Monday, 22 December 2014

More pretentious shite...

I love Nespresso. Their coffee is really quite good....but I really do wish they'd take their Nespresso Club Magazine and shove it up their arse!

Here's a sample of the latest pretentious load of old bollocks about their limited edition 'Grand Cru' Maragogype or whatever they call it (you sure as fuck can't pronounce it!)...

"Streamlined and subtle,marked by the giant beans that are the hall mark of this legendary coffee, the Marogogype Special Reserve (Special Reserve FFS! Get a life!) capsule reflects the elegance of the Grand Cru it harbours within. But it is the crystal that will release its infinite richness: a glass that is now the emancipation of the quintessence of this Special Reserve making the coffee moment an inimitable experience or aromatic intensity. Riedel - the world renown glass master - has designed two models specifically for the coffee experience: the first, made especially for intense espressos, concentrates the powerful roasting notes; the second reveals the subtlety of the fruity cereal notes. It is the latter model, bringing out the twofold character of the freshness-acidity, that is the best suited for the Maragogype Special Reserve."

FFS! Not only two full colons on the same paragraph, but a semi-colon and an colon in the same sentence. Truly a magnificent piece of constructive syntax that epitomises the very essence of Nespresso. Namely, total fucking bullshit!

And the difference between these two amazingly expensive pieces of coffee glass produced by this expert glass blower? One has a diameter at the rim of 5mm more than the other. So clearly I need to buy both because the diameter apparently effects the angle at which the head is tilted to enjoy each very special Grand Cru. Well, tickle my tits 'til Tuesday!

It's fucking coffee, you cunts! Get a life!

Which reminds me - I'm running short and need to place an order...

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Streetlife, the local social network

As anyone who read my recent nomination on " a cunt" will have realised, I'm somewhat pissed off with Streetlife.

Earlier, I received a piece of junk mail addressed to "The lovely person who lives at..." I am driven to wonder at the standard of person who came out with that patronising piece of drivel. Anyone who knows me will testify that there is no such person at this address. But I digress..

According to the blurb, Streetlife is "a free and simple website that connects you with people in your local area so together you can make the most of where you live." It's supposed to help you build a sense of local community and air topics of interest to your neighbours. A problem shared is, after all, a problem halved.

Or is it?

Well, I've been on Streetlife for a year or so now. It's full of vaguely interesting and often infuriating pieces of drivel. In our town, the main beef seems to be about the outrageously expensive parking fees. Actually, they're amazingly cheap in my opinion. Unfortunately, this where the snag comes in - because you're not actually allowed to disagree on Streetlife. Perhaps they feel it would ruin the sense of togetherness and cohesion they seem so keen to promote.

I've had so many of my comments - and even whole topics - thrown off Streetlife because it's ridiculously easy to do. If someone dislikes anything you say, they just click on the 'report' button, fill in a form and "Whoosh!" the 'offending' item instantly vanishes.

Then you get some sanctimonious automated fucking email telling you that you have violated their standards by offending someone who offended you in the first place. It's the ultimate in automated, instant, user driven censorship.

I believe in free speech and community spirit. It's shame that this bunch of hypocrites doesn't practice what it preaches and do the same. It's a good idea but it's appallingly executed.

I've closed my account and I'd advise you all to avoid them like the plague...

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Christmas crap...

An essential product for wrapping up those Christmas presents for folk you don't really like...

... namely all of them. 

Friday, 19 December 2014

Government job creation

When I heard about Equalities Minister, Job Swinson, writing to retailers and manufacturers of toys urging them to avoid branding toys as 'for girls' or 'for boys' I thought to myself "What the fuck are they pissing my money up the wall on now !?!?"

But then I realized what it was all about : Jo Swinson is a Lib Dem. The coalition agreement says we have to have a certain number of them in the government regardless of their capabilities and whether or not they fulfil any useful purpose. After all, there not a lot of them to spread around and, thankfully, after next May there will be even less - if any.

What exactly do we need an Equalities Minister for? It's a good question. We have laws on sexual discrimination, racial discrimination, discrimination against disabled people, discrimination against gays and lesbians, and just about everything else as far as I can see. It's all done ad nauseum, so what is Ms Swinson actually for?

The answer is, of course is that she's filling a chair somewhere nice and quiet and out of the way where she can't do too much damage.

I have no problem with equality. I have a huge problem with positive discrimination because there's no such thing. Positive to one party has, by definition to be negative to the other. Equality is good but at the same time probably a state of nirvana that cannot be achieved. But I digress.

And as far as kiddies toys are concerned, well kids will be kids. I have two grandchildren, one of each. They play with each others toys all the time. This is a healthy thing. And as far as gender branding toys is concerned, if a girl wants a dolly it's because Mummy looks after baby and she associates with mummy. If a boy wants a gun, it's because he sees men playing soldiers and waving guns about. Girls tend to be nurturing and boys tend to be aggressive. It's a hormonal thing, isn't it?

Let's face it, some professions are male dominated and some are female dominated. It's just the way things are. Over time, I believe that career choices will become less gender oriented - but it will be through education and not through some Limp Dump job creation scheme paid for by our taxes.

Roll on next May...

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Food warning!

News this week of the latest lunacy from the Fourth Reich. A new directive requires purveyors of comestibles to label their products if they contain any of the following dangerous allergens :
  • Cereals containing gluten such as wheat, rye, barley, oats, spelt or khorasan
  • Crustaceans for example prawns, crabs, lobster, crayfish
  • Eggs
  • Fish
  • Peanuts
  • Soybeans
  • Milk
  • Nuts such as almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, cashews, pecan nuts, Brazil nuts, pistachio nuts, macadamia (or Queensland) nuts
  • Celery (including celeriac)
  • Mustard
  • Sesame seeds
  • Sulphur dioxide (>10mg/kg or 10mg/L)
  • Lupin
  • Mollusc for example clams, mussels, whelks, oysters, snails and squid
Apparently this will apply to food manufacturers, restaurants and takeaways so loads of work for anyone involved in the feeding good old Joe Public. Now I don't now if it's just me, but this seems to cover just about everything I'm likely to eat. In fact I can't think of a single solitary thing I eat that doesn't contain any of this stuff.

So I've come up with the alternative labelling system above. Job done. Simples...