Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...


Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99




(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick. 

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)

Blair - The ultimate hypocrisy

I shamelessly nicked this diagram from a 2009 article in the guardian which you can read by clicking this link

In the ultimate irony, as the fat hypocrit, Lord Prescott, warns that the Labour Party is going bust, the same cannot be said of it's ex leader Blair. Believe it or not, the bugger is actually opening his own BANK.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) has last week registered Blair's new Mayfair-based investment bank, Firerush, which could act as dealmaker in investments for the super-rich. It will contribute to his considerable fortune, which is already reported to be in excess of £20 million. Coincidentally, that's the same amount Prescott says that Labour owes. Spooky, or what?

20 bloody million... and after all the scheming hypocritical sod said about bankers and rich people avoiding tax through complex tax avoidance schemes. Pass the bloody bottle... and a large glass!

Now I'm not for a minute suggesting that Blair is doing anything illegal, but my God his moral compass is pointing in a very odd direction indeed.

Still, now he's a Catholic, I expect he'll be meeting the Pope next month - and he'll give him absolution...

The Living Wage

In a pathetic and feeble attempt to make headway in the Labour leadership race, nothing can be more calous, calculated and desperate than the recent attempt to jump on the bandwagon by Labour's own talking horse "Mr Ed" Miliband.

Blatently trying to drum up anti-Tory left-wing  votes, Mr Ed has decided to send out a letter pledging his support for the 'Living Wage' campaign.

So, when you are living on the breadline, here's just a few suggestions as to how you can make your wage packet into something that enables you to make ends meet :

• Don't go down the pub every night
• Give up smoking
• Make eating in the new eating out and learn to cook!
• Dump your mobile phone contract and get a PAYG phone for incoming calls
• Cancel your Sky telly subscription
• Stop buying iTunes for your iPod
• Buy non-designer label trainers
• Cut up all your credit cards
• Cancel that foreign holiday
• You don't have to have the latest gadget
• Don't run a car
• Get some skills training and a better job

Drinking, smoking, telly, mobiles, iPods, designer trainers, holidays in the sun and motors are NOT - despite what Mr Ed would have you believe - part of your inalienable human rights. What should come top of your priority list is putting food on the table, clothes on your back and keeping a roof over your head.

And if you carry on as you are doing, then some nice eastern european person will come and take your job off you because they seem to manage quite nicely on less than you get paid. Sadly, people in this country have no idea what real poverty actually is.

You already have a 'living wage' but many of you are just too self centred and greedy to manage it properly...

Piss boiler of the week

I am forced to borrow a phrase from my good friend the Grumpy Old Twat because this one nearly made me burst a blood vessel...

Basildon council has been given leave by the Courts to evict 'travellers' from an illegal site - in fact , the largest illegal traveller site in Europe - because of flagrant contravention of planning laws.

Actually, let's rephrase that. They didn't contravene planning laws, they just pretended they didn't exist and carried on anyway. Sort of stuck two fingers up to the law, really.

Now these delightful people who consider themselves above the law are to be evicted. So what do they do? Believe it or not, the cheeky fuckers write to the United Nations who, even more unbelievably, take them seriously and write to the British government accusing them of 'ethnic cleansing'!

Let's also point out at this stage that Basildon Council has offered them council housing - bet the ratepayers really love that one! However, this infringes their inalienable human rights because it does not offer them a  'culturally acceptable' alternative. Because they live in caravans not houses!

Just yesterday, they had a representative from the Equalities and Human Rights Commission come down to advise them of their 'rights'. Needless to say, she a was a foreigner.

And, apparently, they have also asked the Pope to intervene as they are all staunch catholics and are being discriminated against on religious grounds!

Christ all bloody mighty! Find me a darkened room!

You broke the planning laws. You are supposed to be travellers, so why don't you fuck off and go travelling? Preferably in another country as you feel this one treats you so badly...

The boomerang generation

Won't it be just great to have the kids back home again?

OK. You don't really need to answer that. After all, one of them might be listening in! And you wouldn't want them to feel unwanted now, would you? Never mind how you feel...

Pretty soon, lots of unemployed graduates will be leaving university and moving back into their old rooms. Back to the bosom of the family where they are loved and wanted. Well, loved anyway because what they have forgotten is that while they were away bettering themselves with higher education, Mum and Dad were enjoying some much earned freedom for the first time in years.

And now that's all gone. The parents can no longer run around the house in their underwear in case someone appears from their offsprings bedroom and demands breakfast...

But what really pisses me off is the attitudes of this boomerang generation. Attitudes like 'I don't need to clean my room because Mum will do it.' Like 'Mum will do my washing and ironing, Dad will pay the phone bill, my parents will put food on my plate' Attitudes like 'This is my home and I have a god given right to live here.'

Lots of the younger generation that I know seem to think that it is an unalienable human right that they can afford a house in their home town. We never had that expectation. We saved for years with our prospective spouses to scrimp together a deposit so we could get a mortgage on a crummy little one bed flat and even then we had to move further from town to be able to afford it. I was raised in south London, but I moved out to afford my first home. My wife was raised in Surrey, but her first home was in Reading.

A reality check is needed. You need to stand on your own two feet and assert your independence. You need a job you can do - you can get the one you want later, if ever. You can't afford a house on one income. It's not fair to live off your parents and contribute little or nothing.

Our generation lived with these realities. You selfish little buggers need to do the same...

Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!

Just when you thought is was all over for another four years and you were coming to terms with yet another boring football season being foisted upon us, news this week that the FIFA inspectors have arrived to inspect England's facilities in connection with their 2018 World Cup bid.

Frankly, I can't believe that having successfully bid for an Olympics that we have no money to pay for, that discreditted load of shitbags known as the Brown government has dropped us in it for another load of pretentious, unaffordable flag waving.

It's time this country came to terms with the fact that we don't actually have any money - something the coalition keeps ramming home. So where exactly is the money going to come from to pay for this load of gobshite!?

And if you want any more evidence that this was thought up by a load of fucking idiots, take a look at the picture above - 3 cunts for the price of one!

Religious sensitivity

There has been a big who-ha in the States over the plans to build the Mohammed Attah Memorial Mosque on the site of the World Trade Centre in New York.

Apparently O'Bummer supports the plans, which only goes to show just how in touch he is with the people of America.

However, our reporter has learnt of similar schemes for Mosques in this country.

Plans are afoot for the building of the Hasib Hussain Islamic Cultural Centre in Tavistock Square, London. Mayor, Boris Johnson, said "The building of this cultural centre will help to heal the wounds between the Christian and Islamic communities following the events of 7th July."

Also in the pipeline north of the border is the building of the Al Megrahi Mosque in Lockerbie to be funded by donations from the Libyan government. The Libyan ambassador commented "We hope this will demonstrate to the Scottish people that we respect them deeply and are very grateful to them for the way they treated Mr Megrahi after he was found irrefutably but falsely guilty of the bombing of PanAm flight 103."

This spirit of co-operation and understanding between the two religions comes as construction starts on the new Catholic Cathedral of the Holy Crusades in Mecca.

Anyone for a Chinese?

We popped out for a Chinese last night. Do you like them as much as I do?

I wonder...

Reasons I'm Not Cheerful - part 3

Ian Dury might have been cheerful, but I bloody well ain't, so as my last offering with the Blockheads seemed to be fairly well recieved, here's a short reworking of another Ian Dury classic.

And a mighty fine backing group they make, too...

The scandal of University places

Remember the mantra? "Education. education, education"

I recently exposed the scandal of the Labour's cynical exploitation of graduates in order to keep the unemployment figures looking good. Well here's an even bigger scandal - and the reason that all you poor sods out there can't get a University place.

Guess who is to blame? Yep - good old Gordon Brown again.

In 2009, the Labour Government placed a cap on additional numbers of students for the next academic year to avoid hiking up the costs to the Treasury of paying upfront fees, grants and loans.

If Universities exceed the numbers laid down by the previous administration, then they face fines of £3,700 per head.

The simple answer to this (if you are listening Mr. Cameron) is to immediately rescind this cap. If you are serious about local people deciding local issues, then you should allow the Universities to decide how many places they have and to act accordingly. This really does put your claim of devolving government decisions to the front line firmly under test.

But please remember, all you frustrated University hopefuls out there, that when you listen to the Miliband clones banging on about how this coalition government has let you down that it was LABOUR who put this cap in place.

I notice Ed Balls is keeping a low profile...

The death of the speed camera

Speed cameras are dying all over the country!

Love 'em or hate 'em? There are camps who claim they are an indisputable aid to road safety; there are camps who claim they are nothing more than revenue raisers. But now they are going. Why?

Well, you can thank Gordon Brown. He saw an opportunity to put the costs of running the system on the local authorities whilst at the same time ensuring that the fines collected went straight to the exchequer. It's the same trick he worked with parking fines.

So now that budgets are being squeezed by the new government, local authorities can no longer afford to maintain the cameras. This is scandalous as nobody wins except speeding motorists.

It is not reasonable to expect council tax payers to subsidise revenue raising 'safety' machinery where there is no benefit to them. Equally, central government will not get any revenue, and so will have a hole in its finances.

It seems the great revenue raiser has become a revenue loser. R.I.P.

Bring back the Traffic Wardens

I don't know about where you live, but the parking situation in my town is beyond a joke!

We have two types of traffic enforcement here. Firstly, we have the Parking Attendants who are employed by the Borough Council. They look after the Council operated car parks and the street area designated for residents' parking only.

Secondly, we have the Police. They are responsible for parking on the public highway in restricted waiting areas, on yellow lines and the like.

So what's the problem? Well, the Parking Attendants walk between their designated areas totally unconcerned by all the cars they walk past on the way that are illegally parked. Not their responsibility. Nothing to do with them...

Meanwhile, the police are busy out doing Policey type things - you know, like patrolling their beats or doing community stuff or even, God forbid, catching crooks. So they don't have time to spend issuing parking tickets. Indeed, in my view, nor should they have!

So the result is that people here don't waste money on things like car parks when they know they can park anywhere on a yellow line and have a 99% chance of getting away with it. And if they do get the odd ticket, then it's still cheaper than paying for all those days using the car park.

I know one guy who parked in a one hour restricted parking bay for three months, often without moving his car for a long as three days at a time. Honest. Eventually a Police purge on that area resulted in a ticket. But parking a car for three months for the price of a single ticket still looks to be a good deal...

All this mind numbing nonsense has come about in order to promote yet another of New LieBore's stealth taxes. By criminalising on street parking, they made it the responsibility of the police rather than the council - and by doing this the money raised in parking fines goes to the Exchequer rather than the Council. Nice one Gordon! Drop Joe Public in the crap - it's alright as long as you get the money to squander.

To sort this out, the new Government needs to decriminalise parking, reinstigate Traffic Wardens and let the Council use the parking fines to cover the cost of the wardens. This will also release Police to do what they are supposed to be doing, penalise persistent offenders who are clogging up our towns, and make a contribution to local government funding.

So go on, Cleggeron, add this to your bonfire of LieBore laws at the earliest opportunity.

The murder of David Kelly

Nobody is ever going to convince me that UN weapons inspector  Dr. David Kelly was not murdered.

What makes me even more suspicious is that the inquest into his death was suspended and never resumed.

Lord Hutton concluded that "the principal cause of death was bleeding from incised wounds to his left wrist which Dr Kelly had inflicted on himself with the knife found beside his body".

But now some very knowledgable and eminent people are calling for the case to be reopened. Nine experts including Michael Powers, a QC and former coroner, and Julian Blon, a professor of intensive care medicine, said in a letter to the Times that the official cause of death – haemorrhage from the severed artery – was "extremely unlikely" as "insufficient blood would have been lost to threaten life."

Now prominent politicians, including former Tory leader Michael Howard and labour leadership hopeful Dianne Abbott, have called for the inquest to be resumed.

Furthermore, Hutton made a ruling to keep medical reports and photographs closed for 70 years. He said that he had made the gagging order to spare Kelly's family "unnecessary distress".

Bullshit. This is sparing no-one but the guilty. What you smell is a good old fashioned political cover up.

New Labour's house of cards has already collapsed around its ears and this whole affair reeks of the sort of manoeuvre that Francis Urquhart would have been proud of. The state cannot hold itself out to be above the law.

Something needs to be done about this right now...

Graduate recruitment

So you got your nice shiney new degree and now you have to figure out what the hell to do with it?

Well, here is some practical advise from someone who has seen his kids go through it - and believe me, it ain't easy...

From my recent post, you will have hopefully realized that you have been conned. You were persuaded to stay on at school and go through university to keep you off the dole queue and make Labour's unemployment figures look better than they actually were.

But that is not to say you didn't do the right thing, although maybe it was not the right thing for you. Graduates tend to get jobs with other people or go on to professional qualifications. Entrepreneurs are frequently those who chose a different road. Different horses, different courses.

Here's the hard bit : your degree won't get you a job. What it will do is to establish that you have certain level of education and that you can apply yourself. It will open doors otherwise closed to you. It is not proof of intelligence. You can be thick as two short planks in the practicality stakes and still be a brilliant academic. If this is you, think about going into teaching.

And here's another heart warming statistic - In the 1980's 80% of the graduate output of this country became Chartered Accountants. What a waste of talent, but it does show that getting a job after universty wasn't any easier then either - and they didn't have JobServe!

Which brings me nicely on to my next point : If you are going into the big bad comercial world, then get yourself a computer. Use it to compose a well written and well presented cv. If you are sending it out in hard copy, print it on coloured paper - it will get you noticed.

More importantly, get onto job sites and apply for everything you can do, not just what you want to do. You need a job. You can get a career later. If you are not applying for 20 jobs a day, then you are not trying hard enough.

Don't spend all day on the computer scanning job sites. Get a routine. When you have done all you can for today, put it down until tomorrow.

And check your Facebook profile and information about yourself - your prospective boss will. If you look a prat on there, you won't get the interview.

And finally, don't give up. Winners never quit and quitters never win.

Good luck. You'll need it...

Da Pope, he's a comin'

Praise be to God, da Pope is coming to pay a state visit to Britain!

Now I have nothing against God, but I do happen to think that religion is one of the greatest evils ever perpetrated on the human race. It has caused more death and suffering than anything else on the planet. If it did not exist, then we would have to find another reason to kill each other.

Having got that off my chest, da Pope is a head of state. It is a complete mystery to me why the Vatican is a seperate state, but that's up the the Italians. Nevertheless, as a head of state he is entitled to pay a state visit to other countries. No problemo. Bring it on...

But what is out of order is that one of the richest states - if not THE richest state - on the planet has the brass neck to put out the begging bowl to pay for the trip. That is, of course, on top of the millions we have to fork out to keep the old sod safe while he is here.

Now look here, Benny. You've got plenty of wedge. Don't take the piss by handing round the begging bowl. Just pop down to your museum and flog off a painting.

And don't rip off your flock by selling tacky souvenirs and T-shirts to swell your own obscene coffers.

And while we're at it, don't lecture us on the evils of materialism while you swan around in your gold threaded robes.

In other words, stop being a bloody hypocrite. When I see you dressed like Gandhi, then I'll take you seriously. Until then, sod off back to Rome...

Oh Shit! It's the football season...

Dear God, how I hate football! But here it is again, so I suppose I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Anyway, here's what it's all about :

Taking in easy, init?

Your host is once more in musical mode, celebrating the promissed Coagulation Government's crackdown on benefits.

Here's a little something for the weekend that I recorded with the Eagles. Enjoy!

New superbug set to sweep the world

News today from the Department of Health that a new superbug has been discovered.

The bug, "Americanus 4nPolyC", seen pictured on the left is easily identified under the microscope by its distinctive red, white and blue stripes. It contains the deadly enzyme US4Fr which is resistant to all attempts to control it.

A spokesman for the DoH, Dr. Quango Gravietrane, said "We have tried everything to stop the progress of this bug, but nothing we do seems to make any difference. If left unchecked, it could dominate the world!" A frightening thought indeed.

The bug is believed to have originated in the Pakistan region possibly crossing the border from neighbouring Afghanistan and brought home by American troops.

There is, however, one glimmer of hope; In Scotland, a man given only three months to live has survived for a year. US officials have called for his medical records to be examined but the Scottish administration so far has resisted this call saying "We have the situation firmly under our control."

That special relationship....

Obummer has just had a birthday and we've had a change of leader. So why not take a moment to reflect on the 'Special Relationship'?

America is pulling its troops out of Iraq, so there's a glimmer of hope that we might get out of there soon too. Unfortunately, this means that there will be troops released to go to Afghanistan - where, as we already know, it is dangerous for our troops to stand in front of theirs - or indeed to be found anywhere under the USAF.

Still, we junior partners know our place - which is why we are being directed by an American general.

Then there is the impending takeover of BP by Exxon much whispered about by the underground press. They've already got rid of Tony Hayward and replaced him with one of their own. And they have also conveniently overlooked the fact that the troubled well was drilled by a rig leased from them and operated by Americans. If Dave allows that to happen, then we might as well apply to be the next state! At least that will get us out of the EU...

And then there is the Magrahi affair. These cheeky fuckers have the nerve to summon Jack Straw, the Scottish Justice Minister and Tony Hayward to attend a Congressional Enquiry. When they all declined, the yanks decided to send one of theirs over to interview them. Thankfully, the Scots showed some admirable backbone and told them to get stuffed thus halting yet another devious manoeuvre in the BP takeover.

Well done Scotland. Your country is not an American state, although ours appears to be in danger of becoming one...

The great graduate scam

This year, there will be more graduates than ever leaving university and trying to get a foot on the job ladder.

So I think that the time has come to lift the lid on one of the most disgraceful scams of the New Labour years.

When Blair came to power he proclaimed that the three highest priorities of his new government were "Education! Education! Education!" Nothing wrong with that, I hear you say. But you are wrong.

In 1997, unemployment was falling largely because of the measures put in place by the outgoing Conservative administration. Labour was happy to let this run as it made them look good - but it knew that wouldn't last and the numbers out of work would start to rise again. So it brought in the great scam...

Labour persuaded ever increasing numbers of young people to stay on in full time education and made it easier to get to university by vastly increasing the numbers of available spaces. Now I would not want to insult students by suggesting that A level examiniations have got easier, but what cannot be disputed is the increase in pass rates. So not only do more people sit these exams, but a higher proportion pass them.

The effect of this is that ever increasing numbers of people are kept off the dole queues by spending another two years at school and three more at university, totalling 6 years if you add in the increasngly popular gap year. Unfortunately, this is a temporary respite which must eventually unwind, but it worked long enought for Blair to win two further elections.

Now it is all coming home to roost. There are far more graduates than jobs and the dole queues will swell again - but now Labour is gone and they will no doubt be quick to blame the new administration.

Cynical, hypocritical and effective. All the characteristics of a really great scam...

Eating biscuits in Biafra

I get slagged off a lot for my views that charity begins at home - like for example should we be giving free milk in schools rather than using the money to give water to Pakistanis?

Yes I know it's a disaster, just like the Ethiopian famine, the boxing day tsunami, Biafra, the Haiti earthquake and many others. Oh, I nearly forgot - there have been disastrous mudslides in China this week as well.

But what really gets up my nose - and I don't know if you have ever thought about this - is what do the news crews eat when they are filming famines? How do they get about when they are covering floods? Should that place on the helicopter have been filled with food and water rather than a camera crew?

A prime example of this was on BBC breakfast news on Sunday morning. Pictures of some poor sod and his family standing on the roof of his crumbling mud hut surrounded by flood waters. And what are the news crew using to get out there and take these pictures? Let me think - oh yes! A boat.

And did they stop and rescue aforementioned poor sod and his family? I doubt it...

Standards, dear boy. Standards!

I am heartened to find that in these days of anything goes that BBC viewers are outraged by an appalling drop in standards being displayed by their news readers.

Only yesterday morning on the Newswatch program, poor old Raymond Snoddy (wouldn't you change your name if that were you?) was inundated by emails and letters from outraged members of the viewing public complaining about the terrible drop in dress standards displayed by news presenters.

After all, do we not remember the good old days when even radio news readers were required to wear full evening dress?

And what caused this outrage. Why only this week Sian Williams was seen on the Breakfast sofa wearing white jeans! Shock! Horror...

Surely this could not get worse - but yes, it can! Their arts reporter (whose name escapes me and probably everyone else as well) was seen on two consecutive reports wearing denim jeans! But, as my wife so succinctly put it, she was more concerned that he hadn't changed his shirt.

Anyway, here's my suggestion for newsreaders' dress. Standards, dear boy. Standards...

Aren't our police just wonderful?

The police were called after a neighbour reported seeing a man climbing into an opened window at a house in Hartlepool.

But a search of the house turned up nothing unusual, and the owner climbed into his bed for the night after being assured there was no threat.

But a few minutes later, he was disturbed by a rustling noise underneath his bed. Switching on the light, he was rather surprised to find the burglar crawling out from under the bed. He pinned him down and the police returned to arrest him.

If the police can't even find a burglar hiding under the bed, perhaps this explains why it took them so long to pin down Raoul Moat?

ANT and DEC - The Charity Appeal

As the President of Pakistan is visiting Chequers today, I thought it would be a good time to roll out my good friends, ANT and DEC.

No - not that Ant and Dec! - ANT (Another Natural Tragedy) and DEC (the Disasters Emergency Committee). These two are once again asking for your money to bail out the flood victims in Pakistan.

Perhaps when Asif Ali Zardari is taking to David Cameron today and, no doubt holding out the begging bowl for Britains cash, he should be reminded that Pakistan is the same nation whose people last week were out in the streets burning our national flag and effigies of the man he is talking to. Perhaps he should also be reminded that our government has already pledged millions for their aid.

That aid is, of course, not government money. It is taxpayers' money. Donated without a mandate on our behalf. Money we don't actually have.

So whilst the appeal launched last night is tugging at your heart strings, do what I do and remind yourself of this : "I already gave"

Jack Shit Gordon (The makework song)

I little while ago, I alluded to the fact that nobody works in the civil service. I got a bit of stick, but actually I think that there is so much makework in this country that it deserves to be laid down in song.

So here's a little number I did with the Blockheads that sums it all up. Enjoy!

Cutting the Police budget

Much has been said about budget cuts and how these will translate to cuts in front line services. It's an emotive subject - especially when it comes down to policing.

Which is why I was heartened the other day to listen to an interview on the BBC with a Yorkshire Chief Constable. He seems to think that cutting the budget by 12% would make no difference at all to the copper out there on the streets.

He went on to display admirable common sense by explain that we should be looking at rationalising thinks like HR services. Each service has it's own. Perhaps we could combine some or all of them?

He further explained that it is bad practice to used trained police officers in behind the scenes jobs that can be done by civilian staff. All good stuff...

But where will we get the rest of the savings from? Well, let's not forget the bonfire of stupid New Labour laws that the police and courts currenty have to deal with. By the time we have got rid of those, the load should be lightened a fair bit.

And then there's the paperwork. Simplifying that should even things out a bit too. Is 25% still looking unreasonable when you think about it?

No-one wants to see less coppers on the street - but I bet we'd all like to see less of them off the streets filling in forms?

Christian fundamentalism

My blogging friend Old Nick has been running a two for one offer this week on dragging Christian Fundamentalists down to the pit for a good burn.

So in the spirit of 'bloggers together', I am prompted to ask "What is a Christian Fundamentalist?"

Here's a guide I nicked from here that might help. See how many you can answer :

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and dehumanized when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the atrocities attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in Exodus and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in Joshua including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most tolerant and loving.

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in tongues may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity

2 - You define 0.01% as a high success rate when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian

The first person that came to mind was George W. Bush, but if you can think of any others why not suggest them to Old Nick?

Dear Liam Fox....

As you seem to in a bit of quandry over Trident, may I suggest the following :

Well, you did say the cuts were going to be painful...and that's gotta hurt!

Anyone for a blow job?

There are thousands of disappointed football fans in the Netherlands.

"But of course there are!" I hear you say. "They lost the World Cup Final."

Ah - but that's not all. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden offered to give all her Twitter followers oral sex if they won. But they didn't...

Prior to the match, Eden wrote: "If Netherlands wins the worldcup I will give a BJ to all my followers." After some quizzed her about the offer, she confirmed "I will give them a free Blow Job :)... It is real! BJ for all followers."

"Details on how to collect your Blow Job will be given on Monday after the worldcup final! Go team BJ... My body is throbbing with all the excitement!"

After making the offer, Eden could claim over 64,688 Twitter followers, up from 4,804 the day before.

That's a lot of disappointed Dutchmen...