Living in a crowded house

Obviously having bugger all better to with their time, insurers LV have commissioned a report into property ownership in Britain which has concluded - quel surprise - that very few people can afford to own or rent a property the size they want in the area they desire to live in.

FFS! What's new?!?

In the good old days before total grasp of reality was lost in this country, we all knew this without having to commission a report to tell us. And guess what? Nothing has really changed in the meantime apart from peoples' expectations.

Pre the credit crunch, people got engaged and saved up together with building society to get together a deposit. They then got a mortgage, bought a flat as a couple most likely situated in a cheaper area than their parents. Then they worked their way up the property ladder as their prospects improved and their jobs progressed. This was not something you did on your own with a single income.

That was then. Now we expect to be able to start out on our own in a four bedroom house living in the same street as our parents. After all, this is part of our inalienable human rights. Well that's all bollocks, because real life just isn't like that...

Apparently LV also says that many space starved parents are squashed into 2 bedroom houses which were perfect when they were a couple but now have no space for their three or so children. Well, not only is it socially irresponsible to breed large families in the modern era, but it's also economically irresponsible to breed children you can't afford to support as well.

My grandfather was the second youngest of nine children, but in those day large families were the norm due to poor contraception and high infant mortality. Eleven of them lived in a two bedroom terraced house with no bathroom and a shared outside toilet. Now that's hardship - and they were lucky.

Apparently the 'correct size home' is one where the parents have their own bedroom and only children under 10 have to share. I also read recently that a government minister went on record as saying that homelessness was now defined as children having to share a bedroom. What utter tosh!

The pipe dream is that the house I would like to live in has 5 bedrooms en suite, an indoor pool, a gym, snooker room, bar, indoor bowling alley, 5 acres of grounds, garages for at least three cars and a view over the Thames in Central London.

The difference is that I don't confuse the pipe dream with reality...

The boat that sucks...

There's nothing quite like a bit of good old fashioned pretentious bullshit to get my piss boiling, if you'll forgive the mixed metaphors...

I have long been a fan of 'Pseuds Corner' in the Private Eye - although I don't read it these days since they nicked stuff my blog and refused to give me a by line - but this piece by Elisa Bray caught my eye (no pun intended).

The picture above shows a "one bedroom architectural installation in the shape of a small boat" perched on the roof of the Queen Elizabeth Hall on London's south bank. Apparently, the idea is to use the venue to host a series of "bedroom gigs" because this, it seems, "creates a different way of experiencing the music, adding ambiance and heightening the sense of occasion and often the acoustics - and ethereal quality lent to the performance by the creaking of old timber, shunted by the waves". FFS!

From the boat, performers are to use the "intimate surroundings of the boat" to "perform a different kind of show". Well certainly different, because "nobody will be actually attending the gigs - fans will have to watch the shows broadcast onto screens at the South Bank Centre or on-line". Apparently, the organisers are "looking for people who could be inspired by the space to shape what they did there". There is also "the opportunity to see artists perform in an intimate setting" and "the potential to shed new light on their music and to inspire new music".

One such artist, Imogen Heap, has apparently "an innovative approach to songwriting which is seeing her release each song from her upcoming album as she writes it".

Well, I'm a bit of a musical Philistine, so I asked my musical mate ChasC what he made of it all. He said "It's not that innovative an approach - I've been releasing my albums one track at a time as I wrote them for years. Just take a look at my blog."

And the boat on the roof? "Pretentious crap" he replied. "Seems to me it's just a way of getting an audience to pay more to watch someone playing live on TV. Perhaps I should put a camera in me shed and charge people to watch me tuning up?"

Nice idea, mate. Could be a money spinner...

Let us pray...

Sometimes, I just know that if there is a God up there looking down on us then he's just pissing himself laughing...

Last week's antics in the High Court about the opening prayers at Biddeford Council meetings really does take the biscuit. The action was brought by the Secular Society who objected to prayers being the opening item on the agenda because they "infringed the human rights of non-Christians" by forcing them to take place in what they rather disrespectfully described as "juju" - an unfortunate turn of phrase in the light of recent furore about racist remarks, I thought.

Amazingly, the judge, Mr Justice Ouseley, agreed and upheld the complaint so if the council carries on as it has since time immemorial it could now be held in contempt of court although, frankly, decisions like this are contemptuous.

Fast forward now to the BBC Breakfast program last Sunday mornng. The Beeb managed to get two hypocritical dogmatic bastards together to debate the issue, and an unsightly spectacle it was, too! On the one side, the representative of the Secular Society saying that his view was the only correct one and that this 'religious nonsense' shouldn't be forced on non-believers; on the other side a religious zealot saying that his view was the only correct one and that people shoud be forced to acknowledge Christ as the one true saviour.

Amazingly, neither side could grasp that by insisting the other be forced to accept their view they were being mutually hypocritical by effectively saying the same thing...

As you will know by now, I am not a believer. I do however defend to the death your right to believe whatever you like for your own personal consumption. I don't really care whether prayers are said at the start of meetings or not. If you don't want to join in, then just sit quietly whilst the others do their thing.

It's a great British tradition. It's called tolerance...

...which is why this action should never have been bought and why the judge was totally wrong not to dismiss it out of hand.

Sunday Sun - 1st issue preview!

Boo Hoo - Some Arsen-holes lost a football match!

Apparently, some Norf Lunnun blokes in a football team got beat by a load of wops.

Apparently, it was some sort of two game European competition thing and in the first leg, a team in Milan thrashed the useless buggers 4-0 as a result of which their manager, Arsehole Bender, has said that he thinks his team might get knocked out after losing the away match.

Judging by the knee jerk reactions from his contemporaries, he needs to be fired now 'cos this lot clearly need a new manager.

Apparently, one of their Belgian Lunnunners reckons that there's nuffin' to worry about and they can put it all right in the second leg. "It was a really bad result", he said. Bright buggers these Belgians! He went on to say "We need to give 100% in the second leg." No shit, Sherlock! Does that mean that for the paltry millions it cost to sign you, you don't normally give 100%? Anyway, it's a game of two 'arfs, innit?

Their Polish Lunnun goalkeeper reckons "We didn't have the best of games." Well, 4-0 would seem to confirm that. Arsehole reckons they were "caught by the balls over the top" which about says it all.

Perhaps Arsehole should consider getting a few British Lunnunners in his Norf Lunnun team 'cos his load of foreigners don't seem to be up to beating the other lots' foreigners.

So there you have it. The cuntsidered views of the players, the manager and pundits. Here's my considered view...

It's only a game and it doesn't matter - so who gives a fuck? Not me!