of Suffolk around £18,000.

The council has reportedly told her to bugger off in exchange for a years salary - so now they are paying for her not to be there just the same as if she was! Many in Suffolk feel that that is a good deal because they are better off without her, her management style and her plans for the county.

The sad side of this story is that the decision appears to have been taken to avoid the 'embarassment and expense' of a long and bitterly disputed disciplinary hearing. Of course, this also effectively means that the possible cause of Mr White's suicide is effectively swept under the carpet. Little consolation then for Mr White's family to see Ms Hill given a big fat wad of money!

And the government's reaction to all this? Eric Pickles might be breathing a hefty sigh of relief that this embarassing woman has departed, but the best he could say about her replacement was that he hoped the salary offered 'would reflect the austerity of the times we are living in'.

If that's the best you can do Eric, then perhaps we should get rid of you as well?....

Happy Birthday, America

"Another year older, and deeper in debt..."

Amazingly as it may seem, due to the extended campaigning system in the USA, Obama's campaign for re-election is getting under way. Seems no sooner are you in office in the States than you are planning your next campaign. Whenever do they find time to actually run the country?...

BO isn't getting it all his way. Afghanistan is a major issue for him with Republican candidates taking an anti-war stance and his liberal supporters openly voicing doubts as to when he is going to honour is pledge to bring the troops home. In an attempt to appease his critics, he has announced the withdrawal of 33,000 US troops in 2012, but many will be waiting for the get out clause...

And to make matters worse, several members of Congress are openly critical of Obama's decision to take action in Libya - albeit as far as I can see, somewhat limitted action.

And in the light of all this, economic gloom lumbers on...

Confidence in the housing market is low. Just 45% of US homeowners now believe their home is worth more than the mortgage. And 70% believe it would be bad for the nation if a failure to increase the debt ceiling leads to a default on the federal debt. However, 56% believe the failure to significantly cut federal spending would be even worse - so damned if you do, damned of you don't

So maybe at the end of the day, it will all come down to whether a candidate emerges to challenge Obama who can make people believe that anyone else could  any better.

Frankly, I doubt it...

C of E loses plot on gay bishops

The man in the tea cloth is at it again - this time in relation to whether or not gay men can be ordained as bishops!

Apparently it is OK  - but only if they are celibate. Now it's obvious that the Church doesn't really want gays at all, but the problem is the Equality Act means employers cannot discriminate against someone on the grounds of sexual orientation, but provides for a "genuine occupational requirement" to be imposed.

This effectively allows the Church to exclude someone in a sexually active civil partnership, or to impose a requirement relating to sexual orientation to "avoid conflicting with the strongly held religious convictions of a significant number of the religion's followers".

How convenient!

Unfortunately this effectively means that if the person in question conceals his sexuality and just carries on on the quiet, he can be ordained - basically because he is lying. If, on the other hand, he is open and honest and enters into a civil partnership then he is excluded.

And in any case, how exactly is the Church going to establish celibacy. After all, the Catholics take a solemnly binding vow with God and it doesn't stop them!

Seems to me that stable, loving relationships should be encouraged regardless of the sex of the persons concerned. The law has moved on and it seems a shame the Church cannot.

The CoE has clearly lost it's moral compass on this one...

(You can read more about this story in the Express by clicking here)

Evening classes for men

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselors available

Rotten Boroughs : Kent County Council

Kent County Council's £197,000-a- year boss, Katherine Kerswell, has excelled herself by hiring six temps at a cost of up to £1,250 per day.

In a major reorganisation designed to save money, the Council employed three temporary directors. In their first three months, they cost the taxpayers of Kent £205,000 at a time when the council is cutting hundreds of jobs and slashing services in its biggest-ever financial-savings package.

Nine directors have taken redundancy since Mrs Kerswell joined as Managing Director in March last year, which doesn't exactly seem to instil confidence in her leadership. Their top-paid temporary replacement, Malcolm Newsam, earns £1,250 daily to oversee families and care. Alastair Pettigrew, head of specialist children’s services, costs £825, and Andy Roberts, at education and learning skills, £780.

The council expects to cut 1,500 jobs over four years and is trying to shave £165million from its budget over the next two.

Council leader Paul Carter said: “Kent County Council is going about this intelligently and in the best interests of taxpayers. The cost of interim directors, which includes the fees paid to the agencies supplying them, is a completely separate issue."

No, it's not Paul...

(You can read more about this story here)