Tuesday, 30 November 2010

93 Men in a Boat (3) : The Superior Bastard

I first came across this type in the last bastion of British colonialism, Barbados.

There, the rich white Englishman feels free to exercise his undying belief that the slave trade is indeed alive and well and that he therefore has the God given white to abuse the wogs in any way he chooses. I hate these fuckers with passion!

Of course, when this type is cross pollinated with the miserable fucker (see previous post), then they really are something to behold...

The staff on our boat were extremely polite and exceptionally helpful and I really did feel unable to tolerate them taking abuse and not being in a position to answer back. Because of this, I feel honour bound to offer them my modest support and assistance whenever it becomes appropriate.

When this happens, Mrs D usually finds it necessary to retire either to our room or to the bar, depending on the circumstances and her mood at the time.

Unfortunately, on this occasion we were on an outing. The nasty little turd in question proceeded to attack one of the expedition crew for removing an empty cup before he had finished with it. Needless to say, he got both barrels from me on that one.

These people seem to suffer from a total and absolute lack of any obligation to display manners. I had the audacity to stand alongside one of these pigs one evening while a slide show was being displayed. Whilst minding my own business, he whacked me on the arm and yelled "Move! My wife can't see!"

Rather taken aback, I simply replied "And what's the magic word?" He glared at me and made no response, so assuming he was either deaf, stupid or both I inserted my face 6 inches from his nose and asked, rather loudly, "Did you mean to say would you mind moving aside please, you fucking ignorant ill mannered cunt?"

But the thing that always amuses me the most about the genus 'bastardus superiorii' is that I never seem to re-encounter these people in business class on the way home...

Monday, 29 November 2010

Thomas goes ashore

Continuing his exciting holiday on Misty Island, today watch as Thomas goes ashore...


Sunday, 28 November 2010

An open letter to Ian Hislop

Dear Ian,

I assume that the comment you published in the Eye issue 1273 is in response to my previous two - unanswered - e-mails regarding the gratuitous filching of material from this blog to help swell the pages of your esteemed journal.

[ For the benefit of readers, this comment read : "Visit our website www.zzz.org and have your say, which we can then put in the newspaper tomorrow in our 'What the Bloggers Say' column, which replaces the old news section which we had to pay people to write." ]

As I have previously stated, I find it flattering that you find my stuff worth plagiarising and am not seeking remuneration for my creativity. However, I do feel you could at least do me the courtesy of awarding a by-line by way of acknowledgment.

In future, I shall feel free to return the compliment by filching your stuff. I shall also be embellishing my modest publication with the logo "As featured in Private Eye" as this seems only fair...

Yours sincerely,

Dioclese

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Great Bars of the World : Christian's, Pitcairn Island


This is Jackie. Jackie is an elderly Frigate Bird who lives on a perch outside the window at Christian's Bar on Pitcairn Island. She is entirely wild, and she just comes here because she likes it, which just about sums the whole place up...

I have been to some friendly places in my time, but Pitcairn has to be in my top five, and I don't think the welcome had anything to do with the fact that we were the only tourist boat to call there this year - apart from the same boat on the outbound leg a few weeks previously.

Christian's - yes, it is owned by a direct descendent of the Bounty's Fletcher Christian - is spectacularly unpretentious. We sat in the back sun room of the place looking out towards Bounty Bay chatting with the family and drinking beer. While we were there, lunch arrived. "Help yourself," they said. "There's plenty to go round."

This was honest, genuine hospitality at it's finest. Pitcairn is one of the remotest places on the planet, but they do seem to have retained something that the rest of us have lost along the way and, sadly, until you go there you won't even think about it. If they could bottle it and export it they'd make a fortune...

It's called 'humanity'

Friday, 26 November 2010

93 Men in a Boat (2) : The Miserable Fuckers


My old Dad used to have a saying : "Give some people your arse and shit through your ribs, and they still wouldn't be happy..."

I like to think of myself as a one of life's fairly happy types (No, really). But some poeple go through life with a face like a slapped arse. The sun is too fierce. It's raining, where's the sun? The music's too loud. I can't hear anything. You get the picture....

There was a woman on our ship who looked like she's just swallowed a pint of vinegar. Jesus, was she a miserable bastard! Never mind water into wine, she could turn wine into vinegar just by looking at it. We nicknamed her Morticia after the character in the Munsters because, unfortunatey for her, she had the same white streak in her black hair. The poison dwarf accompanying her we called Lurch. Neither of them ever smiled, but at least they kept to themselves...

When we got to Tahiti, we chucked a load of people off and got some fresh victims passengers. At dinner the first night, we were joined by an old biddy that we had sailed with once before. Christ, was she a miserable old bastard!

She got off to a flying start by telling me that she thought the captain on our previous trip - who had become a personal friend of ours - was fucking useless. Needless to say when I told her of our relationship and that I totally disagreed, that did nothing to put her off her stride.

Her next trick was to complain about the anchor noise in her forward cabin and insist on being moved to a different - and more expesive, of course - cabin. When this didn't swing it, she complained that her toilet was broken and that the bathroom smelt of piss. I may be wrong, but I seem to remember she had a similar problem on the previous trip? I told her exactly what I thought of her and, thankfully, she refused to talk to me after that.

But if you really want to see a bunch of miserable cunts, then go to Aitutaki for an hour's lagoon cruise in open boats followed by a beach barbeque - all in the middle of a relentless tropical downpour. That really sorts out the men from the boys...

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Cunt of the Year Awards 2010

Vote now for your personal favourites for the title Dioclese "Cunt of the Year 2010"

It's that time of the year again where we all get together to pat ourselves on the back! We've just had the Emmies, so I thought that to coincide with the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards on 19th December, I'd launch my very own "Cunt of the Year" awards to coincide with theirs...

Here are the categories, together with my personal nominations :

Political CotY : Gordon Brown for bigotgate and the 2010 election campaign

UK CotY :  Teresa Bystrum for being so fucking stupid she thought that Raoul Moat's funeral was better for her kids than Disneyland

International CotY : Herman van Rompuy for being an unelected string of piss and for being stupid enough to think anyone could actually run the EU.

Sporting CotY : Tiger Woods for crapping all over his wife in public and then being incapable of hitting a golf ball afterwards

Personal CotY : "John" in the next cabin on my Pacific cruise, for being a front seater, crashing bore, hypocrite, know-it-all and superior bastard all at the same time and also for coughing his guts up at all hours of the day and night for 31 fucking days solid! Definitely my personal 'Cunt of the Year'

Your personal CotY can be anyone, not just someone we might know but please tell us why. It'll make you feel so much better to get it off your chest!

Voting closes on Saturday, 18th December and results will be announced on the following day to coincide with the BBC's version.

VOTE NOW by leaving a comment on any post. Please join in or I'll sulk...


If anyone would like to add the banner to their site and join in the fun, here's the code below to redirect them back to this page

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Click on the logo above to find out how...

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

93 Men in a Boat : (1) The Crashing Bore

As my regular reader will be aware, I have just spent the last last five weeks swanning across the Pacific from Easter Island to Fiji.

I have done this in the presence of a microcosm of Society and thought I would like to share with you my insights into the interesting types I have been spending time with - or, to be honest, avoiding!

(Actually there were 94 of us in the boat - but who's counting?)

First, we had a few examples of that most fascinating of English and, indeed, Scottish stereotypes : "The Crashing Bore."

The first one buttonholed me whilst we were still in the airport at Santiago. He was a retired university administrator. He had two topics of conversation, namely work (from which he had retired 10 years previously), and railways. Frankly, I couldn't have given a flying fuck how re re-organised the university communications department, or how he used to administer his vehicle fleet, or how he built a model railway from scratch in his garden shed. I cared even less after the lecture was delivered for the fifth time!

Then there was the Scottish golf bore who wore a stupid hat, an even more stupid shirt and bore a striking resemblance to Cosmo Smallpiece. Oh, and he used to get pissed quite a lot as well. He droned on and on about how he marshaled the 17th at St Andrews in 1976, clearly the one 'interesting' thing he ever did in his tedious little life. People avoided studiously allowing him to sit with them at dinner. One afternoon, I watched in amazement as the person he was boring actually fell asleep! He failed to notice...

But the most outstanding examples were the Samoan genealogy bores. His wife would ramble endlessly on about how her husband's ancestor jumped ship in Samoa in order to shag the arse of a local dusky maiden and how they were staying on in Samoa to visit distant relatives. She told me this story twice having clearly forgotten that she had already told me once - and there was no stopping her. Then I had to listen to her telling someone else. And after we had all died of boredom? Well, she did it all again - with photographs! Dozens of them!

By the time we actually got to Samoa, I was already sick of the place!

But to all these people and their like, I would like to give just a few simple words of advice :

Get over yourself and get a life, because no-one gives a fuck...

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Thomas and the Lost Luggage

Have you ever had one of those starts to a holiday?

You know - where you fly all the way to Chile only to find that your luggage is taking a city break in Madrid? And then when two of your bags actually turn up the next day at Easter Island, one has decided it simply can't tear itself away from Santiago?

Well this is how it feels...




Monday, 22 November 2010

I'm back - and so's Gordon!

Well, I'm back. Totally shagged out after two 11 hour flights, so you'll hopefully forgive me if I am a little lethargic in picking up the reigns again...

Meanwhile, here's a little I-Spy that I spotted out of the window at LA airport :


My God, I thought Blair had some money making ideas, but getting your face painted on the tail fin of every jet in the Air Alaska fleet? No wonder they got rid of Sarah Palin!

(Note for Ian Hislop : You can have this one for the I-Spy section in the Eye, but rest assured I will deal with you later. Watch this space...)

Sunday, 21 November 2010

One last beer...


All good things come to an end, so time for a last beer before we go off to the airport.

I have been here before and I have to say this is really one of the world's great beers - especially when you sit here to drink it. Thoughts now of the long flight home via Los bloody Angeles, which really is NOT one of the world's great airports!

Oh - and before I forget - that last picture was of the clock outside the International Dateline Hotel in Tonga.

Normal blogging will be resumed shortly...

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

What day is it?


Last time out we were in the Cook Islands

Today - is it today or yesterday - we have crossed the date line. This is a well known landmark so you might get this one...

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Chef's special



The answer to the last one was Bora Bora in the Society Islands.



The place we're in today is named after this geezer and there's a clue in the title...

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Same shit, different island...


Yes that was an easy one really. It was Tahiti.

Four days on and we're not bored (hint!) here...

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Hula, hula!


OK I admit the last one was a bit tough. The answer is Tuamotos (Two motors -geddit?)

Half way through now and this is an iconic picture so it should be easier for you. There is an airport here and most of the passengers are flying home. We're staying on for the second leg.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Another cryptic one...


The one I bet nobody guessed last time out was Puka Rua on the outer fringes of French Polynesia.

Today, here's another cryptic clue. Get out your world atlas and go another 4 days sail west of Puka Rua and see if you can work this one out...