Children in Need 2011

Yes, it's that time of year again. There's fuck all worth watching on tellie tonight because Pudsey is back...

Now, I know you are going to think that anyone who says that a charity appeal that raises so much for needy cheeldren should be taken off the air just because it's a load of purile, talentless shite is a fucking miserable bastard, but frankly I don't give a shit!

My wife was a single parent. Her first husband fucked off and left her holding the baby - the bastard! She didn't have two halfpennies to rub together or a pot to piss in, so she got off her arse and did whatever she had to do to put food in the baby's belly, clothes on its back and a roof over its head.

She did some really shitty jobs - and I mean really shitty. The sort of work that lots of people in this country would rather starve than do - except of course that in the modern welfare state there's no need to do these jobs. You just stick your hand out.

BBC Children in Need is just phase one of the charity barrage that signals the start of the Christmas onslaught in earnest. The chuggers are coming, and woe betide you if you tell them to bugger off!

I remember one year when I was doing a contact for the Royal Mail. Some spotty faced pleb with a bandage round his head and a big red bucket (who should have been inside the building working) stepped in front of me an refused to let me enter until I had put a quid in for Chldren in Need. I informed him that unless he wanted the bandage to actually perform its intended function, he needed to get out of the bloody way. He called me a miserable, tight fisted cunt.

This country is in the shit. Money is tight. Charity begins at home. Family first, everybody else second. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

When the big plastic Santa comes round on his lorry playing Christmas carols through a loudspeaker and they knock on my door, I don't answer it. When a tin is waved under my chin in the street, I ignore it.

I'm not tight fisted. I'm not miserable. But if standing my ground makes a cunt, then I plead guilty...