Red Ed to release solo album !

News just out that "Red Ed" Miliband has split from Los Milibandos and is to release a solo album...

 Comprising cover versions of well known songs, here's the track list with original artists in brackets :

1. The Carnival is Over (Seekers)
2. Leader of The Gang (Gary Glitter)
3. Dance With The Devil (Cozy Powell)
4. He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (Hollies)
5. We're All Crazy Now (Slade)
6. He's Gonna Step On You Again (John Kongas)
7. Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits)
8. Gonna Get Along Without You (Viola Wills)
9. The Harder I Try (Brother Beyond)
10. Tired of Toeing the Line (Rocky Burnette)
11. I Scare Myself (Thomas Dolby)
12. Road to Hell (Chris Rea)
13. Wishful Thinking (China Crisis)
14. Dreams Are 10 a Penny (Kincade)
15. Shattered Dreams (Johnny Hates Jazz)

TOMORROW : Exclusive video of the single from the album. Watch this space!

P.S. - A note for Ian fucking Hislop :
Feel free to steal this post for the Eye, but this time at least give me a byline - which is more than you did last time.

A Postcard from Greece [4]

Back in May, I was extolling the virtues of Nionio's Taverna in Paxos. Well, I've found another one that's pretty bloody good too!

In the village of Kioni on Ithaca there are 5 tavernas, one mini market and quite a lot of yachts and their attendant yachties. They're a strange bunch, but some of them are quite sociable - apart from the snobs of course! You can tell who they are because they promenade up and down the waterfront in their boat shoes (and what exactly is the point of fucking up perfectly good casual shoes by running bits of string around them?) with their sweaters draped across their shoulders. Pissy poncey coloured sweaters of course!

We talked to a few - we're not proud - and once they know we are staying here and have been here for a while, they ask which is the best restaurant in town? This is how it works:-

The one at the end by the yatchs is OK but it catches all the wind, the service is indifferent and it's a bit pricey. We ate there once in 14 days.

Next is the one that all the flotillas seem to go to. Tables for 20 are the norm. I suspect that it is run by the brother or cousin of the guy running the flotilla! There are rumours that they buy in preprepared food to cope with the volume. I don't know if it's true, but the moussaka certainly tasted and looked like it!

At the furthest end of the waterfront there was a man spit roasting a pig. Every night. Very visually appealing, but the minute it comes off the spit it's gone! We had a couple of passable steaks in there one night. It was a bit pricey and we didn't bother going back. That leaves the two in the middle.

One always seemed empty. Someone told he had never had a decent meal in there, but we ate there one night and were quite satisfied. It had probably the cheapest wine on the block which was perfectly drinkable.

Mythos Taverna was the one for us. We ate there seven times. His meatballs are to kill for. Ditto his fried cheese. Light and delicate. They do a lemon casseroled chicken which melts in your mouth and a Greek chicken pie that is very solidly chicken. The veal in a brandy and orange sauce is fantastic. The pork steak fills your plate and is expertly grilled over charcoal. And the house wine to wash it down with? The best in town - especially the rose. I could rave about the place all week, it's that good. Last night the bill with a litre of wine was €28.

So why isn't he packed out? Beats me. All the people who ask us - and there have been quite a few - eat in the expensive one nearest to the boats. I guess that's yatchies for you. Style over content!

Piss boiler of the Year

Once in a while there is a statement by some complete cunt that gets me close to throwing a brick at the TV whilst simultaneously bursting several blood vessels. This is one of them !!!

Some fucking idiot at the Bank of England has decided that savers should stop moaning and start spending in order to hasten the economic recovery.

Charles Bean, the Deputy Governor, says that older households could afford to suffer because they benefitted from property price rises.

Mr Bean (you couldn't make that name up could you?) said he "fully sympathised". But he continued: "Savers shouldn't necessarily expect to be able to live just off their income in times when interest rates are low. It may make sense for them to eat into their capital a bit."

He added: "Very often older households have actually benefited from the fact that they've seen capital gains on their houses."

Well that might be all right for highly paid public servants with fucking great index linked pension pots paid for by the tax payer, but what about all us ordinary citizens who rely on their savings - hard earned savings I might add - to provide them with a living income to supplement the pathetic state pension ??

And to put that in perspective, according to the Bank of England 2010 Annual Report, Mr Bean's salary was over £250,000 a year and he added £188,000 to his pension pot - now worth over £1.4 million -  so what the fuck would he know about living off his savings?

In the last couple of years - thanks in part to the same aforementioned fucking idiot cutting base rate - my savings returns have sunk from around 7% to well under 3%.

So let's try a little experiment. Let's cut the fucking idiot's pay by 60% and see how he gets on...

Red Ed - it's official !

By satellite phone from the caves of Afghanistan, official endorsement of Miliband as the new anti-capitalist leader of the Labour party...

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A little late night mischief

Bananaman Bites the Dust [2]

Sorry, but it's was just too much to resist. The rustling sound at the end could be Freddie turning in his grave...

A Nun's Vow of Poverty

OK. It's Sunday, so time for my regular look at the workings of religion - and, believe me, this one is a real piss boiler...

According to the Daily Telegraph, "A Benedictine nun who faces an impoverished retirement is challenging the Government's refusal to give benefits to members of religious orders.

Sister Mary Scott, 74, and one other nun run the Oulton Abbey community near Stone in Staffordshire, where they manage a small nursing home and playgroup, but she is getting too old to keep working.

Sister Mary has never been paid, so never paid National Insurance, and what money she makes goes on food and clothes.

A Government regulation excludes 'members of religious orders who are fully maintained by their order' from pension credits, but her lawyers argue that the abbey is not supported by the Benedictine order which has no central hierarchy. She has been given permission to take the case to the Court of Appeal.

Her barrister, Stephen Knafler QC, said poverty was an 'endemic' problem facing the country's 5,000 remaining nuns and 1,400 monks, most now past retirement age."

Well of course it is, you stupid bugger! It's endemic because they take a vow of poverty! Although clearly in the light of the scandal of child molestation by priests, religious vows count for fuck all these days!

And another thing, if she has "never been paid", where did she get the money from to spend on "food and clothes"?

You two faced, hypocritical bastards! I hope that this is all going down in St Peter's ledger ready for your day of judgement. You make me sick, the lot of you!

Bananaman bites the dust!

Could this be the end for our intrepid superhero?

Will he ever triumph over the evil talking horse Mr Ed?

Do we give a flying fuck? 

Ed Miliband wins it!

 Today's lesson is taken from the book of Genesis, Labour Party edition...

1. In the time of the gathering, Ed presented himself to the conference as an offering to the Party. And David also presented himself.
2. The Party had regard for Ed's offering, but they did not have regard for David's offering. David was furious, and he was downcast and his face fell.
3. Then the Party sayeth unto David , "Why art you furious? And why art you downcast? Why hast thy face fallen?
4. If you do right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it." 
5. And David said unto his brother Ed "Let's go out back unto mine gaff for a beer."
6. And while they were there, David attacked his brother Ed and killed him.
7. Then the Party said to David , "Where is your brother Ed?"
8. "I know not," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"
9. Then the Party said, "Why have you done this thing?"
10. And David answered, "My loss was too great to bear never to sit again in shadow cabinet for my brother forgives me not for challenging him."

 Here endeth the lesson....

The Leadership Song

Due to the announcement tomorrow of the name of the poor sod picking up the poisoned chalice of the Labour Leadership, I have interupted my flow of postcards to celebrate with the inevitable song.




Somehow you just knew I would, didn't you?...

A Postcard from Greece [3]

Now that we are all one big federal country called the Fourth Reich European Union, I'm drawn to reflect on what makes us all so compatible...

After all, the Greeks and the Brits are all citizens of Greater Germania Europe, so we must have a lot in common.

For example, the Greeks didn't want to join the euro but no one asked them either! Ditto the European Constitution. So common ground there already. What else? Well, almost everything in this apartment is home made. Can we say that in Britain? The last rental place I stayed at in England everything was imported - mainly from China I seem to recall.

Smokers here are allowed to kill themselves if they want. No health warnings on their fag packets! They simply wouldn't tolerate it. Fruit and vegetables are odd shapes. No dictate here on the shape of strawberries or the size of tomatoes. They chuck 'em into boxes and you pick what you want. You won't find that in Tesco!

Hours and not regulated (well, not enforced anyway!) and you can take the kids in with you so they can get a lemonade while you sup your ale. And people are actually allowed to take responsibility for their own actions. How refreshing!

And all those directives from the Reichstag EU commission we are so quick to implement in the UK? The Greeks just ignore them. As one local told me "They can do what they like in Athens. It's not really relevant here."

So what we have in common with the Greeks? Bugger all - the lucky sods!

A Postcard from Greece [2]

As I lie here soaking up the sun, I reflect that this is the remotest corner of the great European empire. The end of the road on the almost last island in the chain. Just across the water is foreign. You know, not the EU.

This must be how the Roman legionnaires felt when they were posted to the last bastion of the Roman Empire - or as we know it - the Scottish border. Nothing but savages beyond this point...

It's so quiet and peaceful. But of course that's the point. As we all know, the Greek economy is fucked together with pretty much all of the rest of the Euro zone except Germany. They have their own agenda. So maybe that's why it's so quiet. Everyone else is in Turkey - with the foreigners!

The exchange rate has improved since I was here in May (€1.10 now €uro 1.16) but nowhere near where it used to be (€1.45) but any slight improvement has been offset by the latest Greek VAT increase. Your restaurant bill has increased to 11% VAT from 8% last time out and non foods - e.g. essentials like beer, wine, ouzo and metaxa -now carry a whopping 23% VAT. Even in the local currency, restaurant bills are also up. A meal for two will now set you back around €35 where it used to be about €25 year a few years back.

Still, a few good things that can still be found. The red wine I am drinking as I write this comes in a 5 litre plastic bottle and is surprisingly good for the equivalent of about £1.20 a bottle.

Cheers!...

A Postcard from Greece

OK - I'm back off holiday, but we all know that we get home before the postcards, so here's one I wrote earlier...

Last time I was in Greece, back in May, I'd not been here for a few years and was wondering exactly where the Greece I remembered - not quite of my youth because these days my memory isn't that good - had disappeared to!

Well, I'm pleased to report that it still exists although, as you would expect, it's a damn sight harder to find these days than it used to be. I'm resisting the temptation to tell you where I am because, frankly, I'd like to keep it to myself. Suffice it to say that it took a four hour flight, a 40 minute bus ride, 45 minutes in a boat and a half hour taxi ride to get here - and you know when you've arrived because the road doesn't go further than the village. Lovely!

We've got a simple appartment over a small shop painted as you expect in white with splashes of deep blue. There's a big terrace with a table, two comfy chairs and a pair of sunbeds.The mini market (there's only one!) is literally 50 yards away and the harbour front has five restaurants and a couple of coffee shops. It's exactly how I remember Greece twenty 20 years ago apart from the mobile phone mast and the Internet cafe.

But if that's the only modern incursions, then I can handle it!

Going Green

I just got a mailing from Homebase of all people extolling the virtues and economics of going green by installing solar electricity panels on my roof.

So in the interests of saving the planet, let's take a closer look at what's on offer :

(1) "Solar PV panels convert light energy from the sun into electricity. Although they work best in full sunlight, they'll still work if it's cloudy." But as I heat and cook by gas, I use most electricity when it's dark. I asked. They don't work at night.

(2) "Get paid for every unit of electricity you produce, and even more for what you don't use." Apparently this works because "you'll be paid up to 41.3p***** for every unit of electricity you generate and an extra 3p for every unit you don't use and export to the electricity network". Sounds great, but "***** Based on retrofitting a solar photovoltaic system of less than (or equal to) 4kW in an existing, eligible property. Additional costs may be incurred." Additional costs? Hmmmm....

(3) So how do we get the figures then? "Remote monitoring of your system, from a smart meter fitted in your home****." Whoops - more asterisks. Ah - "**** The performance monitoring service also includes automated meter reading and is offered free for the first year to give you confidence in your installation. If you'd like it for longer, it can be continued at a charge of £4 a month." To put it another way, they charge you to meter it.

So cutting right to the chase, let's look at the costings :

A typical example* (Uh oh - another asterisk!)

Cost of our home solar power system  =  £11,150
Total savings on electricity bills  =  £2,426
FiT generation payments  =  £19,866
FiT export payments  =  £721
Total profit  =  £11,863

Looking good? Well, until you consider that "With a typical installation, you could break even in just under 13 years, giving you another 12 years of profit. You could make up to £700 in the first year alone and benefit from a typical annual rate of return of over 7%"

Also the 'optional' £4 per month metering charge more than wipes out your export payments. So it costs more to meter it than you get for exporting it.

And there are a lot of asterisks, and a lot of uses of the words 'typical' and 'could' in there, so I guess I need to simplify it for you :

If you are not thinking of staying in your house for at least 13 years, forget it. If you go to work all day and burn electric at night, forget it. If you don't think lashing out eleven grand to save 'up to' 'typically' £700 quid a year is a good return, forget it. And if you think it will save the planet, forget it.

I know where my £11,150 is going. Where's the holiday brochure?...

Fuck off, Benny!

As both my regular readers will know, I sometimes like to hit a religious note on a Sunday, and what better Sunday than today when the Pope's State Visit to the UK comes to an end?

So as we wish his Holiness a fond farewell, with these heartfelt words : "Fuck off and don't come back!", I have prepared a little souvenir of his stay in the UK in the form of the following document :

From : H.M Government of the United Kingdon
To : Pope Benedict, The Vatican, Italy

INVOICE

Item	Charge
Provision of Security Services during Papal Visit	£   15,000,000.00
Shortfall in Catholic Church's contribution to events	£     3,200,000.00
Hire of Stadia and marshaling services	£     5,000,000.00
Administration and management fees	£     9,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law re right of sexual expression	£   10,000,000.00
Fine for inciting religious hatred against non Catholics	£     5,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law on sexual equality by refusing to ordain female ministers	£   10,000,000.00
Penalty for preverting the course of justice in relation to abuse of minors by Catholic priests	£   50,000,000.00
Compensation for minors abused by aforesaid priests	£   40,000,000.00
Sub-total	£ 147,200,000.00
Plus : VAT at 17.5%	£   25,760,000.00
TOTAL PAYABLE	£ 172,960,000.00

Terms : Strictly net 30 days

I think that should keep him away for another year or two...

Ambulance chasers

Question : What's the difference between a lawyer and a fish?

Answer : One is cold and slimey. The other is a fish.

For some time now I have deplored the continuing advance of the litigation culture in this country.

Nothing is ever my fault. If I fall over a paving stone, sue the council. If I drive my car into a ditch, sue the road repairers. You get the picture...

Lawyers hit an all time low in my estimation when they started chasing ambulances. Until today. Today a leaflet came through my door which is disturbing even by their standards.

Let's drum up some divorce business!

"Falling apart at the seams? Looking to end your relationship? Try our fixed fee divorce service!"

"Talk to one of our experts in confidence about our fixed fee divorce service. First appointment free."

"We will answer your queries on divorce, seperation, children, finances, cohabitee disputes, domestic violence, living together agreements, pre-nuptial agreements, changes of name and " - wait for it - "other related issues." - whatever they are...

Never mind marriage councelling. Never mind working at the relationship.

If you weren't thinking about divorce already, now's the time!

iThought for the day...

Chippendales - 30 year reunion

Bye Bye New Labour

The New Labour nightmare is over at last, so why not commemorate the occasion with a reworking of a Bob Dylan classic?

Rent-a-pal

God help us all! Rent-a-pal is coming to the UK!

This is the latest run away phenomenon in the US - where else? You sign up on the website and whenever you need a friend, you just pay to hire one.

Apparently this is a natural extension to social networking and computer dating. Apparently, we are all leading such busy lives 24/7 that we simply don't have time to go out make friends on our own any more. It fulfils the expectations of the modern generation for instant gratification.

Well - here's question for you. Are you sitting at work reading this when you should be working? If the answer is 'yes', then it's probaby because your boss is such a twat that he hasn't given you anything to do today. And that's probably because his boss is also a twat and hasn't given him any work either.

So now that we have established that your 24/7 busy, busy lifestyle is all bullshit, why not pick up the landline and ask a mate or two if they fancy popping down the pub or coming round for a meal later?

After all, real friends are free and it makes a lot more sense than paying to hire one...

Sod it! I'm off to Greece (again)

Yes, it's that time of year again. The kid's are going back to school so I can safely bugger off to Greece and take in some more sun and Metaxa.

Blogging will therefore be intermittent for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the break. I will!

Papal Quiz - The answers!

For those of you enthralled by the challenge I set you with my recent 'fake or real' Papal visit souvenirs, here are the answers :

• Money Box :  Real - available by mail order in the States!
• Benedict-a-phone - I loved this one. Shame it's a fake.
• USB Stick : Real. Honest.
• Chef's Apron : Almost real - I changed the picture, but you can buy a Pope apron with the official visit logo on it.
• Pope's Wine : Real - apart from the miracle bit of course. It's a genuine Californian winery.
• Pope on a Rope : Real.
• Papal Visits for Dummies : Fake - although there is a Roman Catholicism for Dummies so I only had to photoshop a bit of the title.
• Talking Key Ring : Almost real. It doesn't talk but you really can get 'the power of the Pope in your pocket.'
• Naked Pope Pen : OK - it's a complete fake!
• 3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker : Realish - the Pope Benedict cocktail shaker is real but I made the rest up!
• I Love the Pope Knickers : 100% genuine.
• Benedict Condoms : Also 100% genuine. On the other side of the packet to "I said NO!" is printed "But we say YES"
• Pope's Special Ale : Real - but I doctored the picture on  the beermat
• Pope Candles : 100% genuine
• Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser : What do you think? Of course it's a fake - but wouldn't it be great if it was real?

And the one that got away is pictured above. It's a board game called "Conclave - How men become Pope" and it's available via mail order from the official Vatican gift shop.

The prices are of course complete bollocks, but I'm sure the Vatican would charge this much for similar tacky tourist trash if they thought they could get away with it. Just look at the prices of their tour T-shirts!
 
So how many did you get right?...

Apeshit!

I'm off on holiday shortly (Yes! Again...), and have just recieved my tickets - along with a letter telling me about the latest invasion of our privacy and civil liberties.

APIS or Advaced Passenger Information System is yet another legacy from the bullshit Brown governmant foisted upon us because, of course, the Yanks have it so it must be essential for us!!

"Your airline is legally obliged to collect passenger information from all customers (including infants) who are travelling to, and in some cases from, those countries involved in your itinerary that require information, for electronic transmission to the relevant country's Customs and Immigration authorities prior to departure."

So I get a snotty letter from the tour operator telling me to go to a website and fill all this shit in. Apparently, this information will be "kept for no more than 10 years by the British Government." So now they are keeping a check on my movements in and out of the UK. I am, I might add, travelling to an EU country which, in theory, means that I don't need to use my passport (ha! ha!) so this new database gets around that one.

And if that's not bad enough, I am visitting the US for a couple of hours later in the year, so of course now I need to fill in their version - ESTA (Electronic System for Travel Authorization). Even though I am eligible for visa waiver, I have to pay $15 to register that I am coming! I woudn't mind, but I am only changing terminals and flying straight out again.

Still, all this bullshit keeps the bureaucrats in a job and keeps track of all the plebs. Orwell would have loved it.

I'm getting a T-shirt printed : "I'm going APeshIt with ESTA" and on the back "Am I API? No - I ain't" which should impress immigration no end...

Building for floods in India

In the light of the floods in Pakistan, I am reminded of a trip I took a couple of years ago along the Brahmaputra river in Assam, India.

We visitted an unnamed island in the middle of the river and went for a wander across the crop fields and through the village. Like the Indus in Pakistan, the Brahmaputra floods every year. Every year, this island disappears under the flood waters, washing away everything in its path.

A couple of us were talking to one of the villagers, who was leaning against one of the stilts that his house - and all the others in the village - are built on as you can see above. He explained to us that every year they gather the crops, take in the animals and sit out the floods. I asked him why he didn't just move. He said that the silt depositted made the ground very fertile and the crops were good. And the flood water? "It happens every year so we are ready for it."

My somewhat dim-but-nice friend asked him how high the water comes up? He replied by placing his hand on one of the stilts about a foot below the floor level of his house. "About here", he replied.

The Chinese have the same problem with the Yangtze which is one of the reasons they built that enormous dam to help regulate it. They have problems at the moment too, but they are doing something about it not just holding out their begging bowl.

The Indus is not dissimilar to the Brahmaputra. It does this every year. Admittedly this year it has been extreme, but perhaps the Pakistanis could be a little more like the Assamese and be just a bit more prepared for it?

And perhaps their government could help by releasing just a small chunk of that $2 billion they are spending on developing nuclear power...