It's New Year's Eve so...

...don't behave like a drunken tit!

Review of the Year 2010 (part 3)

Concluding my personal review of the past year...

September :

The Labour leadership battle AND a Papal visit. My cup runneth over! The parable of Cain and Abel all over again in the gospel according to New Labour - or is it back to Old Labour? It's becoming rather hard to tell. The shock of it all was too much for me so I buggered off to Greece again for some more Metaxa therapy.

Having watched David Miliband commit political hari kiri (very gratifying), I was dismayed to see the deputy governor of the Bank of England talking out of his arse and still keeping is job. My piss bolier of the year was a geezer called Mr Bean telling us that we all ought to be spending more for the good of the country. Happy to oblige, mate - just give us our income back by raising the interest rates.

October :

A milestone month for me. To commemorate the Pope's rather unwelcome visit to the UK, I recorded a little number called the Ratshitter Rap which earned me the accolade of my first death threat and a nomination on 'Unforgiven' for being a blaspheming heretic after the post was picked up by the Catholic Herald. Great readership figures and proof positive that religious nutters have no sense of humour. I got my own back by nominating my detractors on '...is a cunt' as this seemed only fair!

Having had quite enough of that, I buggered off to the Pacific for a well earned rest...

November :

...returning in November. I got enough material from the very strange people I met and the even stranger bars I went drinking in to give me pretty much enough posts to keep me going until Christmas! This month also saw the launch of my Cunt of the Year Awards - although I suppose it was inevitable that no-one was ever going to beat the dreaded snot gobbler Brown. Maybe next year will be more competitive?

December :

Ah, the season of goodwill is upon us and herefore needs to be marked with a damn good riot. This was supposedly about tuition fees, but did coincide with the release of Gordon's new book which confirms for us irks that it was all someone else's fault and if we had only listened to him, then everything would have been alright. Well, it is the season of fairy tales I suppose and it would likely make a good pantomime.

Only time will tell what happens over the Wikileaks affair. It's certainly livened up the run up to Christmas!Will the CIA manage to screw Assange?  Will any of us still be able to speak our minds this time next year? Can the internet be censored? One thing is certain - they're certainly having a damned good try...

I hope you enjoyed the musical efforts I made and the posts I have put in in my first year. You have rewarded me with 25,000 hits for which I sincerely thank you. I will try to keep you entertained and informed for another year.

Have a great 2011 - enjoy it while you can as we have the crock of shit known as the Olympics to look forward to in 2012...

Review of the year 2010 (part 2)

Continuing my personal review of 2010 :

So who's going to get the top job, then? The cunt or the bastard?

May :

At last. The snot gobbling Gorgon is no more! I got myself an interesting little earner by staying up half the night at my local leisure centre and counting the votes. Actually I just wanted to make sure the bastard didn't sneek back in while no-one was looking. Looking back at the campaign, I think this might have been a defining moment when the internet in the UK really established itself as a credible outlet for serious - and not to serious - political debate. I certainly felt I was getting better at it, and rediscovered my musical side which I hope you all enjoyed listening to as much as I did making.

After all the excitement, I buggered off to Greece still not knowing who was PM. I missed all the drama, but the Metaxa tasted good...

June :

Things settled down in June for a good old fashioned English summer - namely loads of bloody sport! We were subjected once again to the sulking schoolkid antics of Andy Murray failing once more to win Wimbledon. But oh! the drama! And once we were over that, there was the bloody World Cup where our ex-manager - needless to say, a foreigner - took players with him who never even got a game! And you know what you can do with your vuvuzela!

And when that was all over, the government decided that the finances the Labour left them were even worse that expected so we'd need a good CRAP to sort it all out. "Things can only get better..."

And then I buggered off to the Lakes for a break, only to discover that the seat I was sat in outside the local pub was last occupied by a fellow shot indiscriminately by a madman with a shotgun called Derrick Bird.

July :

It's the silly season when nothing much happens, but this year was different, The Labour party were fighting over Gordon's vacant job, Harman was talking bollocks as usual, Cleggy was dropping a gooly by referring to the 'illegal iraq war', and everyone was arguing over spending cuts - which off course should only be applied to someone else and - it was conveniently forgotten - had been suggest by Labour as well!

But the big news was Raoul Moate. As if Bird was bad enough the month before, we had a another nutter with a gun running round. Sickeningly, some people thought he was a really good person which prompted a new blog 'Unforgiven' run by a mate of mine to redress the balance. It's worth a look...

August :

August saw the death of the speed camera, which I suspect didn't bring tears to many motorists' eyes. Also, students started getting arsey - a sign of things to come later - about the lack of University places mainly caused by our old friend Gordon again. And then of course there was the upcoming Papal visit. I got into a little hot water with my views on that one.

The final part of my review of the year tomorrow...

Review of the year 2010 (part 1)

As 2010 draws to a close, here's my personal look back at the events that shaped my last 12 months :

January :

On 12th January, a magnitude 7 earthquake hit Haiti, devastating Port-au-Prince. News that American missionaries were amongst the first people to bugger off home as soon as the airport re-opened made me so hopping mad, that I published my first post on the 19th.

And where are the poor people of Haiti now? Well, they're pretty much still in the shit - but at least the world has had time to forget about them. Gives you a nice warm feeling, doesn't it?

February :

Towards the end of the month, UK political scene was reverberating with the news that despite bollocksing up the economy and screwing just about everything, bankers were still paying themselves bloody great big bonuses. As usual, our toothless government led by the useless snot gobbler Brown didn't have a fucking clue how to deal with it! One wonders if the current government will do any better in 2011?

March :

It's budget time and the nation holds it's breath as Darling gives his last budget. Expected to be a giveaway in anticipation of the election that has to come soon, it turns out to be just another old chestnut from Old Labour. The usual taxes go up - booze, petrol and the like - and we get a new tax band just to prove that soaking the rich is still a traditional Labout sport. And of course there are the tax rises announced last time around which Labour hopes we will have forgotten about...

April :

Yes, there's going to be an election at the beginning of May! Looking at the runners and riders in this political donkey derby, it was hard to pick a winner from what looked to be a pretty lame pack. And the televised debates didn't exactly help - it just seemed that the right thing to do was to just agree with Nick in case of a hung parliament. It was an uninspiring campaign, livened up only by the biggest foot in the mouth moment for many a moon when Gordon called a life long supporter a bigot. The papers loved it! It was another Kinnock moment - and all the Labour high-up started jockeying into position to knife he bloke in the back at the earliest opportunity.

Even Blair turned out to put the knife in - by saying he supported him! That just about finished him off.

I loved the election campaign and really got into this blogging thing after a slow start. More stuff I liked tomorrow...

Christmas is over...

Alright, I admit it. Guilty. I hate Christmas. So call me a miserable old bastard...

I'm just glad it's all over for another year.

I'm sick of having to buy my wife a birthday card in July ready for her birthday in December...

I'm sick of trying to find a restaurant that isn't serving up roast fucking turkey and Christmas pudding...

I'm sick of the sycophantic crap I get from people being nice to me because it's Christmas but neglecting to invite us to the party they had back in the summer...

I'm sick of bloody Christmas muzac in all the shops...

I'm sick of having to buy slippers in December because it's the only bloody time of year you can get them...

I'm sick of having to spend money on things people don't want to give to people I don't even like...

I'm sick of bloody adverts on my telly for cheap nasty tat and donations to charities I've never even heard of...

I'm sick of fucking chuggers knocking on my door demanding money and being told I'm a tight fisted old bastard when I refuse to give them any...

I'm sick of people parking outside my house while they go off into town to get pissed and then throwing up Christmas spirit all over my door step at three in the morning...

I'm sick to the back teeth with having to pay through the nose for a tree to bring into the house to drop needles all over my fucking carpet and then just throwing it out afterwards...

I'm sick of getting stupid bloody bits of card in the post from people I don't remember, or never see, or I've bought stuff from, or companies trying to part me from my money...

I'm sick of my e-mail inbox clogging up every day with at least one mailing from Virgin Wines, Waitrose, Debenhams, Tesco, TruPrint, Holiday Extras, Denby and at least a dozen others...

But most of all, I'm sick of all the sanctimonious religious claptrap that goes with it from people who ouze platitudes and are the most insincere, two faced bastards...

John Lennon once wrote "Happy Christmas - war is over (if you want it)" - well sorry, John, but that's bollocks. War just starts again on Boxing Day, and the rest of the shit starts again in September!

It's just all so fucking false. And if this just means I am a miserable, cynical old bastard, then I plead guilty...

The day after Christmas...

I think John Lennon could have put this better, so I've improved it for him as a Boxing Day treat for you all...



I was going to run a video of him singing "Cold Turkey" but that seemed too cliche'd even for me!

On the other hand....



...does sound like a Boxing Day song to me!

Happy Christmas - with a song...

It's Christmas day, so frankly if you are reading this, then you too are a truly sad bastard!

Here's my musical Christmas greeting to you all...

A Christmas card

Wishing all my readers the very best for Christmas

What Christmas really means...

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2010 p.c. edition...

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her "How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?"
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth "An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God's child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings"
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying "That's the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch"
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph "I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig"
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying "I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs"
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying "Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need"
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. "Taketh no notice," sayeth her benefactor. "'Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali" 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth "I see three kings!"
13. And the first sayeth "Shit, girl, you been through it, ain'tcha? Have a swig of this.." and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her "I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins" and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her "Ah eh! I've nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out"
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth "Eee Ore! It's a fuckin' miracle..."

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 "We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car." All rise...

The Dear Gill letters (3)

Never mind WikiLeaks, here's Glam Sam's latest letter...

Darling, I simply can't tell you what a relief it is to be getting a few days off over Christmas! The kids are really excited, although Florrie hasn't a clue what's going on really - I expect she'll be a LibDem when she grows up ha ha!

I was up Oxford Street the other night for a spot of late night shopping. God what a mess those student persons have made of the place! Dave reckons most of the trouble makers weren't real students - they were just a load of wasters after a bit of smash and grab judging by the broken windows - saving the dole money for drugs and booze, no doubt!

Looks like we're going to have to have Christmas at home this year. Bloody politics! We were going to have a couple of really nice weeks lying in the sun in Thailand until some little shit leaked it to the papers. Next thing we know they're bleating on about the security costing 50k and how it's not fair to be taking that out the public purse when we're talking about poor old civil servants losing their jobs because of the cuts. I ask you? Most of these people sit around all day doing nothing anyway and deserve to be on the dole queue. And because of them we lose our lovely holiday! It's just not fair. Dave works so hard and we simply deserve a little me time to ourselves...

Dave's really chuffed about the Mexico climate conference thing. He says it's a really significant step forward and if it does all go pear shaped, he can always blame Chris - who bats for the other side, if you catch my drift. And if this green funding things goes ahead to help the poorer countries, we might even qualify for some lovely lolly ourselves given the state we're in! Mind you, given all the stuff that's been dropping out of the sky in Scotland, I bet they'd be all in favour of a bit of global warming.

Monday night Dave turned the lights on at the Olympic stadium. Between you and I, he's a bit peeved at being landed with the tab for that particular sportsfest. Old Gordon really lumbered us with that one, the tinker! And looking at all those floodlights it's difficult to see how we can afford the electricity bill, never mind the rest of it.

Anyway, best close as there's someone at the door - at least living in Downing Street we know it's not some ghastly chugger with a plastic bin and a plastic Santa on a lorry!

Have a lovely Christmas.

Royal Wedding souvenirs go on sale!

Get your official limited edition souvenir mugs of the forthcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Makes the perfect Christmas gift!

Only £35 - and all proceeds go to the Royal Collection Trust
Sure to sell out fast, so order now.

Just the gift for Christmas...

Following the success of our range of Papal Visit souvenirs, here's our selection of must have presents for this Christmas :

MICROWAVABLE SLIPPERS

Do you suffer from cold feet and wish there was a simple way to keep them warm? Well now you can with our super slippers!

Just pop them in the microwave for a couple of minutes and they'll keep your tootsies warm for hours.

Only £14.99 with free delivery

GOLD LACED FIZZ

Worried about the credit crunch? Well stuff it! We all need a bit of bling to cheer us up so here's our quality sparkling wine laced with real flakes of edible gold.

Decadent or what?

Get stuck in for £29.99

STEALTH LAPTOP CASE

Don't be a sap and get caught lugging that valuable laptop around in it's expensive executive case - slip into something stealthier. This case is indistinguishable from a real envelope and only costs £16.99

Also available in manilla from your Post Office for 99p

2011 CALENDARS

Don't settle for just any ordinary boring calendar for the coming year - go for something different with one of the following :

* The Best of British Roundabouts
* Birmingham's Outer Circle Bus Route
* Her Majesty's Prisons

A great talking point for only £9.99 each

PLOP TRUMPS

Have you ever wondered if zebra poop is harder than pig plop? Or if doggy doo smells worse than kestrel crud? Of course you have. And that’s why you need Plop Trumps.

This game of one upmanship is complete shite and it's only £5.99



* * * Want to take a guess at how many of these you think are real? * * *

Cunt of the Year - The Results!

Well, the voting is closed and I have been up all night counting and collating the results.

I am pleased to announce the results of the first Dioclese 'Cunt of the Year' awards....

Political Cunt of the Year :

Winner : Gordon Brown - by a huge margin. I guess not entirely unexpected?

Runner up : Dianne Abott - bit of a surprise, but the feeling was that anyone stupid enough to want to be leader of the Labour Party AND to think they would let a black woman have the job simply has to be a cunt.

Nick Clegg also got several dis-honourable mentions as a bit of a two faced cunt

UK Cunt of the Year :

Winner : PC Simon Harwood - the legallised G20 mugger who killed Ian Tomlinson and got away with it. I must admit I did wonder if it was him or the rest of us were the real cunts?

Runner up : Alison Fraser - the head of Sandwell Council. Say no more.

International Cunt of the Year :

Winner : The Pope - he seems to have got so many things wrong this year, doesn't he? Oh, no - hang on! He's infallible

Runner up : Herman von Rompuy - seems to be almost universally despised. Obama ran him close.

Sporting Cunt of the Year :

Winner : Andy Murray - for fucking up again at Wimbledon, being petulant amd wishing anyone but England would win the World Cup

Runners up : Sepp Blatter who not only didn't give us the World Cup, but also failed to take any action for his officials accepting bribes.

Personal Cunt of the Year :

Winner : "My ex-wife" by a mile. Surely we don't all have the same ex-wife? I have lumped these together with ex-partner, ex-husband and just plain ex but ex-wife predominated! I know the feeling...

Runner up : And my own personal favourite...
killemallletgodsortitout for the heartfelt 'My son-in-law. A politically-correct, pikey-loving, hoodie-hugging copper, who would nick his own Mother, Grandmother and kids if he could. Obnoxious, arrogant cunt.'

Lifelong Cunt Award : David Beckham for behaving like royalty at the 2018 announcement. I have added this personal award for Becks as he is getting a lifetime achievement award from the BBC this evening. As far as I am concerned, he richly deserves a lifelong CotY!


Thanks to everone who joined in. I'll do it again next year if I can be arsed...

Don't be a dick...

...Vote for a Cunt!

It's your last chance to vote for who you think are the biggest cunts of 2010.

Don't miss out. Results will be announced tomorrow, the same day as the 'BBC Sports Cunt Personality of the Year' awards...

(Mine are far more fun)

Rotten Boroughs : Suffolk County Council

Financial Expert Michael Gower has resigned from his job Suffolk County Council and accused them of wasting millions of pounds of taxpayers money at a time when budgets are tight.

Gower was brought in by the Council to manage a big contract with BT. Fewer that 2 years later he has resigned saying he feared that costs were rising out of control. The council insists the contract has led to better services and better value

In an interview with BBC Look East, Gower said "My attempts to manage a massive contract with BT to improve council services was ignored by those at the top. I felt that we weren't getting value for money. I felt that we were letting down the council tax payers. I felt that we weren't being professional."

6 years ago SCC and Mid Suffolk District Council partnered up with BT to form a joint company called Customer Service Direct (CSD). It would provide a call centre and web service for people to access council services, an overhaul of the councils communications internet and human resources, and a new internal finance system.

BT would plough £52m into the venture . The county council agreed to pay £323m over 10 years for the CSD contract. That has already jumped to £417m

"Now the council didn't want to put anybody up for interview" said the BBC, "but have pointed out that the extra £94m it spent is partly down to inflation . It said that the CSD contract has developed services which in turn has increased its value. It also points out that the project wasn't specifically set up simply to save money."

LibDem county councillor Andrew Cann commented "Well that's absolutely rubbish because I can remember all the hoo hah at the time and the council were saying it was a £300m contract that was going to save us £60m"

Michael Gower says that BT have done nothing wrong. "They were being extremely commercial and the council were being rather naive. The contract wasn't set up properly at the outset and that lead to us paying for a lot of services - or some services - which should have been included in the original contract. It led to ambiguity over what was in the contract and what was out of the contract."

Last year, the council's chief executive Andrea Hill attended two week long courses run by BT. They were based in San Francisco and Boston. Her costs were not funded by the council. That, says Michael Gower, could set the wrong impression.

"Well come on. There is no such thing as a free lunch. If you are taken to the United States on a training course there is bound to be some expectation that there will be some return on this" he said.

The council says that BT's training course is attended by council executives across the public sector. Both courses were fully approved by the monitoring officer and the council leader.

While Michael Gower takes 'time out' Suffolk County Council maintains that the contract is on course to deliver both savings and efficiencies.

Yeah - right! As far as I can see, this is a typical case of council ineptitude - a badly defined contract, spending out of control and dubious judgements.

This is a council led by a grossly overpaid Chief Exec (£220,000 per annum) who is not concerned about what other people think of her. Come on Pickles - get her and the others like her on their bikes now...

Wheel out the starving kiddies

"Do they know it's Christmas time at all...?"

Too fucking right they do! It's that time of year when the chuggers come out in force - bombarding your TV and newspapers with adverts, banging on your door and thrusting direct debits under your nose, driving round in a flatbed lorry with a plastic Santa on the back and a ghetto blaster, demanding that you put money in their buckets...

And have you noticed that the film crews and photographers always seem to wheel out the poor starving kiddies suffering in poverty in the third world? It's simple really. Children will tug at the heart strings and soak up money like nothing else.

So let's take a look at some of this relentless barrage :

Wateraid, Oxfam, UNICEF, Cancer Research, Care (who?), Dogs for the Disabled - to name but a few - all want your £2 monthly direct debits. Or £19 for the Salvation Army. Or a once off £15 for the NSPCC. Or why not adopt a jaguar? That's £3 a month, so they're clearly worth more than kids!

And the newspapers are never slow to jump in either. The Guardian, Telegraph, The Times - all upper class you notice, because their readers can afford it more than others, can't they? Well, fuck that because I can't afford a newspaper anyway...

And then there are the charity Christmas cards - which incidentally vary terrifically in how much they actually donate to the named charities concerned.

Here's a message for you all : Thanks to the Credit Crunch my income dipped this year by around £300 a week mainly due to dear Gordon raiding my pension fund and lowering interest rates on my savings to two thirds of fuck all. I've got no spare money, so don't bother to fucking ask. And you can bring a starving kid with you if you like so I can tell you both to fuck off!

And can you please send 'Age UK' around so I can ask them how much they are going to give me...

The truth about the Nazis and the EU

I think that my views on the EU - or the Fourth Reich as I refer to it - are fairly well known through my writings in this publication. However, these are the chilling facts :

By 1944 Germany knew that it was losing the war. On the 10th August, the Nazis met in the Maison Rouge in Strasborg - less than coincidentally now the home of the European Parliament - to make plans for the resurrection of their Greater Germanian dream after the fighting was over.

The details were reported in a now declassified US Intelligence Report reference EW-Pa 128 - known as the Red House Report. It details how Nazi officials ordered an elite group of German industrialists to plan for Germany's post-war recovery, prepare for the Nazis' return to power and work for a 'strong German empire'. In other words: the Fourth Reich.

The plan was for leading industrials to syphon money into Switzerland. These companies included Volkswagen, Krupp and Messerschmidt. Reresentatives of the Navy and Ministry of Armaments also attended. They decided that the future German empire would be built by economic rather than military force.

Although defeated militarily, powerful Nazi era bankers, industrialists and civil servants did rise from the ashes of the war but now presenting themselves as democrats. Together they have worked tirelessly for a new Europe based on ever closer economic and political union. The EU and the Fourth Reich are, indeed, one and the same thing.

If you doubt this remember the words of Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's propaganda chief, who once said: 'In 50 years' time nobody will think of nation states.'

The question I cannot answer is this : "Our leaders know all this, so why are we buying into it?"

If you want to know more, then there is an excellent article in the Daily Mail which you can read by clicking here

Sir Cliff's 2010 Christmas Song

I used to be in the music business, so I've used my influence to get Sir Cliff to re-record one of his old Christmas songs in the sure hope of landing that elusive number one he's been chasing for so long...

Death of the T-Shirt Trade

I have mixed views about tourism. It has undoubtedly fucked up the world big time and yet I would be hypocrite if, as a seasoned traveller, I denied but I am not in any way to blame.

On my recent trip around the Pacific, I have seen first-hand the way that tourism can completely ruin some of the most beautiful and exotic locations. But the damage appears to me not just be due to the almost total economic dependence on tourism, but - especiallly in the post credit crunch era - it is due to what happens when the tourists stopped coming.

Eventually it was bound to happen anyway as over commercialism took away the very features that attracted the visitors in the first place. But when you combine that with worldwide austerity, the process is disastrously accelerated.

Bora Bora conjures up the immediate image of the perfect romantic location. Like most of Polynesia, it has become hugely dependent on tourists. When they stop coming, the economic decline is immediate - hotels close, unemployment rises rapidly, shops have no customers.

The double whammy is of course that there are no other local industries to take the place of tourism because all has all been set aside in pursuit of the quick and easy buck.

If these places are to survive then, ironically, they need to return to the very images of life in paradise that they are trying to peddle, otherwise they have no future.

And, if I'm honest, it is largely their own fault...

The Snot Gobblers Guide to the Galaxy

This is a first for this blog. I couldn't have put this better myself, so I'm not going to try

What follows is an excellent review of Gordon Brown's new book by Supertzar.

When you read Tony Blair's response to the coalition's plans, when you consider the ideas Frank Field had to transform welfare in Britain, when you look at the spectacular growth in ultimately ineffective tick-box City compliance, when you consider the £6bn the UK Exchequer lost from selling the country's gold reserves or the decimation of private sector pensions, when you consider which country alone had a run on its banks or look at the level of indebtedness and structural defecit in the UK, you begin to notice a thread.

It's quite clear that the country has paid a high price for the grandiose delusions of Gordon Brown. Whether delaying welfare reform, jacking up taxes with precious little to show for it, reducing the UK's competitiveness, increasing spending in huge (Labour voting) swathes of the country to Soviet levels or crushing incentives to create the wealth we need to both close the defecit and pay down the £1 in every £4 spent that we currently borrow, this deranged, abusive, out-of-control lunatic has his hands all over the crime scene.

Having failed the first test of democracy he has faced outside of his constituency, one might expect Gordon Brown to have spent his time reflecting on his 'contribution' to the UK. Or perhaps make amends by devoting his time to serving his constituents. Not a bit of it. At the date of publication, the poor deluded folk of Kircaldy and Cowdenbeath have been represented in parliament for a mere handful of the 200 odd days for which their MP has been paid. Instead, Gordon Brown has devoted his time to knocking off this 300-page exercise in personal exculpation.

As he notes in his introduction, Brown is neither a financial expert nor an economist. Which might explain, but does not excuse, his lamentable diagnosis of the causes of the financial meltdown he fomented. It was all bankers paying themselves too much apparently. If only they'd paid themselves 10% less, all would have been fine. What about if public sector payrises had been pegged to inflation or a certain Chancellor hadn't raided - and thus destroyed - private sector pensions or what if the banking regulation system that had worked for hundreds of years had been left in place or what if the asset bubble had received some attention by, say, increasing the banks' capital adequacy ratios?

You can take your pick of brilliant hindsight-derived ideas, Gordon, but ultimately, you were in charge and your delusions about abolishing boom and bust meant you spent so much of our money, we now have to borrow just to pay off the interest. Your diagnosis is utter delusion from start to finish.

Nurse, the screens please...

93 Men in a Boat (7) : The Front Seaters

Do you remember the good old days when you could never get a sun bed because the Germans had covered them all with towels?

Well, this practice is alive and well - only these days it's not Germans or sun beds we need to worry about!

There's always one, and of course this trip was no exception. So in my final piece on stereotypical tourists, I shall concentrate on the Front Seater.

In the interests of fairness, we always disembarked by deck number and these were rotated so everybody got a fair shake. But this system does not, of course, apply to the front seater. No matter who was called first, he was always at the front of the queue.

Whenever there was a show ashore, he was always there in the middle of the front row, standing up in front of your camera whenever you tried to take a photo so he could get his first.

Every meal time, there he was with his face pressed to the door waiting for dinner to be called so he could be the first in the dining room and get his favourite table.

Even when we flew home, there he was first on the plane and, of course, first off the other end.

But his finest hour came whenever there was a presentation in the ship's lounge. Then he would send his wife down half an hour before the talk to save him his centre front row seat.

And she was bloody daft enough to do it - what a mug!...

Student protests - Democracy in action?

I think not...

Yesterday, thousands of 'students' descended on London to protest against the coalition Government's decision to allow universities to increase tuition fees. At least ten people have been arrested - including two arrests for assault on police, one on drunk and disorderly charges and six for violent disorder.

Twenty-two 'protesters' and nine officers are believed to have been injured. Six of the injured police required hospital treatment. In addition the Price of Wales' car was attacked, windows were smashed in Oxford Street and the Supreme Court building was vandalised.

And just to put the icing on the cake, in the true spirit of Christmas 'protestors' set fire to the Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square.

Note that I say 'students' and 'protestors' in inverted commas. They are not necessarily the same thing. I don't dispute that there is genuine bad feeling in the student community about the increase in fees, but at the end of the day these events have been largely orchestrated by left wing activists and anarchists. Anyone who doubts this, frankly, has rocks in their heads. Students exercising their right to lawful protest do not need to wear balaclavas...

Like the strikes of the Thatcher years, this is the first in the long line of 'events' orchestrated by the left to bring down a legally elected government. It's the way the left has always worked. It's the way it's working now. It's the start of another winter of discontent as this blog predicted some time ago.

I might perhaps have been less inclined to this view if the 'protestors' had been chanting "No to fees!" rather then "Tory scum!"

I support the right to peaceful protest and to freedom of speech. These are the cornerstones of democracy. I salute the members of the LibDem and Conservative parties who voted against these changes. They have followed their consciences and the wishes of their electorate. Some have resigned - quite rightly - from ministerial posts because of their beliefs. This is how democracy works and should continue to work.

What is not democratic is the rule of the mob. It should not be tolerated - now or ever.

The Dear Gill letters (2)

Continuing our raid on Samantha Cameron's post...

Well, it has been an eventful couple of weeks since my last letter and I'm sorry to hear that your brood were so upset about the World Cup thing!

At least some good came out of it - Dave was really delighted to be able to get away from it all and have a bit of time off in Switzerland. He loves the scenery there and the food! Well, how often do you get to have a good blow out for free? Not often these days especially after that awful expenses fuss last year.

To be honest Dave doesn't really like football but of course we have to pretend otherwise it's a real vote loser. After all, they played real football at his school. You know - rugby. He says it's much more of a man's game and he really doesn't see why kicking a ball round a bit of grass justifies paying some of these guys a hundred times more than he gets for running the country!

And having to spend time with that dreadful Beckham bloke? Well, Dave reckons the way he was strutting around the place it was hard to tell which was the real prince - him or Wills. Such a lovely boy and looks just like his mother. Wills that is, of course, not Beckham. He looks more like a 70's glam rock star these days. And that suit he was wearing! Where did he get it? Oxfam?

And to make things worse, I couldn't even go to a fashion show the other day without his appalling wife forcing her way in front of me at every photo opportunity. I said to her, I said "Who's the first lady here, dear? Certainly not you!" Talk about flashing the flesh in desperation - and have you seen the state of her legs? Everyone else seems to have. And what do the papers label me? 'Glam Sam'  - oh please!

Anyway, at least now Dave hasn't got to find the money to pay for the footie. That would have been a real bummer after all the money he's just had to lend to the Irish! At least I suppose we'll be alright for a few holidays in County Cork for the next few years. And the way things are going, we'll need a bolt hole to get away from the great unwashed.

Students can be just so undignified, don't you agree? Where are their parents, that's what I want to know? Daddy would have been simply appalled if I'd carried on like that I can tell you so please don't tell me you let your two go to that dreadful demo thing! And what's all the fuss about anyway? After all, Dave and I both had a paid for education, so you could say we were leading by example.

What got Dave going was the reaction from the LibDem lot - I mean I know they promised not to put the fees up, but let's be fair. After all, we all make promises we know we can't keep when we know there's no chance of getting elected. Look at what Gordon was promising!

Dave says the hardest thing to do in power is to keep your promises, having said which I need to keep mine and read the bedtime story tonight, so must close. Tonight's is a fairy story called the 'The LibDem Manifesto' - sorry, only joking yah?

The Fourth Reich marches on...

Herman and Angela : The new Adolf and Eva?

This week, we have seen yet more examples of the inexorable march of the Fourth Reich into the daily lives of the people the United Kingdom. Small inroads, admittedly, but inroads nevertheless...

Germany lost two world wars and one world cup to England, but by God they are certainly winning the third world war. Defeated when they tried force of arms to take over the whole of Europe, they seem to be winning the war of stealth. And we are dumb enough to fall for it!

The United Kingdon is now on Berlin time. A small victory admittedly bit a victory nonetheless! And now, the EU is dictating to our financial services industry how we should be setting our compensation limits.

Why on God's name are we falling for all this bullshit? No - I'll rephrase that - why are we rolling over and inviting the Hun to put his foot on our stomach?

Inch by inch - or should that be cm by cm? - we are surrendering our sovereignty and our daily lives to these bastards. How long I wonder before we have to use round plugs and drive on the right hand side and change all our speeds limits signs to kph? We have already had to dump our toilet cisterns - which don't leak - and use continental ones - which do - because 'they use less water' - even though they waste more in leakage!

Yes, I know all this sounds petty and trivial. But it's indicative of a slow and inexorable drain away of our rights and liberties and way of life. EU law takes precedence. Soon we will all be Germans. And worse - we are being stupid enough to volunteer for it.

Herr Chancellor Merkel and her puppet von Rumpey-pumpey are slowly destroying this nation - and, tragically, we are too bloody stupid to do anything about it!

93 Men in a Boat (6) : The Old Gits

Those of you who are fans of Fawlty Towers will remember the golden rule "Don't mention the war!"

Unfortunately, when you are saddled with the old gits at meal time, mentioning it doesn't seem to be a requirement as war memoirs seem to be a pre-requisite.

And don't think that being too young to have experienced it will get you off the hook, because it won't. You need to be educated as to the sacrifices that were made on your behalf.

My man had his legs crushed in '39, you know. They've never been the same since. That's why he needs a stick to walk. Of course, this assures him of the front seat of the coach on all the outings - a coach to which he seems quite capable of running and using his stick to prod the rest of us out of the way!

And his is also the ony opinion that matters. This is why he keeps touching his wife on the arm to shut her up every time she tries to say something!

And another thing - it's no use trying to interrupt him because he's deaf and doesn't like wearing a hearing aid. So the traffic is definitely one way - unless of course is to do with something they want in which case the hearing improves dramatically.

Just remember how lucky you are to have retired so young and have your reply ready - "Yes, and the harder I worked, the luckier I got."

It's lost on them, of course, because they're not listening...

Piss Boiler of the the Week

The Financial Services Compensation Scheme

"Ah", I hear you say. "That's fuck all to do with Euros!"

Wrong! A few days ago I got a letter through from a Building Society explaining the new limits for the Financial Services Compensation Scheme which - if you remember - guarantees the first £50,000 of your deposits in the event that your bank does a Northern Rock.

Well, that's all changing in the 1st January, 2011 because the Fourth Reich has decided that the limits of the scheme will, from that date, be €100,000.

"Hang on!" you say. "But the UK isn't in the Euro zone so why is it in Euros?"

The answer of course is that the high Fuhrer, Herman von Arsehole and Chancellor Murky say so and, as we know, EU law takes precedence over UK law. So now, if you want to know how much of your money is protected - well, it depends on the exchange rate.

And let's be honest, the way the Euro is going at the moment that could be anything...

Come on, Cleggeron. Get us the fuck of this shower of shit now. Britain has always been a trailblazer, so how about we are the first country to quit the EU?

It makes sense - which is more that this does!

Update + + + Common sense seems to have (sort of) prevailed and the FSA has decided that €100,000 will be called £85,000 until further notice!

Crap Bars of the World : Bloody Mary's

During our recent visit to Bora Bora, we had the opportunity to call in at one of the world's most famous bars, Bloody Mary's.

Responsible for inventing the world famous drink of the same name, it was established in 1979 and gained it's fame by patronage from the likes of Marlon Brando who was particularly fond of the place and had a house on the island. Our tour included a drink here, so it would have been churlish to refuse.

The first thing you notice when you pull up outside is two bloody great (excuse the pun) noticeboards with the names of all the famous people who have visited the place. Then you go in past a counter selling T-shirts into the main bar.

To be fair, we did drop 90+ people into the bar in one go, so that might have accounted for the feeling of darkness and claustrophobia, but I have a feeling that was probably just the same with 10 people! Anyway, the aforementioned and much hyped drinks were duly doled out and consumed.

Disappointingly, mine contained enough Tabasco sauce to take the skin off my throat as it went down. The cynical amongst us might think that this was perhaps to cover up the lack of vodka? Surely not! (I don't want to get sued.)

However, to check out this theory, I asked for a second one without the Tabasco. Eventually, after much difficulty with the language - which was odd as we were both speaking English - one was duly delivered. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding as mine seemed devoid of any taste of vodka as far as I could tell.

And the cost of this? Our cruise director doled out 69,000 Pacific francs - which is about £600 to you or around £6 a glass.

And,  if after all that, you felt inclined by buy one of their T-shirt advertising the place, they were a very reasonable US$ 39 each!

So my advice to you if you are looking for a bloody Mary on Bora Bora? Buy a carton of tomato juice and a bottle of vodka, go to Bloody Mary's and take a picture, sit across the road and look at it while you drink your own.

It'll taste better, cost less and you still get a look at the outside - which is actually a lot nicer than the inside...

93 Men in a Boat (5) : The Know-it-all

"I'm glad we're going to Samoa rather than Tonga," said Mr Know-it-all to me one evening over dinner. "It's so much nicer."

"Really" I replied. "Have you been there before, then?"

"No" he answered.

"Well I've been to both before, so I think we will have to agree to differ on that one..."

Now anyone with half a brain might decide to shut up at the point or perhaps change the subject. But that's the point of course. Mr Know-it-all only has half a brain, so he's not going to be out off by facts!

"Pago Pago has one of the most dramatic harbour approaches in the world", he went on.

"Really? Well it's got some quite pretty hills either side but I wouldn't have said it was particularly special."

"Oh, no" he went on. "You're absolutely wrong on that one!"

"Well," I said, "as it's in U.S. Samoa I can only assume you read that in an American guide book?"

On another occasion, a couple more clever bastards were lecturing me about a boat called the 'Atoll Explorer' that sails around the Maldives. They've been on it twice and it is, of course, the only way to do the Maldives you know. Well, sorry guys but I've been there 7 times and it certainly isn't the only way - although it is one of the most expensive!

And then there are the snorkeling know-it-alls or 'Pratfish' as I call them. These are the ones who leap in the water, yell their heads off at each other, swim flat out at a full crawl whacking their fins on the surface of the water and then complain afterwards that they didn't see any fish. Well of course you didn't, you dopey sod! You scared them all away!

But my favourite type of pratfish is the 'Finless Pratfish'. In my humble opinion, anyone stupid enough to throw himself into open water in the Pacific Ocean without wearing fins has a serious death wish.

Several years ago, we were in the Seychelles and three of us went off the beach snorkeling. One of us had no fins. We hit a strong current and decided to go in  - rapidly! Unfortunately, we hit an undertow and couldn't get in to the beach. It was a case of 2 feet forward and 3 feet back. And even worse, the one without fins was getting swept out even faster.

We linked arms and used our fins to work with the inward surges and managed to do 3 feet forward and two feet back. Slow progress, but at least it was progress and we lived to tell the tale, but without our fins, our friend would definitely have drowned.

I told a couple of finless pratfish this story. One listened, but the know-it-all didn't. I told him that if he decided to drown himself there was no way I was coming to help him.

Death by stupidity is a common but none-the-less terrible thing...

2018 : The nation is gutted



The three stooges : Beckham, Wills and Cameron in Zurich

Every household in the nation was gutted last night as it was announced that England will not be hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup.

Well, no actually. That's bollocks...

Mrs D and I heaved a hefty sigh of relief when we found that this monumental waste of time, effort and money will not be coming to our shores. Indeed, when it was announced that we only got two votes - frankly one more than I expected - we almost found an excuse to crack open the bottle of Bolly that's languishing in my kitchen cupboard waiting for an excuse to be drunk!

And there's even more bollocks to be found. Here's some reactions :

"This decision has cost the UK about £4 billion." Bollocks! More likely it's saved us 7 or 8. Just look at the bill for the bloody Olympics.

"We need to have an enquiry into the state of English football." Bollocks! The opposition is jumping on the bandwagon. We don't need an enquiry - we're just no fucking good at the game.

"FIFA are sending a message to the world about where they want the World Cup." Bollocks! That's why they had an announcement yesterday, you prat!

"It's desperately sad." Bollocks, Dave! It's a bloody relief you don't have to spend all that money you keep telling us we don't have.

"The BBC didn't do us any favours." Bollocks! The BBC did us a huge great bloody favour!

And why did Russia get the World Cup?

Well, they probably know more about corruption than just about anyone else on the planet, so it's obvious : we simply didn't offer a big enough bribe...

93 Men in a Boat (4) : The Champagne Socialist

As my regular reader will confirm, there's nothing I hate more in life than a bloody hypocrite - and the worst sort of hypocrite is the champagne socialist. You know. Bastards like Blair for example....

Anyway, I will not embarrass myself or you by telling you how much this latest trip cost us, but it does not take a genius to work out that 5 weeks in a boat cruising the South Pacific doesn't exactly come cheap! I don't think there were any poor people on board unless, of course, you count the crew and the expedition team.

While we were on a coach trip around Tahiti, we had an English guide who was married to one of the locals. At one point, she asked how things were going back home. One idiot immediately yelled out "We've got a bloody Tory government now that wants to put 490,000 of us out of work." My response was "That's about two million too few, chum."

Turns out that this paragon of the Socialist State works in local government, so might might ask how the fuck he can afford this trip in the first place on the back of the taxpayers' money?

But I digress...

One of our fellow passengers was injured in a fall on the bus. A sort while later, Mrs D was enquiring as to her well being, and commented that on a previous trip the boat seemed to have enough doctors on board to start up our own hospital. This was enough to prompt this twat to launch into a major rant about doctors' pay rates. "Well", she replied looking him straight in the eye. "There aren't any poor passengers on this trip either!"

This was like a red rag to a bull, and off he went again. "Some people can afford these things easier than others!"

Well, matey, this is what I suggest : The next time you are in agony and fearing for your life, after the operation just pay the surgeon half of what you were prepared to give him before he treated you.

But the piece de resistance in respect of this useless, two faced, hypocritical bastard is that his cabin was on the next deck up - so it cost even more than ours! What a prat!

The Dear Gill letters (1)

The first of a (possible) series of letters from Samantha Cameron...

Many thanks for your last letter which has cheered me up no end. Dave has been a right old grump since he came back from a meeting with that dreadful Merkel woman. 'Old Murkey' we call her - always the prophet of doom and gloom, always trying to screw more money out of us. When is she going to get the message that we just haven't got any, I wonder?

I had lunch the other day with Sarah Brown. I have to say she looked completely out of place in the Cafe Royal, but then they'll let anyone in there these days. Standards have just dropped so low...

There was lots of baby talk before she eventually got to the point. She seems to think that if we can wangle Gordon a job in the EU Finance Ministry then he reckons he could sort out all this nasty Euro business that's been going on. I didn't like to say so, but wasn't it his fault that the country went broke in the first place? As far as I can see, the EU lot seem to being doing all right on that front by themselves without any more help from Gordon.

Still, I have to say that that Nick Clegg is a really lovely bloke. Dave says he's always willing to take his share of the flack when things go pear shaped. Can't say I take to his wife though. She's alright, but she's Spanish you know - so she keeps banging on about how Spain could be the next country to go down the pan. Seems to be trying to help them by getting through the Rioja though, if you catch my drift?

Nick used to be an MEP, so Dave has to be just SO careful in what he says about 'The Fourth Reich' as he calls it in case Nick gets upset. We need his votes to stay at number ten otherwise I'm going to have to running up the bills in the Harrods' soft furnishing department again. The drapes here were just so GHASTLY that we simply had to change them. That last bloke had such awful taste. And they cost a packet, so jolly good job the tax payer's picking up the bill, yah?

Anyway, must close now as Florrie's yelling. I know I said I'd do anything to help Dave get the job and she's such a little poppet, but at times like this I really wonder if it was worth it! And now that dreadful Miliband person's gone and jumped on the bandwagon and had one of his own. Politicians, eh! Who'd have 'em?